This Year, the Fridge Has a Wallet That Is Almost as Fat as He Is

You know him. You love him.

He’s the big stuffed Bear. The NFL superstar and supper star. The beauty of obese.

He’s the man who put the extra in extra-large. The man whose idea of a wishbone offense is to attack several fried chickens. The man whose jersey would fit a heifer.

Corpulent Perry of Soldier Field, reporting for duty, Sir.

Yes, fatball fans, William (The Refrigerator) Perry is back, and Chicago’s got him. He will be appearing on national television frequently this winter, so hurry, order that wide-screen TV today.

Super Bowl XXI will be held at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, and we can only assume Perry will be there, since he would not want to miss anything that takes place in a bowl.

Is the Fridge in shape for the 1986 season?

Yes. In fact, if he were in any more shape, commercial pilots flying into Chicago would mistake him for O’Hare airport.

A national TV audience got a preseason look at Perry Saturday night, and lemme tell ya, it was not a sleek preview.

The Refrigerator was in rare form. Maybe even medium-rare form. The Bears lost the game to the St. Louis Cardinals, 14-7, but not before Perry body-slammed them, threw them into the turnbuckle and pinned them.

At one point, he picked up Cardinal quarterback Neil Lomax like a supermarket shopper picks up a sack of charcoal. Perry cradled Lomax in his arms, then, not knowing what else to do with him, threw him down.

Quarterbacks have been sacked before, but this might have been the first one ever spiked.

“Referee didn’t blow no whistle,” Perry later explained, speaking Refrigerese. “Play wasn’t over yet.”

On another play, the Fridge pursued Cardinal running back Stump Mitchell, piggy-backed him from behind and flattened him like a pizza. Cops spent the next two hours searching for the body. The only thing left of Mitchell was his nickname.

Rough stuff like this turned the game into the meanest thing in the neighborhood since the 1968 Democratic Convention. There were slaps, punches, kicks, gang-beatings--everything but switchblades. Four players were ejected, and St. Louis Coach Gene Stallings at one point during the third quarter motioned his team off the field.

Bear Coach Mike Ditka said he was “sorry to see the game turn into Wrestlemania.”

The Fridge was asked if the officials let the game get out of hand.

“I believe the officials didn’t show up, really,” he said.

Defensive tackle Steve McMichael, overhearing this, called over: “Don’t talk about the officials, Fridge. They’ll fine you.”

Fridge can afford it. He made $3 million in endorsements this winter. He advertised everything but Pepto-Bismol and Lean Cuisine. He even appeared in the real--so to speak--”Wrestlemania 2,” getting thrown out of the ring. Don’t ask how.

With big money in his pockets, Fridge could afford the $6,000 he lost at this year’s training camp by not fulfilling the weight clause in his contract. The Bears asked him to report to Platteville, Wis., around 300 pounds. Fridge reported at 335, immediately becoming Wisconsin’s second-largest city.

He went to England with the Bears for their exhibition game against the Dallas Cowboys, and delighted the British by calling London “a bloody nice town” and by saying of Winston Churchill: “Now there was a big man.” The British were awed by his size. It was Stonehenge with legs.

With William Perry, one of the world’s natural wonders, one wonders what he might be up to next. At 400 pounds, for example, the Bears could line him up in a revolutionary 1-10 defense.

Or, he could go back on offense, where he made such a big splash last season, even scoring a touchdown in the Super Bowl. When Perry carries, nothing without a bumper should get in his way.

As Bear quarterback Jim McMahon said: “When you get a man that big moving, something’s gotta give, and it ain’t gonna be the Fridge.”

Bringing us to this latest development:

Perry has something new he wants to try.

Last season, at various times, The Refrigerator played defensive tackle, defensive end, linebacker, running back, wingback, blocking back, and special-team defense on kickoffs. He also caught a touchdown pass in one game and tried to throw one in the Super Bowl, getting sacked.

Now, he wants to run back a kick.

You read that right. Before the season is over, The Refrigerator wants to do a kickoff return.

Imagine that 335-pounder building up a head of steam. Imagine the Illinois Central pulling out of Kankakee. Same thing.

Fridge brought it up with special-teams coach Steve Kazor. Kazor said hmmmm. “We’ll put that on the back burner,” Kazor told him.

No one knows if the Bears will let him do it--or when.

But they have a certain game coming up, a home game, Sept. 14, the second game of the season. The game is against Philadelphia.

Philadelphia is coached by Buddy Ryan, the man who in 1985 called first-round pick Fridge Perry of Clemson a “wasted draft choice.”

Mike Ditka got along with Buddy Ryan the way Godzilla got along with Tokyo. So, Ditka might find Sept. 14 a wonderful time to try out his new kickoff return man--the Chicago fatback, William Perry.

If the Eagles tackle Perry into their own sideline, they might end up with a wasted head coach.