‘The pandemic has forced an end to the affair’: Coronavirus secrets
Readers’ tales of bad behavior have continued to roll in since we put out the call for anonymous pandemic-related confessions of shame-inducing, rule-flouting conduct earlier this month.
In the first three installments of our coronavirus confessional, you’ve regaled us with anecdotes of binge-eating, illicit hookups and enjoying the extended time at home more than you think you should.
Below are transgressions that touch on readers’ interactions with their cohabitants, teachers behaving badly and finding pleasure (and self-pleasure) during the pandemic.
The quirks and irks of corona-habitation
- It’s not exactly rule-flouting, but since my husband has been home due to quarantine and taking more time in the shower than is his usual, I’ve had to start hiding the good shampoo I use to maintain my hair. That stuff costs a bundle, and he uses entire palmfuls of it.
- My partner has been social distancing with his family in his home country, and being apart from him is making me realize how many things annoy me. I have finally been able to clear my thoughts because I don’t have to prepare myself for acting interested when he talks about film podcasts and the dumb conversations they have.
- I’m the eldest child of a family of seven living together. I am fortunate that my father can support all of us. But I purposely continue to do gig work, even though I don’t need to, just to escape from my family for a bit.
Staying home is difficult for many. For some, being at home is a welcome change of pace.
- I give my 4-year-old every meal in bed while she watches cartoons just so she will leave me alone for a bit.
- I love the fact that my children and pets are forced by law to stay home and spend time with me!
- OMG, I have hosted gatherings every other weekend. My friends have been texting inviting themselves over because they don’t want to stay home! I’ve gone to lunches and dinners, managing to find a spot to sit down to eat. Oh, I have slept over at a handsome man’s house that I met before quarantine. We had sex, again, again and again! My only regret — not having had more sex.
- I’m a 50-year-old business owner and mother of two kids, both in college. I’ve worked and been a hands-on mom for the past 22 years, but with the pandemic, I’ve decided to give myself an old-fashioned, work-free summer when Monday is meaningless, and frozen pizza and ice cream are staples. I’m going to lose myself in books I’ve always wanted to read but didn’t have the time. “War and Peace” is my first pick, and I’m loving it.
- This is a real confession: I have a wife and a 6-year-old. I have also been having a long-distance extramarital affair for the past three years. The pandemic has forced an end to the affair because we can’t meet up. It’s a blessing in disguise.
- I’ve been ordering more than my fair share of sex toys. I’m the Goldilocks of dildos. This one’s too big. Those are too small. And I still haven’t found one that’s just right.
From sex-coach apps to teledildonics, options for sexual intimacy are right at your fingertips
- I’ve been hooking up with one guy since this all started and telling other men that I can’t meet up with them because I’m very concerned of the state of things.
- I attended a birthday gathering, and it got a little bit wild. There were about 15 people there, but it was so fun. I cried the next day because I felt so guilty.
- I’m 62 and having daily hot phone sex with my 57-year-old boyfriend because we live two hours apart and there is a stay-at-home order.
Tales from the teacher’s lounge
- I am a high school teacher and am on Zoom from 8 a.m. until 3 p.m. most days. After six hours online, I couldn’t take it and attended a faculty meeting while using the bathroom — video and audio muted, of course — but it was a glorious act of rebellion and in line with the prepared content of our meeting.
- I’m a teacher. I “lost” an assignment my students did poorly on and blamed it on a computer glitch so I wouldn’t have to grade them all.
- My work gave me about four dozen bottles of hand sanitizer when this all started, and I’ve been using them as tips for food delivery.
- At the beginning of the outbreak, I ordered 75 bottles of Purell, including two full-liter bottles, and I still have most of them.
Not-working from home
- I feel very guilty there has been so much hardship for so many while I wholeheartedly enjoy my social distancing. I have no pressure to see friends. I work almost exclusively from home — with cut-back hours but a full salary — and can use up time watching TV, reading, playing PS4 with the friends I do want to see and justifying ordering unhealthy foods by saying it’s helping businesses. I’m 27 and am reliving much of my life as a 16-year-old and have loved it.
- I try to do as little as possible while working from home because I’m secretly jealous that I’m not getting any stimulus money.
- I woke up at noon and ate three funfetti cupcakes slathered in canned vanilla frosting for breakfast/lunch, and will probably eat three more for dinner.
- I love being at home on unemployment and not having to see people. Perfectly content. Barely making ends meet, but I hate my job and don’t care if I never go back. The only thing I miss is sex.
- I’m a visual artist, and up until quarantine, my day job was hanging art at wealthy people’s houses. Now I am on unemployment, and I get to stay home and make my own art. I love it. I feel guilty saying that, but it’s awesome.
The grab-bag of shameful behavior
- It feels wrong to say that I hate weddings, but they are so cliched, unoriginal and overly sentimental. Now I don’t have to go to any for the rest of the year.
- I secretly love all the newfound time I suddenly have for craft projects, and I’m actually finishing a book!
- I am in an ethical dilemma. Is social distancing worth it if people lose their jobs and livelihoods? I feel like the obvious route is social distancing, but I still have doubts.
- My secret is medical marijuana. Pass the bong, please.
- I still drive 12 miles to visit my 2-year-old grandson once a week.
- I act as if I’m a strong and positive force for friends and family all day, but then cry myself to sleep every night. But I’m fine. Really. I’m fine.
- My skin has been horrible lately — an acne breakout on my face — so wearing these face coverings in public has been my saving grace.
- I had my hair and brows colored and foil in my hair for the highlights by my amazing professional hair colorist. Then I drove home to wash it all out hoping the Highway Patrol officer next to me on the freeway wouldn’t pull me over.
- Most days my wardrobe consists of Lanz of Salzburg flannel nightgowns. I usually shower no more than twice a week now, don’t wear makeup or some days don’t even comb my hair. It’s absolutely lovely!
- After a month into lockdown, I texted my aesthetician and asked if she had a key to the salon. She responded, “Yes,” and I said, “Great. Please come in. I will pay you cash. Don’t tell the owner.” And we did just that. She came in earlier to sanitize the salon. We both wore masks and left the shades down. She colored my hair and waxed my body. She was grateful for the cash, and I was grateful for the services.
Next up? A best-of compilation of our favorite coronavirus confessions.
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