It’s time for someone to pop the truly important question

So many critical sports issues to write about. If Jason Schmidt can get the Dodgers out on 11 pitches, how do you like their chances without Manny Ramirez? If a pouting Gary Matthews Jr. couldn’t get over the Angels’ signing of Torii Hunter a year ago, why should anyone think he’s going to be a happy camper now working as the team’s No. 5 outfielder?

If Tiger Woods played blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back, would the No. 64 player in the world have any chance of beating him? How does Tim Leiweke maintain Beckham is going nowhere and in the same sentence discuss negotiations freeing him to go to Italy?

Why does it always seem like something fishy is going on with the USC basketball program? Why does USC even bother to play basketball? Or UCLA for that matter?

If the Lakers win the NBA Finals this year, will Dwyre spend the day writing a horse racing column?

If Baron Davis scores 25 points, has 10 assists and nine rebounds after being called a dog in the newspaper, how long before Mike Dunleavy starts referring to Chris Kaman as Rover?

And there’s Pete Carroll, the highest-paid private university employee in the nation at $4.4 million, trying to persuade Mark Sanchez to stay in school, although it will take Carroll 7 1/2 years to earn what Sanchez will get in guaranteed money later this year.

Haven’t even mentioned the Kings or Ducks, and I don’t see that changing.

Now tell me, is any of this as important as the stranger out there who will be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner as our newest son-in-law?

Look at your own family, and what’s more important, another ring for Phil Jackson or another grandchild?

I gave the daughter 32 years to locate a man on her own, but given her failure, I opened a contest a few weeks back. I know how many single guys are out there, and here I’ve got a woman who can cook, sew, clean and so what if I exaggerate?

I asked those eligible to submit their credentials with the understanding they’d be willing to take the daughter out on a date, and then again to a Lakers game before getting married. I don’t think two dates is asking too much.

I’m happy to say a lot of guys want to get married, or go to a Lakers game, including an actor who appeared regularly on “The Office.” One actor in a family, though, is enough.

I gave the entries to the daughter who can’t get a date, and the accountant that she is, she returned them on a spread sheet along with some spaghetti sauce. The girl loves to eat.

I’ve selected three winners because I can’t decide which one I really want as a son-in-law.

I begin with Mike Peterson, 31, employed and who sent along a picture of himself on a date with a woman who looks 60 years older than Mike. The daughter might even be considered an update here.

Mike reports his current bowling average is 218, which tells me he owns a bowling shirt. The places where we go as a family, he will fit right in.

Mike also reports he completed the 2008 L.A. Marathon, but was beaten by Elvis and a runner with only one leg. Right now Plaschke is looking for that runner.

The next winner is Neb, which admittedly is a little closer to Nebraska than I would like, but remember, the daughter can’t get a date. And we can’t eliminate anyone -- let alone all the hicks out there.

Neb’s good friend, Debbie Smith, e-mailed to say, “Have I got the guy for you, or her, or both of you.”

Too bad we can’t get a videographer over to Debbie’s when she breaks the news to Neb that he will soon be getting married. He doesn’t even know yet he will be going out on a date.

“I sooo want him to find someone as wonderful as he is to share his life,” wrote Deb, and anyone who spells sooo in such a manner might very well be from Nebraska.

Neb is 31, tall -- a daughter requirement, and he’s a doctor, a father-in-law requirement and a major league upgrade over a Bagger. He cooks, plays the piano and I love him.

The daughter will also go out with David Bodnariuk because he found a picture of her online and still entered the contest.

“I don’t know if she needs your help,” he wrote, missing the point entirely. I’m the one who wants a son-in-law and more grandchildren, and she’s running out of time.

“I’m 5-9 and 150 pounds,” he wrote, and while that’s a little puny, “I’m an attorney,” he continued, and so he’s probably going to have trouble getting married too.

I also really liked another guy, who was an engineer and who wrote, “I think ‘Sparky the Engineer’ might look good in bold.”

But he had the exact same name -- same spelling as the Bagger, and although they aren’t related, isn’t everyone related in West Virginia but they just don’t know it? One Bagger is too many to take such a chance.

So now it’s time for Pimp Daddy to arrange the dates with the three winners, remind the daughter which fork to use and arrange hotel reservations in Las Vegas so it will make it easier for the happy/sappy couple to elope.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Burt Bacharach:

“Congratulations to you on your audacious slam on two reviewers at your own paper. I personally thought it was the best academy awards I ever saw.”

What the world needs now is love.

--

t.j.simers@latimes.com