For Answer Man, No Rose Garden Blooms in Boston

Dear Answer Man . . .

When the Lakers went to Boston for the NBA final series last season, there was much said and written about the deplorable conditions in the Boston Garden. Is it pretty much the same this time?

Last winter a savage storm swept through the Boston area and did $5-million worth of improvements to the Garden.

Why is the L.A. Express moving from the Coliseum to a college field in the Valley for its last game of the season? So they can fill a stadium?

No, so John Hadl can’t find the team. I kid. Hadl has been fired, but the termination was handled with the kind of courage and class I think we all admire in USFL leadership. What happened was that Commissioner Harry Usher flew to Los Angeles and told Express General Manager Don Klosterman, in essence, “Hadl and his staff are fired, but give me time to leave town before you tell ‘em.”

A trivia question for you, Ans. On an old TV series, the ending of each episode was a group of people peering at a figure galloping out of town, into the sunset, and someone in the group always said, “Say, who was that masked man?” Well, who was that masked man?

Harry Usher.

Why in the world is that gymnasium-train depot named the Boston Garden?

Because when the Celtics play there, opposing players tend to turn into vegetables.

Do you have any contributions to the new craze of giving nicknames of sports figures to famous people outside sports?

I usually try to keep this column a little more dignified than that. But since you ask, how about entertainers James (Dizzy) Dean, Esther (No Neck) Williams, Judd (Crazylegs) Hirsch, Tab (Catfish) Hunter, Wee Ruby Keeler and E. (Mr.) T. Or, if you’re into wartime figures, how about Neville (The Big Dipper) Chamberlain, Sir Francis (Ducky) Drake and John Paul (Too Tall) Jones.

So the Celtics don’t like the Lakers’ “Hollywood” low-five routine, used during pre-game player introductions. Why do the Celts object to this ritual?

I’m not sure. I phoned Boston to ask, but all of the players were unavailable to be interviewed. The team was holding a special practice session to work on such fundamentals as whirlybird towel waving, giving the choke sign and victory-cigar lighting.

What do you think about Peter Ueberroth stopping the rain? He takes over as commissioner and there have been only two rainouts. Great, eh?

Sure, unless you like to eat. Ever heard of farms, pal? All the nation’s produce next year will have to come from the Boston Garden.

Is it true that Mary Lou Retton will not compete in the 1988 Olympics so she can be a TV commentator at those Games?

Yes it’s true, and I salute her courage. Anybody can win a gold medal in consecutive Olympics, but darn few teen-age girls are willing to make the personal sacrifices necessary to become world-class gymnastics color commentators.

I see where the famed Crosby Clambake golf tournament will move out of state. Do you think this will spoil or change the tournament in any way?

Not at all. The tournament will retain its distinctive character and traditions, except that it will be played in North Carolina instead of at Pebble Beach, and, rumor has it, will be sponsored by a company that makes chicken coating. Personally, I can’t wait for the 1986 Crosby Shake ‘n’ Bake.

The Chicago Bulls fired coach Kevin Loughery, who had a 38-44 record. The team owner cited philosophical differences. What part of Loughery’s philosophy didn’t the owner like?

The 44 part.