It’s Pride Month, which can mean only one thing: Finger-wagging straight people everywhere are asking, “Well, why can’t we have a Straight Pride celebration?”
Turns out they can (if they get city approval)!
The heteros have finally mobilized and planned a parade of their very own. The celebration, of course, will be hosted in none other than the world’s most insecure city: Boston (see: Red Sox vs. Yankees, Celtics vs. Lakers, and that blond ponytail guy from “Good Will Hunting” who lorded it over Ben Affleck with his Harvard knowledge).
That’s right., Boston is holding a Straight Pride Parade. At least according to a Facebook post from Mark Sahady, a right-wing activist who claims to have obtained a permit from the city for a parade on Aug. 31. I think I speak for gay and LGBTQ people everywhere when I say: Hey, we get it, you’re straight and you want to take pride in what makes you different (or, in this case, normal). Go ahead and have your parade — just don’t try to shove your agenda down our throats or anything.
In what’s sure to double as an advertisement for Vineyard Vines, solid color polos and baggy cargo shorts, loud and proud heteros can be expected to dance and cheer and strut their totally expected and normal stuff down the streets of Boston. Maybe they’ll even have decorated floats! Totally the type of thing masculine, heterosexual bros love doing. And, let’s be honest here, heterosexual dude-bros are the only slice of the heterosexual pie likely to attend Straight Pride.
Starting at the Boston Public Library, the planned route will crisscross downtown, cut through the Boston Common and then end near the Old State House. Apparently having a straight-line route — no turns, bends or corners — was a little too on-brand for Straight Pride.
But, hey, because it’s Boston, Straight Pride and regular Pride will actually have something in common: We all have a crush on Tom Brady.
Brian Boyle is The Times’ editorial page intern.