Answer Man Sees Where A. C. Green and Baseball Are

The Answer Man pounds the sports beat, using Enos Cabell’s lucky hammer:

Question: What ever happened to A. C. Green, the Lakers’ No. 1 draft choice?

Answer: He left town when contract talks stalled. Green was upset that, because of the NBA’s salary cap, the Lakers were able to offer him only bus fare from Oregon, a free tour of Magic Johnson’s home, and all the sneakers he could wear.

Rumors abound. One is that Green is playing ball in Italy. Another is that he has defected to Boston and asked the Celtics to grant him asylum. Too bad. I think A. C. could have been a real spark plug.

Q: How can the Angels hope to win a pennant if they can’t even avoid the old hidden-ball trick?

A: Gimme a break, pal. It’s been more than three weeks since someone last pulled the old hidden ball trick on the Angels.

In all honesty, however, on the current trip, various Angel players have fallen for the old hidden bat trick, the old hidden luggage trick and the old squirting carnation trick. It’s a young team, but they’re learning.

Q: In a recent column, you quoted Pete Rose as saying all the Reds need to do to win the West is to pick up one game a week on the Dodgers, and thereby win the division by one game. Then you, Answer Man, corrected Rose’s math, writing that the Reds trail the Dodgers by seven games with six weeks to play. My schedule shows Pete was correct, that there are eight weeks left.

A: Picky, picky. What are you, a CPA? So I made a mistake, sue me. What happened was that I got confused, I was looking at the wrong schedule. I was reading Pedro Guerrero’s airline schedule.

Q: What ever happened to all those baseball-fan boycotts that were being organized to protest the greedy major league players going on strike?

A: The fans are boycotting the boycotts.

Q: The Lakers say they can’t afford to pay A. C. Green much money because of the salary cap. So how can they afford to get Maurice Lucas? Wouldn’t Lucas run into the same problem with the salary cap?

A: Lucas has a bigger cap size.

Q: I read that Tom Lasorda is quite a bench jockey. Who is the most feared needler in baseball?

A: My vote goes to the Texas team physician, who recently punctured Billy Martin’s lung while giving Martin an injection in the back. The doc explained: “I guess I misjudged the thickness of his chest wall. Usually athletes have a lot thicker wall.”

In fairness, the doc didn’t miscalculate by much. There’s no truth to the rumor that Martin was pinned to the dugout wall like a butterfly displayed in a collection. However, just to play it safe, if you do visit this doctor, and he gets out the needle, I suggest you very slowly step back about two inches.

Q: How is Mary Lou Retton cashing in on her Olympic fame?

A: Mary Lou is taking the standard commercial route--she endorsed Wheaties, then signed on as national spokesperson for the bowling industry.

Q: Who’s your pick to win the Davis Cup this year?

A: Al.

Q: Is it true that ex-commissioner Bowie Kuhn played a role in bringing the recent baseball strike to an end?

A: Kuhn played the same role in the ’85 strike that he played in the ’81 strike.

Q: When did you realize that the strike was destined to come to a speedy conclusion, Answer Man?

A: When I read the following newspaper headline Aug. 3: “Neither Side Holds Much Hope for Ueberroth’s Plan.”

Q: Since Pete Rose named his new son Tyler, Ty for short, does it bother Rose that people are beginning to dredge up some ugly aspects of Ty Cobb’s personality?

A: Rose explained to me: “I didn’t really name my son after Cobb, more in honor of Cobb. And also because it sounded good, Ty Rose. If I was going for a record set by somebody named Horace, for example, I wouldn’t have named my son Horace.”

I’m sure Rose meant no offense to the memory of Horace Greeley, who said: “Go West, young man,” or Horace Stoneham, an old man who went West with his young Giants baseball team. Incidentally, after Stoneham was born, that first name was officially retired, and nobody may name a child Horace.

Q: That beautiful, temporary facade that covered the interior of the Coliseum’s peristyle end during the Olympic Games--did it fall victim to vandals, or was it simply torn down and hauled away?

A: Neither. Lyle Alzado ate it.