Looking for a Little R&R; From the Nonsense, ASAP

I remember a simpler time when the only important sporting acronyms in a kid’s life were ERA (earned-run average) and RBI (runs batted in).

Einstein had his theory of relativity and we had ours: multiply number of earned runs by nine and divide by innings pitched. Is there a more perfect equation?

Unfortunately, today’s sports page has become so inundated by acronyms you could use it to pass an eye-chart test.

Cover your left eye and read:

BALCOHGHRPIAPR

Maybe it’s a sign of the times: more people, more cars, more traffic, more cable TV outlets, more of Jason Giambi, then less of Giambi, more acronyms.

It’s almost enough to make someone go AWOL (absent without leave):

* OBP (on-base percentage). Somewhere between Bill James and “Moneyball,” the OBP overtook ERA in a palace coup to become baseball’s most elite statistic.

Oh, and it could lead to the Dodgers’ ruination.

OBP is based on the total of hits, walks and hit by pitches divided by total at-bats, walks hit by pitches and sacrifice flies -- kind of sticks in your throat, doesn’t it?

The theory on OBP is you can trade star players for a bunch of slap hitters who work every count to 3 and 2.

Some believe OBP is a code word for “cheapskate ownership.”

* BALCO. So common in journalism you wonder if Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative even needs to be spelled out on first reference

* HGH (human growth hormone). Jose Canseco recommends the chewable tablets.

* DMT (desoxy-methyl-testosterone). The latest in a line of previously undetectable steroids. Canseco suggests DMT with a Cobb salad.

* BMI (body mass index). It replaced BMW (Bavarian Motor Works) as the hot-topic acronym in NFL parking lots last week after a study concluded 56% of NFL players are overweight.

This “shocking” report also concluded that jockeys tend to be small and most hockey players are excellent skaters.

* APR (academic progress rate). The NCAA put 326 schools on notice with a preliminary report card designed to shake “student-athletes” to their core classes.

* RPI (ratings performance index). A far more important barometer than APR, as it is used by the selection committee to pick at-large schools for the $2-billion NCAA tournament.

* BCS (bowl championship series). Moved past IRS (Internal Revenue Service) into the No. 1 spot in a recent survey of America’s most loathed acronyms.

* ATM (automatic teller machine). What Kobe Bryant will visit a lot more now that he settled his civil case.

* WPT (World Poker Tour). It’s crazy to believe that truckers wearing sun glasses could draw ratings by playing draw poker, yet we may look back at the WPT as the reason the NHL (National Hockey League) folded.

* DOA (dead on arrival). Any new bargaining proposal made by players to NHL owners.

* ESPNU. A new 24-hour channel devoted to college sports, which is terrific news for women’s lacrosse and bad news for Ohio State’s football program.

* NASCAR (National Assn. for Stock Car Auto Racing). I’m now convinced in 20 years Jeff Gordon will be president of the United States and rebuilding a carburetor will be an advanced-placement class in high school.

* SOS (strength of schedule). A key analytical tool when judgment is factored into the championship selection process. Example: Auburn finished 13-0 but out of the title mix in college football because of a weak nonconference schedule that included Division I-AA Citadel.

To ensure this could happen again next season, Auburn turned down a chance to play locked-and-loaded Fresno State and instead scheduled I-AA Western Kentucky.

Meanwhile, the team that did not need to bolster its schedule -- two-time defending champion USC -- will play Fresno State.

Feel free to bring this up any time someone from Auburn wants to argue SOS.

* AARP (American Assn. of Retired Persons). We hope 73-year-old Temple Coach John Chaney is coaching its recreation league basketball team next season.

* LAAOA (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim). Anaheim is holding onto this legal fight like a toddler to his mom’s skirt, but “LA Angels” is already seeping into sports copy.

Ultimately, LAAOA fails my test for sporting acceptance: can you fit it on a ball cap?

* CST (Central Standard Time). Most recently used at the NFL Combine in the sentence, “former Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett was clocked in the 40-yard dash at 4.82 seconds, CST.”

* SCUBA: (self-contained underwater breathing apparatus). Not a popular acronym yet, but we’re thinking this could be ESPN’s next 24-hour cable venture.

* MRI (magnetic resonance imaging). Rumor has it they did one of these exams on Canseco’s head and found nothing. Barry Bonds is considering an MRI exam to prove his head hasn’t shrunk.

* PC (political correctness). Any water-cooler argument in which Chaney gets a free pass for his behavior but Bob Knight doesn’t.

A non-PC thought: If Chaney is allowed to coach another season after ordering a hard foul on an opposing player, St. Joseph’s senior John Bryant should receive an extra year of eligibility as settlement for his arm being broken.

* HIT (high-intensity training). Jerry Rice loves it, John Daly doesn’t.

* HBO (Home Box Office). The network on which Bryant Gumbel can ask Vijay Singh in an interview why he rubs some people the wrong way while we’re thinking Singh could have asked Gumbel the same question.