‘Tis a Season of Forgettable Bowls

THE BOWLS

Sure, the Cherry Bowl’s gone, for this year at least. But look what’s back: The Hall of Tame Bowl, which sat out the 1985 season. Just when you thought it was safe to look at the sports pages again.

What’ll be unearthed to haunt us next? The Garden State, Gotham (remember that final crowd of 6,166 fans) or Fresno Raisin Bowl? Or even the 1937 Bacardi Bowl (a 7-7 tie in Havana)?

It’s bad enough there’s now a Boredom Bowl, which used to be called the Freedom Bowl until it lost a copyright battle with the Liberty Bowl. The latter, having outbid the Fiesta Bowl to land the dream matchup of Tennessee and Minnesota, will now answer the question of every football fan, mainly whether a sixth-place team in the Southeastern Conference can defeat a third-place team in the Big Ten.

Then, there’s USC, which rallied to lose its final two games and qualify for the Citrus Bowl, formerly the lemon known as the Tangerine Bowl. And San Diego State checks in for its first postgame appearance at the Holiday Inn Bowl (check-out time one hour after final gun).

The Forgettables:

1. Liberty Bowl (Minnesota, 6-5, vs. Tennessee, 6-5)

2. Boredom Bowl (UCLA, 7-3-1, vs. Brigham Young, 8-4)

3. Hall of Tame Bowl (Georgia, 8-3, vs. Boston College, 8-3)

4. Stun* Bowl (Washington, 8-2-1, vs. Alabama, 9-3).

5. Probation Bowl (SMU** vs. Miami Vice (Fla.)***.

6. Holiday Inn Bowl (Iowa, 8-3, vs. San Diego State, 8-3)

7. Largely American Bowl (Florida State, 6-4-1, vs. Indiana, 6-5)

8. Blue-Gray Game (Anyone who shows up with a helmet).

9. Citrus Bowl (Auburn, 9-2, vs. USC, 7-4, including two straight losses)

10. (Tie) Hula Bowl (East, 0-0, vs. Western Illinois, 6-5); and Cactus Bowl (Arizona State, 9-1-1, vs. Michigan, 10-1).

*Featuring teams stunned to be invited to a bowl.

**Traditional repeat offender; SMU’s coach and athletic director resigned after latest reported violations.

***Miami’s varied attack this year features shoplifting, dormitory riots, illegally leased cars, and telephone misuse amounting to $10,000.

WHY BO’S GLAD HE ISN’T PLAYING IN THE VALLEY ON NEW YEAR’S DAY: Cal State Northridge beat Portland State by 34 this season; Portland State beat Cal Poly San Luis Obispo by 59; Cal Poly beat Cal State Sacramento by 20; Sacramento beat Pacific by 24; Pacific beat Minnesota by 4; Minnesota beat Michigan by 3. Therefore, Northridge would rate as a 144-point favorite over Michigan (though only a 140-point favorite in Ann Arbor).

THE PROS

Poor Indianapolis (1-13). Just when the Dolts finally win a game, their incredible feat goes unnoticed amid the growing controversy over the secret arm deal between Houston and the Rams--the deal that sent rookie quarterback sensation Jim Everett to the Rams.

What has the NFL buzzing is how one of the league’s worst teams could afford to ship the bazooka-like thrower to the Rams in exchange for a planeload of journeymen and, thus, practically guarantee the Rams a spot in the Super Bowl. (The No. 1 Oilers, meanwhile, have sunk so low that their troubles were reportedly one factor in the recent firing of Saudia Arabian Oil Minister Sheik Yamani.)

Houston General Manager Ladd Herzeg claims the secret Ram arm deal was made without his knowledge. The man widely regarded as a scapegoat in the affair is Oliver (Ollie) Luck, who started at quarterback for Houston Sunday and drew criticism for the team’s 0-27 whomping by San Diego.

Also overlooked in all the excitement was the announcement by Tampa Bay (2-12) that, effective at the end of this season, it is dropping its football program.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Houston (3-11) 0-27, San Diego Minnesota 2. Dallas (7-7) 10-29, L.A. Rams Philadelphia 3. Bay (Tampa) (2-12) 14-48, Chicago Bay (Green) 4. Bay (Green) (3-11) 6-32,Minnesota Bay (Tampa) 5. N.J. Jets (10-4) 10-24, San Fr’isco Pitt

6. Buffalo (4-10); 7. (Tie) Indianapolis (1-13) and Lost Raiders (8-6); 9. Miami (7-7); 10. Denvelway (10-4).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Pittsburgh (5-9) at N.J. Jets (10-4) (Battle of Bays ineligible due to no-crummy-repeat rule for teams meeting more than once in a season.)

QUOTEBOOK: Lost Raiders’ Howie Long, blaming the 0-37 drubbing in Seattle on the Seahawks’ Astroturf playing surface: “I’d like to body slam the guy who invented it.” (Just whimper, baby.)