Bring Your Ego and an Attitude to Courtside for a Game of . . . : PICK-UP HOOPS

Y o! Wanna play?

For anyone who’s ever scuffed a sneaker on the asphalt of an outdoor basketball court, three words could not sound more sweet.

Shakespeare is fine in a theater and Whitman reads well in an easy chair, but on the pavement, under the sun or the lights, the invitation to show what you’ve got--for 11 points or so--is poetry.

The game is hoops.

Outdoor/playground/schoolyard pick-up hoops. It’s not some new craze. But it’s as popular today as ever. Another thing it’s not. It’s not exactly basketball. Basketball is a gussied-up relative--conjured up by some MD in a starched, high-button collar--to be played on varnished wooden floors with referees and coaches and seats. This is hoops. Ball. Where a man’s T-shirt becomes his name (“I got Hussong’s on defense”). Where fouls aren’t called but litigated. Where the only things standing between you and a long, forced retirement watching from the sideline are teammates you met five minutes earlier.

In Orange County, players can choose from courts along the ocean or in the middle of the city. Double and single rims, cloth and metal nets, good and bad players and every combination imaginable.

So whaddya say? Wanna play?

The first thing to learn about the rules of hoops is that there are none, that is none that are consistent from court to court.

Scoring tabulations vary, as do methods of getting a game and keeping it.

The only consistency is the 18-inch diameter of the rim. Dimensions and surfaces vary, as do the heights of the rims--victims of the elements and overzealous dunkers.

Key word No. 1: Adjust.

Adjust to your environment. This includes slick concrete, wind blowing off the ocean and the guy who insists on doing his Chick Hearn imitation throughout each game. A common problem for players trying to concentrate at Laguna’s Main Beach court is that the scenery, both natural and human, can be a distraction.

“You’ve got to be able to compensate for what’s going on around you,” said Ron Lutz, who has been hooping it up at Laguna Beach since 1959. “I’ve seen good players, very good players, come down to the beach and get killed by guys who weren’t as talented.”

Most courts don’t recognize goaltending as a violation--if someone can get to your shot, good for him. Newport Beach’s 38th Street court doesn’t recognize the court’s painted southside boundary lines, and play is legal until the sand. At the Bayshore Drive court in Belmont Shore (Long Beach), play automatically comes to a halt when a handball flies over the fence.

Whenever you go out to a new court, take a little time to scout the surroundings, talent and anything else different about the setting. Think of each new court as some tribal culture that has developed its own laws, legends and customs through the years.

“If you want to win outdoors, you’ve got to adjust,” Lutz said.

So get used to an elbow or two in the throat and a tug at your shorts. There are no referees here. Players are on the honor system outside. What’s that they say about honor and thieves?

“You get some pretty creative defenses when you don’t have anyone calling fouls,” Lutz said. “If the game is close, you can expect to get killed inside.”

Most court arguments stem from calling fouls. One way to avoid arguments is to never, unless it’s blatant, call an offensive foul. If you are fouled, call it right away and call it loudly so people don’t think you’re trying to get away with something. But remember where you are. Contact is expected to be more brutal; therefore, to call every touch would be ridiculous and quickly gain you a reputation as a, uh . . . well, it wouldn’t be a very nice reputation.

Be advised, though, that no matter what you do, arguments will occur. Most people would prefer to walk away from them, but veterans say sometimes you have to stand your ground.

“I would never care enough to go to blows, but the fact is you need one guy who’s willing to argue and B.S. every call if you want to win,” said Johnny Moore, a standout at Los Alamitos High School, Cypress College and Westmont College. “I’ve seen a lot of teams with better talent lose because the other team talked them out of it.”

But we get ahead of ourselves. To win, you must play. And getting on the court is often more difficult than putting up a scoop shot in traffic.

If you are a major college talent, happen to be 6-feet 6-inches tall or can dunk while maintaining a casual conversation, you should have no problem finding a team ready to snatch you up. But what about the other 98% of us?

This is where the game becomes cerebral. There are two tried-and-true methods to getting on a team. One involves being overly enthusiastic, chattering it up with every potential captain, busily rebounding and slapping hands with just about anyone. It’s sort of like running for political office.

“I used to talk to everyone I could,” said Mike Moore, Johnny’s younger brother who also starred at Los Alamitos and Westmont. His talent has since transformed him from talker to sought-after player. “I’d say, ‘Nice shot, nice shoes.’ Anything for people to notice me and to notice that I was enthusiastic.”

It can be an effective method but it drains one of pride, which translates into cool--a key ingredient in the hoopster’s makeup.

Key word No. 2: Cool.

The preferred way of getting on a team is the bank loan method.

You know what they say about banks, they’ll loan money to those who don’t need it. Approach the court the same way. Your attitude should be that you just came down to work out a few kinks before that private tryout with the Denver Nuggets.

In solo practice sessions, you’ve probably developed an outside shot location that you can hit pretty consistently. Shoot that shot. People glancing around for a game are giving everyone a quick look and probably won’t notice that you keep shooting the same shot.

When you do miss, make up for the miss with some nice ballhandling. Retrieve the ball and dribble it around your back and under your legs. These are not difficult skills to learn, and they’re not things you have to master for game-type situations. Remember, you’re just trying to impress the playground general managers.

For the truly serious among you, take some time to develop a few trick shots: Ones that require a special trajectory, hang time or strange spin on the ball. Once again, these don’t have to be refined to the point of using them in a game. They just have to look good for the scouts.

When you try out the shots and they go in, don’t act surprised, you do this in your sleep. If you do miss a one-handed, double-pump, double-scoop, reverse layup with a backhand release, act as if the gods themselves conspired to keep the ball out of the rim. How could such an elementary shot not fall?

By the way, none of this does you any good if you don’t dress the part. To dress for success outside, dress less.

“If I see some guy with an all Air-Jordan outfit that he got for Christmas, chances are he can’t play and I’m not going to pick him for my team,” said Phil Garcia, formerly of Los Amigos High School, who will play this fall at Cal State San Bernardino.

Socks are once again being worn down around the ankles, a la Pete Maravich. By the way, where color stripes were once the rage, plain white socks have made a strong comeback.

T-shirts, advertising anything from beer to basketball camps, are fine.

Orange County hoop veterans say they’ve seen the greatest fashion turnaround in shorts.

“It used to be everyone wore their gym shorts, now everyone is into Bermudas, real colorful shorts,” said Tom Finks, who has played around the county for the past 12 years.

Shoes are left up to the individual’s comfort and economic stability. But whatever you do, remember, if you’re trying to impress someone, you won’t do it with imitation.

“A guy was playing not too long ago at Belmont with a fake pair of Air-Jordans,” Moore said. “So everyone started calling him K Mart.”

K Mart is not a nickname to build a reputation on. Not outdoors, where attitude is the key. In organized basketball, where a lot of the personality is taken out of players and, therefore, the game, attitude is a bad word. But outdoors in the pick-up world, you need one to survive.