If I ran the Oscars: Comedian Doug Benson

In this interview series, we ask some famous free-thinkers to recast the Oscars in their own image. Accepting the award is comedian and host of the “I Love Movies” podcast (available on iTunes) Doug Benson (twitter.com/DougBenson).

Doug, which films or performers will win in this year’s Oscar race?

There might be a surprise or two, but it seems pretty obvious that Oscars will end up in the hands of Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock, Mo’Nique, Chris Waltz and Jimmy Cameron. Yeah, Chris and Jimmy. I don’t know them.

OK, but if you were in charge of academy voting, which films or performers would get the Oscar this year?

I would give awards to “The Hurt Locker” for best movie, “Inglourious Basterds” for second-best movie and “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” for longest title.

Are there films and performers from the past who should’ve won – and shouldn’t have won?

Paul Newman shouldn’t have won for “The Color of Money.” He should’ve won for popcorn. Marissa Tomei deserved the award she got for “My Cousin Vinny.” The other actresses she was up against weren’t even American. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Which categories would you add? Which need deleting?

There are too many categories. Not even short people care who wins best short. But I wouldn’t add anything, because you know what they say, “If it’s broke, don’t make it more broke.”

What part of the telecast would you remove? And what would you replace it with?

Long montages like “scenes in kitchens” or “movies that are old” should go. And no musical numbers. For nominated songs, just play a few minutes of the scene from the movie. Even if the song played over the end credits.

Which part of the Oscars would you never change?

The “In Memoriam” montage. Bulk mourning is fun.

Who would be your dream host or presenters? Musical performers?

My dream host would be me. And my dream musical performer would also be me. I’m dreaming about getting on the Oscars any way I can!

Who would receive your honorary Oscars for lifetime achievement?

Gene Hackman. Why isn’t he making movies anymore? Does Lowe’s have him locked in a voice-over booth?

Do you have a favorite (good or bad) Oscar moment from the past?

Remember when that guy [Roberto Benigni] from the Holocaust comedy [“Life Is Beautiful”] climbed over people in the audience? That was good and bad.

And lastly, let’s give you an Oscar for all your hard work this year, so give us your best acceptance speech.

I’d like to thank God for making the other four people in my category lose. And my parents.