MONDAY VIEWPOINT : The Only Business Where You’re Better Off at 4-7 Than 7-4

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to coach football.

Your poor son would have more job security as a prison travel agent. Or managing an Eddie Bauer store on Maui.

No matter how much he knows about football, he is going to end up on Maalox or food stamps.

Anybody who wants to be a football coach has about as much interest in self-preservation as Eugene Hasenfus.

Consider what has been happening lately out there in Major College Land. The season has pretty much come to a halt, except for bowl dates and East-West-Blue-Gray-North-South Shrine games. And the coaches have begun singing their traditional holiday rendition of “Hello, I Must Be Going.”

You never know when and how the poor slob is going to get it. El axo de heado, that is. For every Bear Bryant or Bo Schembechler or Joe Paterno who comes along, there are a couple hundred coaches who are going to get fired (a) sooner; (b) later, or (c) nah, probably sooner. And they won’t be able to fight getting fired until the day they join the Teamsters.

Envy them for their fame and relatively high salaries, do you? Don’t feel sorry for them one teensy-weensy bit?

Ask yourself some questions.

How can a college fire a football coach who has gone 86-31-2 and has had one losing season since he has been on the job?

Texas did.

How can a college fire a football coach who owns a 7-4 record for the season and has his team going to a bowl game on New Year’s Day?

USC might.

Put yourself in their positions. Say you sell insurance. Say you sell a lot of it. Say you’ve had more success than failure. Now say that some crumb who signs your paycheck arbitrarily decides to toss you and your briefcase onto the street.

You would expect a little sympathy. And you would offer more sympathy to a neighbor or a relative who got canned than you would for some dumb football coach, wouldn’t you? You heartless rascal, you.

And oh, how fickle the coaching biz is. For example:

How can a college give a five-year contract to a coach after his team improved its record to 4-7 by beating another 4-7 team?

Northwestern did.

Francis Peay is going to get paid for the next five years because his Northwestern team defeated mighty, mighty Illinois on the final day of the season. That gave the Mildcats four victories, the most they’ve had since 1973.

Man, that’s coachin’.

Fred Akers was not so lucky. Akers’ coaching record of 86-31-2 at the University of Texas was inadequate as far as his bosses were concerned. So, last weekend they told poor Fred it was over.

As for Those Terrible T’s, Ted Tollner’s Trojans, a new head coach may be auditioned soon. The word around campus was that Tollner had to go 8-3 this season if he was to keep his job at USC, and the guy went right out and flopped to 7-4.

Some flop. Tollner’s Trojans lost their final game, 38-37, on the last play of the game. Even so, they have an appointment to meet Auburn at the Florida Citrus Bowl on Jan. 1.

OK, so it ain’t the Rose Bowl. Did Tollner go out and go 4-7? No, he did not. Did Tollner go out and lose, 38-0, to Notre Dame? No, he did not. Did Tollner go out and go upside the head of a student from another team, a la Marvelous Woody Hayes? No, he did not.

But will Tollner go out?

Probably.

He and Athletic Director Mike (No, I Did Not Play for the Lakers) McGee do not exactly double-date. For some reason, McGee and Tollner have never seen eye to eye. Speculation long has been that the Trojan AD would like to replace the Trojan HC.

Who would the new head coach be? The latest poop has Jimmy Johnson’s name being mentioned as a possible successor to Tollner. Yes, good old Jimmy Johnson, the guy whose No. 1-ranked University of Miami team actually has several players who have never been arrested.

Texas, too, is looking for a new head hoss, and one name that has been yelled out once or twice is (gulp) Jimmy Johnson. Good thing Francis Peay got rehired, or the name whispered around Northwestern this week probably would be (psst) Jimmy Johnson.

Sources have told The Times that Jimmy Johnson also is being considered as a candidate to replace Donald Regan in Washington.

Chances are, the friendly folks over at USC and Texas won’t be calling their favorite sports columnist to ask his advice on this coaching business of theirs. If somebody did ask who USC’s new coach should be, the recommendation would be a certain Mr. Tollner, Auburn game or no Auburn game. Doesn’t matter if they lose the Citrus Bowl or the Prune Juice Bowl or the Tidy Bowl. Seven-and-four against decent competition is no reason to be fired.

Maybe Mike McGee needs to name his own man, though. For now, he evidently intends to wait until at least Jan. 2 before making an announcement--which should do wonders for USC’s December recruiting.

OK, the ball’s in his territory. But one thing McGee ought to consider: Whomever he wants to hire, offer the guy a week-to-week contract. Yeah. Save the school some dough.