As the fortune cookie crumbles

BELIEVE IT: The fortune cookie was invented in California. San Francisco claims it, but Smithsonian magazine credits it to an L.A. noodle maker, and I’m not going to contradict Washington, not in this political climate.

Believe this too: I laughed at those paper homilies until I got this one at the Far East Cafe, a Chinese restaurant in Little Tokyo: “Something green is heading your way.” On my way back to the office, I almost got hit by a green van.

I’d like to think that any number of Californians would have been better off if they’d only paid attention to those little slips of post-prandial paper. See whether you can match the fortune to the foolish.

1. “Popularity is like a soap bubble -- try to grab it with both hands, and it blows up in your face.”

2. “Beware of people who offer to pay you to do what you’d do for nothing.”

3. “A politician is a man who tries to save both faces.”

4. “After a trying year, stick close to home and hearth.”

5. “White is not your best color.”

6. “When you install a lightning rod, be careful that you don’t get struck yourself.”

7. “Big things are moving in your direction.”

8. “Don’t give up your day job.”

9. “Be kind to animals, or your unkindness will come back to bite you.”

10. “A man who abandons the land of the giants for the realm of the stars is one smart cookie.”

11. “One grain of sand makes a pearl, which one woman can enjoy. A million grains make a beach, which many men and women can enjoy.”

12. “When it comes to job security, jump before you get pushed.”

13. “Home isn’t always where the heart is.”

A. Michael Jackson, who after acquittals on felony charges of child molestation, boogied off to set up housekeeping in the kingdom of Bahrain while his own financial realm was in danger of sinking in red ink.

B. Cindy Sheehan, the Vacaville woman whose son Casey was killed in Iraq. Her war protests made her a reviled and revered mater dolorosa.

C. The Rev. Lou Sheldon, who heads the Orange County-based Traditional Values Coalition, which, according to the Washington Post, got $25,000 from indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff for crusading against gambling and unwittingly taking part in Abramoff’s scheme to defeat an anti-gambling measure that would have hurt Abramoff’s pro-gambling clients. Yeah, it’s complicated.

D. Sen. Barbara Boxer. Her black hat/white hat novel of political fantasy, “A Time to Run,” has gotten reviews that make the waters of San Francisco Bay seem balmy.

E. Anthony Brewer and Todd Natow, who were arrested for dumping Reggie the six-foot-long alligator into Harbor City’s Lake Machado. Unlike his dumpers, Reggie is still at large.

F. Jim Hahn, who lost his shot at a second term as L.A.’s mayor.

G. Ex-San Diego Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham, who campaigned as “a congressman we can be proud of” while evading his taxes and spending millions of dollars in bribes from defense contractors on French furniture and a Rolls-Royce. “I would never put the interests of a friend or a contractor above the interests of my country,” he said -- before he confessed to doing just the opposite.

H. Ned Colletti, who left San Francisco to become the Dodgers’ new general manager.

I. James Andrew Crawford, a registered sex offender who was arrested for not notifying the cops, as the law requires, when he spent more than five days at a new “domicile.” He had pitched a tent for two weeks in a line outside a Corona theater, waiting for the new “Star Wars” movie.

J. David Geffen, who was finally forced to make good on a promise made years ago to open a public path to the beach next to his Malibu house.

K. La Conchita, where 10 died in January in the town’s second massive landslide in 10 years.

L. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who couldn’t capitalize on his celebrity with a resentful electorate and got blown out of the water in November’s special election.

M. Cardinal Roger Mahony, who was said to have once harbored pope hopes. He saw the white smoke go up in Rome -- for Joseph Ratzinger.

Answers: 1L; 2C; 3G; 4A; 5M; 6B; 7K; 8D; 9E; 10H; 11J; 12F; 13I.

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PATT MORRISON’s e-mail is patt. morrison@latimes.com.