Unsubscribe? The daily battle to ‘include me out’

How often does this happen: something to thank Gmail for?

Google’s free email service is making it easier to banish junk or unwanted email with a large, clear, one-click “unsubscribe” button.

If all email had had that from the get-go, I could have shaved a good 15 or 20 minutes off every work day.

I am not interested in discount coupons for a business in Tulsa, investment opportunities in a gold mining venture, online prescriptions from Canada or a self-styled church eager to tell me that President Obama is “an evil and disgusting human being.” Sending me any one of those used to cost someone at least one stamp; after the ISP is paid, 1,000 emails are, dispiritingly, free.

Laws in many countries, including this one, require spam emails to have an “opt out” option, but not all of the senders comply, and as CNET’s story points out, some are often in a “teeny tiny font” appearing faintly at the foot of the email. Sometimes they’re fake and don’t work at all. And really, I always worry whether opting out just sends a virtual alert: “Hey, you reached a real live human being on this one! Go for it!”

In this job, I am especially likely to get emails from individuals who send off their unique insights to hundreds of people they don’t know. The senders tend to be prickly. Once, after my requests to be removed from one man’s roundelay of his grievances and ruminations, he finally agreed, but only “because you are an irresponsible reporter and do not deserve to work for the L.A. Times.”

Another favorite from my “opt out greatest hits” collection:

“You have been unsubscribed from our newsletters. This is the last email you will receive from us. We have added you to our ‘blacklist,’ which means that our newsletter system will refuse to send you any other email, without manual intervention by our administrator.”

Oh, goodie.

To one “unsubscribe” request in response to a PR company’s frequent press releases about minor celebrities’ charitable doings, I received the sarcastic (and misspelled) answer, “You’re compassionate response … has been noted. You are now removed from all future emails.”

Once, my unsubscribe requests on the same day to different but equally out-there political bloviators got these offended responses: from one, that my request proved that I am part of the left-wing media ... and, from the other, that my request proved that I am part of the right-wing media.

The gold medal for whimsy goes to a performance artist emailer who answered: “Sure, no problem. If for some reason you get another email, please ignore and assume it’s a clerical mishap. Y’know, you just can’t get good help anymore.”

I’m almost thinking of re-subscribing to that one.

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Follow Patt Morrison on Twitter @pattmlatimes