Tiger Woods picks the wrong spot for a comeback

Here’s hoping it will be a more humble, humane Tiger Woods who takes his first official golf swings after spending five months mired in a sex scandal.

But, let’s face it, only someone still bathed in delusions of grandeur would do so in a church.

Woods announced Tuesday that he is returning for the venerable Masters beginning April 8, and the reaction here is twofold.

Good for him. But why Augusta?

Tiger Woods making his return at perhaps the most revered venue in all of American sports is like a shamed senator making his political comeback on Easter Sunday at New York’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

The Augusta National course is perfection. The first steps of Woods’ comeback will be messy.

The Masters tournament is one of the last sports events that is bigger than any of the athletes who compete there. Woods’ comeback will completely swallow it.

Forget the green jacket. The only article of clothing that will concern anyone will be something worn by Tiger Woods’ wife Elin, if she attends.

Forget Amen Corner. The most watched hole will be the one played by Woods, who will spend four days as the most witnessed landmark in Masters history.

The Masters: A Rehab Weekend Like No Other.

It is obvious why Woods chose this venue for his return. Remember his recent speech in front of friends and family, his completely controlled return to the public eye?

The Masters is the golf version of that. Inside the Augusta gates, every move is regulated, every action monitored, every emotion corralled.

Is there any other golf tournament where spectators are expressly forbidden to ‘’run?” It is surely the only golf tournament where running will result in the loss of your tickets.

It is the only sporting event where the number of credentialed media is kept at a low level and rarely changed. It is also the only golf event where the media is not allowed inside the ropes, allowing the golfers a sort of peace that they will not find anywhere else.

The news conferences are equally as controlled, as it is the only tournament where the interviews are run by members of hosting club. Snug in their green jackets, the Augusta National lords sit on the stage next to the golfer and point to the next questioner.

Usually this stuff is harmless. I’ve never heard a question censored or a cheer stifled. The crowd happily treats the course with reverence, the media can watch from special press bleachers and talk to anyone about anything, the atmosphere is genteel and the golfers respond with greatness.

For Woods, this will be a sort of halfway house from heaven. But for the Masters, it could be four days — or maybe just two days? — of hell.

Every Woods news conference will be filled with the sort of talk that will stage the event as something other than a golf tournament. The green coats can request that the questions involve only golf, but as Woods proved this winter, there are plenty of ways to associate sex with golf.

His rounds will be taut with the expectation of distraction from a crowd that is famous for its forced etiquette. Yes, everyone is polite, but this is the Bible Belt, and they do serve beer, and who knows when this will become the U.S. Open in Bethpage?

One can argue that Woods’ presence would dominate any golf tournament. But it’s not quite the same at the Masters. While he’s a four-time champion here, he has always been treated the same as everyone else here, just another stitch in golf’s most glorious quilt.

Not this year. No Masters winner will ever be as forgotten as the guy who wins this year —and no, Woods is not going to win it. Every bit of fragrant air will be sucked up by the world’s most famous fallen athlete looking for a soft landing.

Azaleas? What azaleas?

Woods could have avoided turning Augusta into a circus by sending in the clowns a couple of weeks earlier. He could have started his comeback at next week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational, which he has won the last two years and six times overall. Arnie is a man of the people, and so Tiger could have presented himself as one as well, willingly enduring nutty news conferences, unruly crowds and at least two of the toughest rounds of his life.

It would have been nuts, but then it would have been over, and he could have walked into Augusta National in the quiet shadows of the pines and dogwoods like everyone else.

Then again, maybe the Augusta National nobles deserve this. After all these years of excluding women, their club is about to be stolen by a guy running from them.

bill.plaschke@latimes.com

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