Rotisserie smackdown! Popeil versus Foreman

Welcome to the Wednesday Roastdown! This is the middleweight indoor rotisserie elimination, and we’re down to two contenders. Longtime favorite Faberware has retired, leaving the field to the George Jr. Rotisserie and the Jr. Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven.

These boys don’t do things fancy-style. Neither has a temperature control -- the only setting you can adjust is the cooking time, up to three hours.

And they’re pretty evenly matched. Jr. Showtime, from legendary TV pitchman Ron “Veg-O-Matic” Popeil, has a rotisserie assembly consisting of two large wheels linked by two long prongs. George Jr., from heavyweight boxer-health foodie George Foreman, has smaller wheels and one long prong plus four shorter prongs.

And now the contenders are coming into the ring! In white, George Jr., with that whole cuddly R2-D2-Volkswagen Bug charm. And in black, Jr. Showtime, more compact and serious-looking, with the hulking style of a mountain castle in “Lord of the Rings.”

(Roar from the crowd, hoarse cries of “It’s Showtime!” “Smoke ‘im, George!” and “Hey, when do we eat around here?”)

They’re circling each other now, calling each other out:

“You know you can’t cook as fast as me, barrel-shaped pretty boy!”

“I’m not gonna stand here and get lied about and trash-mouthed by an overgrown toaster oven! You’re goin’ down, glass-face!”

“Everybody knows what your problem is, your momma was scared by a washing machine!”

“Bring it on, just bring it on, you five-pound turkey!”

And that last one’s got to hurt. Everybody knows they’re each rated to roast a 10-pound turkey.

Round 1

Here’s the first round, a lamb roast. Jr. Showtime calls his shot: a brash 18 minutes a pound, or just a bit over an hour to bring a 3 3/4-pound roast to an internal temperature of 160 degrees! George Jr. more cautiously estimates 20 to 23 minutes a pound for his 4-pounder.

They’re off, and it’s clear that George Jr. may have the good looks, but Jr. Showtime has the showmanship. He’s rotating four times as fast as George Jr. and clearly cooking at a higher temperature -- the meat starts sizzling and browning within minutes!

But after an hour, the meat is still only 133 degrees. When the round is finally called at 90 minutes, Jr. Showtime’s roast has just reached 157 degrees, though its surface is extremely brown, in places just short of burned.

Meanwhile, George Jr.’s roast is only 146 degrees, edible but terribly rare.

Jr. Showtime takes this round. George Jr.’s corner protests, because the roasts were slightly different weights, but the judges refuse to overturn.

(Boos and triumphant hoots from the crowd.)

Round 2

The second round is pork, an event that has to be cooked to a regulation 160 degrees. Jr. Showtime predicts a flat 60 minutes for a 5-pound roast. George Jr. ventures 80 to 100 minutes.

Ouch! Cheese and crackers, what’s that racket? An awful noise is coming out of Showtime, something between a wail, a tragic groan and a fingernail on a blackboard! The judges are holding their ears, and Jr. Showtime is in danger of being disqualified! But his assistant, Manual, claims that this is merely a “squeak.” An application of vegetable oil to the ends of the axle cures it.

Once again, the more cautious time estimate is right. Jr. Showtime’s roast takes 90 minutes to reach 160, George Jr.’s takes 97. Jr. Showtime again has a slightly better time this round, but since George Jr. called the time more accurately, the judges rule it a draw.

Round 3

And now, to settle this match, the final challenge: a 4-pound chicken. Here the estimates are very close, 15 and 17 minutes a pound, 60 and 72 minutes, respectively.

Twenty minutes into the round, the “squeak” recurs. (Obviously, Jr. Showtime had better keep oil on hand all the time, 24/7.)

At 60 minutes, the two chickens are 156 and 157 degrees, respectively, nowhere near done for chicken. At 75 minutes -- 15 minutes past doneness according to Jr. Showtime’s call, just about on schedule for George Jr. -- the chickens are 181 and 173 degrees, respectively.

Both are good, but the George Jr. is decidedly better. The white meat is wonderfully moist, the dark meat flavorful. Surprisingly, George Jr. has even rendered more fat from his chicken, though apparently cooking at a lower temperature.

The judges are huddling to assess in the final factor: cleanup. Each rotisserie has a glass window that can be removed for cleaning. The judges find that the reflector plate (also called the back plate) of the George Jr. tends to discolor with use, as does George Jr.’s white exterior.

The worst cleaning problem by far, though, is the end plates (“gear wheels”) of the Jr. Showtime, which get heavily crusted with petrified meat juices. Ouch! This is one tough gear wheel to clean! The judges describe the job as a cardiovascular exercise.

Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have made their ruling.

(Expectant roar from the crowd.)

Yes, it’s cuddly one, the R2-D2, George Jr. He may not be as fast as Jr. Showtime, and he may not have the same dramatic ways, but he calls his shots better, browns more evenly ... and whoa, that chicken! He’s gorgeous, George is.

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Rotisseries: a winner in three rounds

George Jr. Rotisserie (Salton)

What’s the difference: George Foreman’s namesake is cuter, about an inch larger in every dimension and slower, in both rotation and cooking speed. It holds almost any hunk of meat securely in place.

What we thought: Food may take longer to cook but we liked the result better. And cleanup was a lot easier.

How much: $99.99 at Macy’s, Cookin’ Stuff, Bed Bath & Beyond, Target and other stores.

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Jr. Showtime Rotisserie & BBQ Oven (Ronco)

What’s the difference: Ron Popeil’s rotisserie cooks hotter and spins like crazy -- overall, a more dramatic show. Needs oiling or it makes hideous sound. It can be a chore to wrestle a chicken onto the spit.

What we thought: Cooks a little too fast, cleans up way too slow.

How much: $99.99 at Macy’s, Cookin’ Stuff, Linens ‘n Things, Robinsons-May Co., Target and other stores.