Why Were These All-Stars Ignored in the Selections?

The All-Star game is over, so I guess we won’t have to listen to all the griping about the fans’ whimsical voting habits again until next year.

Actually, the fans didn’t do such a bad job, considering that most of the votes were cast by the third game of the season. There were no major injustices. The San Diego Chicken, Lou Gehrig and Bucky Dent were not voted into the starting lineup.

Still, there are always some people who deserve to be in the All-Star game but don’t make it. Selection is supposedly based on outstanding performance in the first half of the season. So, what the heck happened to: --Mike Schmidt. A big season for Mike. He’s not hitting a lick, and he lost his position, but he has already roundly criticized his own club as a “free-swinging team that plays bad defense,” and the Philadelphia fans, calling them “beyond help” and “uncontrollable.”

The game after his fan remarks were printed, Schmidt took the field wearing sunglasses and a long-haired wig. The disguise earned him some scattered cheers and a lucrative pro wrestling contract.

--The Philly fans. They should have been shipped to Minnesota en masse for the All-Star game, in recognition of their loyalty and restraint. These fans actually pay money to watch a lousy team with a stupid mascot and a star player whose hardest hits are verbal. And all they do is boo a little. That’s class.

--Terry Forster. Other ballplayers earn nicknames like the Sultan of Swat or the Wild Horse of the Osage. Atlanta’s Forster, thanks to David Letterman, has become known as the Fat Tub of Goo.

Why not an All-Star pitch-off between Terry (the Tub) Forster and LaMarr (Hot Tub) Hoyt of the Padres, the only two pitchers wider than the pitcher’s mound? As Forster says, “Fat people need heroes, too.”

--Lenn Sakata. The Baltimore utility man is hitting only .216 but leads the league in steals. Stolen signs, that is. The Cleveland Indians suspect that Sakata steals signs by sitting in the Orioles’ clubhouse and watching the game on TV.

A versatile performer, Sakata switches the TV between innings to “All My Children” and relays reports to the dugout.

--Kelvin Chapman of the Mets, and George Wright of the Rangers. As of last Sunday, these two guys were the worst hitters in the big leagues. Chapman was batting .182 and Wright .165, with zero homers between them.

The All-Star game is too stuffy and exclusive. Inviting the worst hitter in each league would give the game a nice human touch, and give most fans someone they could identify with.

--Chuck Cottier. During a game in early June against the Yankees, the Seattle Mariners’ manager disagreed with an umpires’ decision. He uprooted the first-base bag, then went into the dugout and threw several bats and helmets out onto the field.

A chronic complaint among players at All-Star games is that there’s never enough room in the dugout for all the players. One year, Kent Tekulve had to spend the entire game in the National League bat rack. A guy like Cottier would clear out the clutter and make sure there’s room in the dugout for everyone.

--Mike Stanton. Stanton, a journeyman right-hander, went into the season with a major league record of 12-19. He paid $6,000 to have his right arm insured for $2 million by Lloyd’s of London. A few days after buying the policy, Stanton was cut from the team. Let’s at least give the guy a chance to hit the jackpot by blowing out his arm.

--Umpires Ken Kaiser (6-2, 285 pounds), John McSherry (6-3, estimated 300) and Eric Gregg (6-3, estimated 300). So Letterman will have someone to make fun of besides Forster.

The Orioles complained this season that Kaiser, when working behind the plate, was blocking their radar speed gun. Kaiser reportedly responded by eating the gun.

--Lonnie Smith. Traded from St. Louis to Kansas City recently, Smith ingratiated himself with his new team and league by proclaiming that in the American League, pitchers are chicken to challenge hitters, the pace of the games is too slow and the strike zone is weird. Smith tactfully refrained from calling the American League a fat tub of goo.

--Joaquin Andujar. Joaquin was named to the All-Star team but chose to boycott the game because National League Manager Dick Williams did not name him the starting pitcher.

Actually, I understand Joaquin had decided to swallow his pride and show up at the game, then he learned that Williams was not planning to bat him cleanup.

Last season, Andujar missed the game because of an illness in his family. He is halfway to achieving the difficult grand slam of All-Star absence excuses. In ‘86, Joaquin plans to accidentally oversleep, and in ‘87, he will miss the game because of a pulled muscle between his ears.