Now Along Comes Still Another Suit He Can’t Get Into

This column will be of interest only to anyone who has ever been overweight or sniffed cocaine. The rest of you may wait outside in the telephone booth.

The Pittsburgh Pirates are suing Dave Parker, who now plays for the Cincinnati Reds. The Pirates want the courts to wipe out the $5.3 million they owe Parker in deferred payments. They maintain that Parker violated his contract by using drugs.

Parker’s drug use, say the Pirates, led to his getting fat, out of shape and injury prone, which hurt his baseball performance. Big Dave, who stands 6-5, beefed up to 270 pounds, and maybe more, when he played for the Pirates. That’s about 45 pounds over his normal playing weight.

Seen from the air above Three Rivers Stadium, Dave was often mistaken for the pitcher’s mound.

Nobody is sure what weight Parker topped off at, but one thing seems certain--he wasn’t snorting diet coke.

And reportedly he’s desperate to win this lawsuit because he needs the $5.3 million to settle his tab at the Pittsburgh Burger King.

But seriously, this is no laughing matter.

This is a lawsuit that could have a far-reaching impact on sports. It raises a lot of basic questions.

Does a ballclub have the right to a straight answer about a player’s drug habits before signing the player to a multimillion-dollar contract?

Does cocaine adversely affect athletic performance?

Does a team-sport player have an obligation, moral or legal, to keep himself in reasonable condition during the season?

Is cocaine fattening?

There have been several recent instances of the sports Establishment infringing upon the rights of athletes. Jimmy Connors was deprived of the right to stand at midcourt and pout indefinitely over a questionable line call. Mac O’Grady was denied his right to call the tour commissioner a Nazi. Jim McMahon has been stripped of the freedom to wear silly headbands.

And now the Pirates want to infringe upon the right of athletes to use drugs and get fat at the same time.

If Parker hadn’t plumped himself out like a waterlogged turnip, the Pirates would have had a much weaker case. In their suit, the Pirates maintain that Parker “failed to keep himself in good physical condition, with his weight ballooning at times to in excess of 270 pounds, as a result of which he became injury prone.”

Parker has been stung by the lawsuit.

“I’ve been through hell over and over again,” he said.

He didn’t mention the crowd of folks he’s taken with him--family, friends, fans, teammates and all the players he fingered in court during the Pittsburgh drug trials.

“They say I didn’t give my all,” Parker said. “But I played with broken jaws, bad knees, all types of injuries and illnesses. All I did was give 110% in that town, and those owners want to sue because they say I didn’t give my all. That’s absurd.”

What’s absurd is that Parker’s definition of giving his all is to lumber around the outfield and the basepaths 45 pounds overweight. Even in big league baseball, last refuge of the slob athlete, Parker stood out from the crowd.

Maybe it wasn’t the added weight or the coke tooting that caused his game to go downhill, but numbers show that Dave’s performance suffered from something.

His batting average and power statistics declined fairly steadily during the four seasons he was admittedly using drugs. His fielding heroics also tapered off. He had been one of baseball’s finest glove men.

As his weight went up, his game went down.

Parker says he thinks he knows why he’s getting so much heat over this whole drug and weight business.

“Maybe it’s because I’m black,” he said. “Maybe it’s because I’m verbal and successful. I don’t think many people thrive on those facts when they are put together.”

I’m not going to say there is no racism in sports. However, I have a hunch if Dave were a white guy who let down his fans, management and teammates by turning himself into Porky Pig, he would have been roasted anyway. Forget about the cocaine abuse; Dave’s abuse of the knife and fork made a mockery of the game.

Maybe Parker can serve as a role model. Let the kids use him as an example of what not to do if they’re serious about being a big-time athlete. Look, kids: Here’s a guy who could have been a Hall of Fame player, but when he should have been hitting 31 homers, Dave Parker was hitting 31 Flavors.