What to watch on TV at the Sochi Games

The Winter Olympics are back, starring Nancy Kerrigan!

Twenty years after her knee whack turned into ratings gold, NBC is bringing Kerrigan back. It’s ostensibly to get her expertise on figure skating, but let’s be honest. People apparently want to relive her “Why me? Why? Why? Why?” moment.

At least that’s what NBC thinks. When Tonya Harding’s ex-husband masterminded the plot to eliminate the competition, it was bad for Kerrigan’s knee but great for the Olympics.

The soap opera turned the Lillehammer Olympics into the sixth-highest-rated show in history. The 48.5 average is still higher than even Sunday’s Super Bowl, which drew a 46.4 as Peyton Manning wailed “Why me? Why? Why? Why?”

TV LISTINGS: A day-by-day guide for Sochi Olympics

After 20 years of silence, Kerrigan has finally opened up in a documentary about the attack. It will be shown sometime during the 18 days, though NBC isn’t saying when. Maybe it wants to build the suspense, or plug it in if the U.S. team starts to bomb.

There are about a million more pressing stories in Sochi, and NBC vows to cover them all.

It has 1,539 hours to fill, and only so many can be devoted to a 20-year-old kneecapping. To help you navigate the programming blizzard, here’s a look at the most promising things to watch every day

Friday

Opening ceremony

(NBC, 7:30 p.m.)

It’s supposedly a nine-part exploration of Russian history, but surely it won’t be that boring. There’s always the mystery over which of the country’s aging Olympic heroes will light the caldron. NBC nominated Kerrigan based on the fact she’s read “Dr. Zhivago.” The way he runs things, Vladimir Putin might just do it himself.

And there’s always the fashion show. The U.S. team will wear Ralph Lauren. If we’re lucky, the lone competitor from Bermuda will walk in sporting the wolf coat Joe Namath wore at the Super Bowl.

Saturday

Team figure skating

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Nothing gets ratings like figure skating, so the powers-that-be have concocted a new “team” competition. They’ll tally the point totals of a male, a female, a pairs and a dance team, with the winner getting a long-term deal with Ice Capades. Note: A late proposal by Russia and France to include “team judge bribing” was narrowly defeated.

Sunday

Men’s downhill

(NBC, 7 p.m.)

Bode Miller is not back for his 17th Olympics. It only seems that way. Quick synopsis: party boy, bombed in Turin, redeemed in Vancouver, blew out knee, custody battle with ex-girlfriend, washed-up elder statesman now gathering strength for his record fifth Olympics. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear NBC’s publicity department has spent the past 15 years making the whole thing up.

Monday

Men’s 1,500 short-track speedskating

(NBC 8 p.m.)

Apolo Ohno has retired, but Viktor Ahn has not. Though he did retire Ahn Hyun-soo.

To clarify, Ohno and his eight medals are gone. The void is expected to be filled by the Russian Ahn. He was actually the South Korean Ahn until he had a falling out and became a naturalized Russian citizen. He changed his name to sound like “Victory,” and if he wins, South Korea may declare war on Russia.

If that doesn’t interest U.S. viewers, J.R. Celski might grab a medal if he changes his name to Apolo Ohno.

Tuesday

Curling

(USA Network, 2 a.m., CNBC 2 p.m.)

The Eddie the Eagle of sports returns. Curling originated in Scotland in the 16th century, when bored farmers got drunk, put on golfer’s pants and slid big round stones across frozen ponds. Fast-forward to the 1998 Olympics, when IOC chiefs must have gotten drunk and made it a demonstration sport.

Somehow, the sight of adults feverishly sweeping ice in front of a turtle-like stone became a cult hit. Now Norway has rocked the curling and fashion world with its zigzaggy chevron print trousers.

The betting line for gold: Take the pants, give the points.

Wednesday

Men’s speedskating

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Eight years ago, Shani Davis won the 1,000 meters to become the first African American man from any country to win an individual gold medal at the Winter Games. Now he’ll try to become the first American to win the same event at three Winter Games.

Sure, that’s not as titillating as some loser hitting a figure skater on the knee with a police baton. But it would still be pretty cool.

Thursday, Feb.13

Luge team relay

(NBC, 3 p.m.)

With all due respect to team figure skating, this is by far the Games’ best spinoff sport. A male, a female and a doubles team rocket down the track and hit a “uvula-shaped” pad that releases the starting gate for the next sled. Sometimes they miss. Other times they wipe out. And there is no “cry room” with runny mascara if you lose.

Friday, Feb. 14

Women’s aerials

(NBC, 3 p.m. and 8 p.m.)

China now produces the world’s best aerial acrobats, like Xu Mengtao. She’s one of only three women who’ve pulled off a triple somersault with four twists. Another is America’s Ashley Caldwell, a former Punt, Pass & Kick champ. Xu, as far as can be determined, never won a Punt, Pass & Kick competition.

Saturday, Feb. 15

Men’s hockey: U.S. vs. Russia

(NBCSN, 4 a.m.)

Putin’s ego is riding on this one. Russia hasn’t won a gold medal since the Soviet Union broke up. Now 15 NHL players, led by Alex Ovechkin, are returning to set things right. It won’t take a reverse Miracle on Ice to get past the U.S., but the Americans are just as good. The difference is that if the U.S. loses, its players won’t be forced to retire to Siberia.

Honorable mention: Women’s Super-G

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Unless NBC technicians get the Lindsey Vonn hologram working so they pretend she’s actually competing, Julia Mancuso of the U.S. could finally get the attention she deserves.

Sunday, Feb. 16

Men’s cross-country skiing

(NBC, 3 p.m.)

Sure, the 4 x 10-kilometer relay is like watching four guys do an hour each on an elliptical machine at the gym. It’s actually sort of interesting when one of the guys is Norway’s Petter Northug. He put little Swedish flags on his ski poles when he won the World Cup there last year. He also once built a huge lead over Sweden’s Marcus Hellner, only to wait nonchalantly at the finish line and step over the finish line just before Hellner.

He’s the Richard Sherman of cross-country skiing. Will Sweden again be the San Francisco 49ers?

Monday, Feb. 17

Figure skating short dance

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

The heavyweight showdown between the finest ice dancing duos from the U.S. and Canada. It’s Americans Meryl Davis and Charlie White against Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir.

Added bonus: If the Canadians win, wouldn’t it be great if Kerrigan interviews Toronto Mayor Rob Ford?

Tuesday, Feb. 18

Women’s bobsled

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

The last time we saw Lolo Jones, she was at the London Olympics teasing her 377,000 Twitter followers about her virginity. Now she has gone from hurdler to bobsledder and is teasing Twitter by posting a video of her zipping into her skin-tight suit.

TV kills for that kind of celebrity buzz, though NBC denied it pressured the U.S. team into picking Jones. It added that it is pure coincidence Justin Bieber might play goalie for the U.S. hockey team.

Wednesday, Feb. 19

Women’s figure skating

(NBCSN 7 a.m., NBC 8 p.m.)

The marquee event of the Games begins. Defending gold medalist Yuna Kim of South Korea will try to repel Mao Asada of Japan and youngsters such as Gracie Gold of the U.S. All of which will be overshadowed if NBC leads with the Kerrigan documentary and the announcement she will take on Harding in Wrestlemania XXX. Speaking of which…

Thursday, Feb. 20

Women’s hockey gold-medal game

(NBC, 9 a.m.)

It’ll be the U.S. vs. Canada in a Loser Leave the Continent match. Actually, there’s no guarantee that’ll be the final. But these two have been so dominant, then-IOC President Jacques Rogge wondered in Vancouver if the sport should be dropped for lack of competition. Who needs a Venezuelan hockey renaissance when the Big Two are so gnarly they’ve gotten into brawls in two recent games? You go, girls!

Friday, Feb. 21

Women’s slalom

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Eighteen-year-old Mikaela Shiffrin is such a prodigy she’s called the skiing Mozart. NBC just wants her to be the next Vonn. She has the long-haired looks and the skill, having won the World Cup last year.

Saturday, Feb. 22

Men’s slalom

(NBC, 8 p.m.)

Utah’s Ted Ligety can’t catch a break. He’s been overshadowed by Miller for years. He might win three medals in Sochi, but the slalom’s darling will still be Hubertus Von Hohenlohe. He’s 55, a descendant of Austrian royalty and Mexico’s only Winter Olympian. He’ll be wearing a mariachi-themed suit, featuring a black bolero jacket, ruffled tuxedo shirt and red tie. Expect Hubertus to make the next Olympics as a Norwegian curler.

Sunday, Feb. 23

Men’s hockey gold-medal game

(NBC, 4 a.m.)

This should be great regardless of who plays. Canada is loaded. The U.S., Sweden and the Czech Republic are threats. Then there’s Mother Russia. If it wins gold on home ice, Putin probably will jump into the Black Sea.

sports@latimes.com