The Inside Story on Phony Dolphins and Their Helmets

Straight talk from the Answer Man:

What was the upshot of all that Super Bowl counterfeiting furor up there in Palo Alto? Were any arrests made?

The police didn’t nab any ticket counterfeiters, but they did arrest one counterfeit football team, a group of 49 men trying to pass themselves off as the Miami Dolphins. A police spokesman said the group was a clever copy of the real Dolphins, but on closer inspection, the quarterback was much greener than Dan Marino. The arrest was made shortly after the game when the 49 imposters limped off the playing field and attempted to force their way into the Dolphins’ locker room.

I have written the music for an album chronicling the 1984 season of the U.S. Olympic cycling team. Now I’m looking for a group to record the album. With your intimate knowledge of the music industry, can you suggest an appropriate group?

Blood, Sweat & Tears.

I read about Cesar Cedeno crashing his Mercedes into a tree, then trying to kick out the windows of a police car. Why was Cedeno so angry?

Because the police arrested him, but let the tree off with a warning.

Looking in your crystal ball, do you see a USFL merger in the near future?

What do you mean, future? Don’t you read the papers? The USFL recently merged with Doug Flutie. As for a USFL-NFL merger, that depends on whether the NFL runs out of quarterbacks and running backs before the USFL runs out of money.

The NCAA, in an effort to stop the illegal practice of athletes selling their complimentary game tickets, has ordered no tickets be given the players. Instead, each player will be allowed to put four names on a pass list. It seems to me what the jocks will do now is sell their four guest-list spots instead of their four tickets, but what do I know? Anyway, my question is this: What is the NCAA doing about some of the more serious and chronic abuses of the rules?

For starters, free cars are out. Players will no longer be allowed to justify ownership of expensive cars by claiming their uncles bought them as graduation gifts. Instead, players will have to put their names on a sign-up list to take new Pontiac Trans-Ams on test drives for a year or two.

I was intrigued by the Miami Dolphins’ helmets. On the side is a decal of a leaping Dolphin, wearing a football helmet. I never got close enough to see the decal in detail. Does the tiny helmet worn by the decal Dolphin also have a Dolphin with a helmet, and so on, into infinity?

No, the decal Dolphin is wearing a helmet with a decal of a naked person wearing a clip-on dorsal fin.

Oh, the headlines! Soviet weightlifters arrested for selling steroids ... British athletes accused of widespread drug use ... Vanderbilt football player ditto ... U.S. athletes blood doping ... Is there an athlete somewhere in the world who isn’t taking some kind of drug or artificial aid?

Probably. Try the luge team.

The strongest man in the world, Soviet weightlifter Anatoly Pisarenko, has been banned from competition after being convicted in Canada of possessing steroids for sale. Who will be the next World’s Strongest Man?

Whoever can lift Pisarenko’s ban.

Tell me more about this blood doping. The way I understand it, some blood is taken out of the athlete, stored, then pumped back into the athlete before competition, right?

Yes, but there are variations. Tom Landry, for instance, had all of his blood removed years ago and put in cold storage. Joe Montana had his blood removed and replaced with ice water. Soviet weightlifters reportedly prefer a mix of half blood, half hydraulic fluid. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had his blood replaced with straight Geritol.

In a tennis tournament earlier this month, John McEnroe complained bitterly about the fans and about the scheduling of matches dictated by television. Did his complaints fall on deaf ears?

The tournament sponsors, to compensate McEnroe for the inconveniences caused him by the fans and the TV scheduling, gave him $200,000 first-prize money, $40,000 in various bonuses, a gold-and-silver racket worth $25,000 and a championship ring worth $20,000. Also, they waived his locker room towel fee.

Why do golfers demand silence from the galleries? Is it because they consider themselves sensitive artists who create best in peaceful surroundings, who need complete and total concentration to perform in their breathtaking manner?

Shhhhhh!