On the Media: Listening in at Over-exposers Anonymous

Dr. Modest: OK, everyone. Over-exposers Anonymous will come to order. It’s good to see some of you sticking with your program. I see Sarah P. and LeBron J. holding steady. I admired that because I know you don’t like to be here. And I’m hoping tonight we might hear from our newest member, Anthony W.

We all know what it’s like to be over-exposed in the media. We’re here to learn how to keep it real by keeping it sealed. Taking a break from your mouth, your Twitter, your blog, your Tumblr page. Now, who wants to go first?

LeBron J.: Can’t help it if the minions prefer and demand my presence. They find me Bubblicious.

Sarah P.: The lamestream media just won’t let me be, either. You don’t see me going through their cruddy old email. Sheesh.

Dr. Modest: Christopher L., you’re a little farther along. Maybe show these others how to get it started.

Christopher L.: Sure. Hi, folks. I’m Chris. And I’m an over-exposer.

Group: Hi, Chris!

Christopher L.: I had my dream job in Washington. Making laws. Fixing America like only a second-term, small government congressman can. Life was positively K Street. Then I went online; posted a picture of my fabulously sculpted pecs and it’s like I’m some kind of circus freak.

Tony W.: [sotto voce] Pssssh. Fabulously sculpted. Congressman Chris Lee? Yeah, and Ryan Seacrest will be the next Mr. Universe.

Dr. Modest: Anthony, maybe you’d like to speak up in front of the whole group. It’s really the only way to make progress. You haven’t said a word.

Tony W.: No, no, no. No more big decisions until Huma gets home. But Representative Upstate, sculpted? Really? You must have never glimpsed these bad boys (slaps both biceps) in the House steam room.

Christopher L.: At least I know I’ve got issues. Thanks to you guys and your constant yammering, no one seems to recall how I turned myself into one “fit, fun, classy” and bare-chested guy on Craigslist. I resigned immediately, Congressman Crotch-shot. Let’s not pretend there’s some electoral strategy that’s going to save your bacon.

Dr. Modest: Now, now gentlemen, this is a support group. So let’s support.

LeBron J.: Damn, can’t believe I’m listening to a coupla tiny little G-men, chattering and whining like they know pressure. Ever listen to sports-talk, gents? Check out the haters calling “The Herd” and “The Jungle” this week, gents. That’s some serious loathing, just for losing a couple of basketball games.

Sarah P.: LeBorn, LeBorn, if you don’t mind me jumpin’ in here, it was the NBA championship. And it wasn’t just losing. It was the way you failed to take the ball to the cup. And didn’t establish a semblance of a low-post game all season. And shucked responsibility in the biggest moments. The Wasilla High varsity closes out better than you tropical Heat people. And what’s a little double-team by that German fella with the huge noggin? You can’t even comprehend real torment until you’ve been zone-pressed by the entire national media.

Dr. Modest: People, people, let’s focus. We’re here to admit that we over-exposed ourselves; that our own narcissism brought pain into our lives. By taking responsibility for our failings, we grow. Then we can move on.

LeBron J.: Am I hearin’ this? Am I hearin’ this? First, it’s LeBron, LEBRON! Not LeBORN. And what’s this dogging the media for following you? Didn’t I hear on CNN that little Miss Presidential-pants Facebooked her fans about that “private” family vacation? Seems I saw that big old bus of yours, Sarah P., tricked out like you were Carrie Underwood.

Sarah P.: Mr. James, I don’t know a single devoted Christian family that wouldn’t want to drive the route of their forerunners in a bus that symbolizes not only the exceptional greatness of America but also the exceptional resolve of the American people to turn the socialist usurper out of the White House. Those reporter-types just kept chasin’. It’s not like we stamped “Follow Us” on the bumper.

Tony W.: LeBron, I must say that Gov. Palin is usually riding one way on the Bridge to Nowhere. But it does seem you brought some of this on yourself. First a prime-time special to dump your homeboys in Ohio. Why not pour gas on The Q, just set the arena on fire? Then that Miami fireworks show, saying you would win six or seven championships? You over-promised and over-exposed yourself. Admit it and you’re on the road to redemption, my brother. I bet Oprah would even roll out a special for you.

LeBron J.: Oprah? Redemption? You’re the one parading your shortcomings all over Twitter. And I’m over-exposed, my brother? As I said post-game, the Greater Man upstairs will know when it’s my time.

Sarah P.: Greater Man? You’re talking a segment with Rush! Don’t blow that, LeBran! El Rushbo will not give you a second chance. That’s 20 million listeners. And, don’t forget, a lot of them are shut-ins. Think about what that can do for your next book!

Dr. Modest: Please, can we get just one more over-exposer to share, to admit their pathology, right here, right now?

LeBron J.: Man, I knew this was just some jabber-jabber kind of rehabber. I already told ESPN “I wasn’t saying I’m superior to anyone else” with that postgame press conference. Yeah, I talked about the hating fans being unable to escape their hella small lives. I might have mentioned that their problems would never, ever go away. At least I didn’t pretend they were even remotely King-like. A little honesty. You feel me?

Sarah P.: LeBurn, Mr. Weiner, shouldn’t it be pretty obvious what’s happening to all of us? Why would the good people of the US of A, the ones who live in the real America, not get what we’re about? Only one reason: that lamestream media. Again.

LeBron J.: It’s LeBron. LeBron. You know, Tony, this funny-talking little lady is as true as my fourth-quarter jump shot. The semi-final jumper, that is, not the finals version. Darned media, twisting and turning everything.

Tony W.: Absolutely. A few stray pictures and they act like I’m some Charlie Sheen whack job. I’m guessing those bloated reporters can’t stand to lay eyes on a man of, dare I say, tone and a certain … allure. Sarah, tell the truth, Todd has never looked as ripped as I did in that Twitpic, has he?

Sarah P.: I would never tweet or status-update such, Rep. Weiner-person. But you did show a sorta Lower 48 kind of hunkiness. Don’t bet on hearin’ that kind of truth from the Katie C.’s of the world, though.

Tony W.: Precisely. Media manipulators. Everywhere. We’re at their mercy.

LeBron J.: Media. Damn media. Think it’s too late for me to buy Oprah’s show?

james.rainey@latimes.com

Twitter: latimesrainey