From Interpreters to Tour de Fridge, It’s All Just a Joke, OK?

Stupid sportswriter tricks:

--Pete Rose and Sparky Anderson will be giving plenty of press conferences during spring training, and interpreters will be provided.

--Rose was planning to take his team to arbitration, but he couldn’t find it on the map.

--I am currently preparing for the Los Angeles Marathon, eating a lot of spaghetti for the carbohydrates. I am not actually going to run the marathon. I just like spaghetti.

--Speaking of which, they just opened a new restaurant, Tommy Lasorda’s Pasta and Ribs. I suppose it would have been unreasonable to expect Tommy Lasorda’s Yogurt and Sprouts.

--There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Oral Roberts has told the basketball players from his university that if they fail to win the national championship, God has told him he will die.

--Craig Stadler has developed such a mental block about a certain piece of fabric that now, when he steps out of a shower in the men’s locker room after a round of golf, he drips dry.

--Since that ticker-tape parade, the America’s Cup has become so popular in New York City, they now have off-ocean betting parlors.

--From now on, Julius Erving is to be referred to as Doctor Emeritus J.

--An angry Bill Buckner has produced conclusive evidence that he actually caught that ball.

--The Detroit Pistons, who recently drew 55,000 people to a home game, are moving next season to a new arena. I understand the University of Michigan football team also is planning a move next season, to a beautiful new stadium that seats 20,000.

--A Michigan booster, by the way, has denied offering his chauffeur’s quarters to high school basketball star Sean Higgins, on the grounds that no one in the state of Michigan ever permits anyone else to drive his car.

--Darryl Dawkins and Bill Walton have signed new contracts promising to appear in another NBA game by the year 1994.

--The good news is, most of Jerry Tarkanian’s basketball players at Nevada Las Vegas will finish their four years there with high school diplomas.

--Although the Yankees once did it, the Mets are never going to call the middle of their batting order “Murderer’s Row,” because so far, that is the only crime police haven’t charged them with.

--Sylvester Stallone just started filming his next movie, “Over the Slop.” He plays a mud wrestler.

--Which reminds me: Be sure to be at Caesars Palace next month, when Sugar Ray Robinson meets Jake LaMotta in the first bout of Don King’s Professional Boxing Assn. Seniors tour.

--At halftime of next year’s NBA All-Star Game, the L.A. Clippers are expected to dominate the missed-dunk competition.

--Does the NBA have any provision for Michael Jordan going through the hoop with the ball?

--Faye Dunaway has just been signed for the movie version of John Feinstein’s book about the Indiana basketball coach, “Bobby Dearest.”

--I finally figured out that Brian Bosworth is the illegitimate son of Max Headroom.

--The new Jan Stephenson calendar just arrived. I’ve seen 3-woods with more covers on.

--Barcelona is already getting ready for the 1992 Olympics. Just the other day, a guy was sent over to the bullring with a shovel.

--I was relieved to hear that Southern Methodist University escaped the NCAA’s death penalty. I think the SMU football coaches will be of much better use to society making license plates.

--The new Minnesota state lottery is offering a million bucks to the first person who can name the manager of the Twins.

--I’m pretty sure it’s because Temple is Bill Cosby’s alma mater that the basketball team is rated so high.

--The word from Washington is that the Nicaraguans got Eugene Hasenfus to talk by forcing him to watch indoor soccer.

--George Foreman’s comeback fight will be any day now, as soon as they find a large enough pair of trunks.

--I think it’s incredible how well Mike Tyson has done in his new chosen career after all those years he wasted in the St. Louis Cardinal infield.

--Yes, Eric Davis of the Cincinnati Reds probably is the best player in baseball, and I hope to be there a couple of years from now when he gets that career milestone 500th hit.

--In angry response to Joan Kroc’s having banned beer from the San Diego Padre clubhouse, August Busch has banned nuggets of chicken from the St. Louis clubhouse.

--Well, I’ve just finished reading former San Diego Charger owner Gene Klein’s book and I . . . wait a second . . . there’s something wrong here . . . my heart . . . my heart feels funny . . . oh . . . oh, my . . . quick, call a doctor . . . call an ambulance . . . call my accountant . . .

--The real reason Tim Raines wants out of Montreal is that he still can’t speak Canadian.

--OK, maybe he is a little overweight, but I still think it’s a little mean of Chicago to have scheduled a Tour de Fridge bicycle race.