All the Problems of Sports World Can Be Blamed on Donald ‘Duck’

Inquiring minds want to know ...

Why does everyone pick on Benoit Benjamin? The NBA season is six months long, and now the Clippers expect Ben to work out in the off-season, too. Don’t you agree that it’s like Benjamin said, “My off-season is to kick back and relax, and do whatever I want.”?

In other words, just like his regular season. Hey, the young man scored 11.1 points a game and skied for 6.5 rebounds this season. Fat Lever, the 6-3 Denver Nuggets point guard, outrebounded Ben by a mile. Fats Domino outplayed him. Minnesota Fats outhustled him. Benjamin said: “Overall, I’m happy with the way I played.” What? The piano?

Is it just a coincidence that all these civil rights groups and black community leaders happened to be clamoring for equal opportunity in baseball just after Al Campanis made his infamous remarks?

It has to be a coincidence. Surely you don’t think it would take a few rambling, silly remarks by a 70-year-old man on a late-night TV show to bring civil rights leaders to the realization that baseball has a glaring equal opportunity problem at the management level. I’m sure Jesse Jackson and the NAACP were ready to spring into action even before Campanis went on “Nightline.” Which decade they planned to make their move, I’m not sure.

On an L.A. radio talk show one recent evening, one caller, referring to the Campanis furor, said, “The Seattle Mariners are for sale. If these people want a black manager, why don’t they get together and buy the Mariners and hire all their own people?” The talk-show host seemed to agree this was a solution worth exploring. Do you think this idea has merit?

Why, I think it’s a sensational idea. And if the Mariners are successful, blacks could buy and run other teams, and sign only black players, and eventually they could break off and form their own entire league. They could call it the Negro League. This idea could really catch on. Eventually, black folks could have their own drinking fountains and restaurant seating sections and schools. Talk about equal opportunity!

How is the season-long sendoff for Julius Erving going?

Smashingly. Philadelphia held a parade for Dr. J the other day. After the parade, roving bands of youths rampaged through a shopping mall, looting several stores. Apparently a lot of the kids suddenly realized they had showed up at Dr. J’s parade without a gift, and you know how doggone considerate and thoughtful youngsters can be.

Personally, I can’t think of a nicer way to say goodby to a man who has exemplified class and dignity than by looting a mall.

What will change now that the Clippers have fired Don Chaney?

His nickname will change, from Duck to Scapegoat. Seriously, the Clippers should be a lot better off now that they got rid of the guy who evidently was responsible for bad trades, bad drafts, bad luck, bad legal judgment, attendance padding, parking-lot overcharging and Benoit Benjamin’s eating habits.

What’s the latest on Marques Johnson?

The Clipper forward delayed his neck surgery one month because he wants to arbitrate his contract dispute with the Clippers before he has the surgery, and he can’t do the arbitration now because his lawyer is out of the country.

So Marques’ lawyer’s vacation will set Marques and the Clippers back one month next season, assuming the neck surgery will require more than a couple of hours’ recovery time. Let’s just blame the whole thing on Don Chaney and be done with it.

Is Dodger management the leader in the “trend” among big league ballclubs to hold the line on free agency and escalating salaries?

I don’t know, but I heard a rumor that the team owners refer to themselves, collectively, as the Big Blue Collusion Crew.

What the heck is JumboTron?

It’s either a new horror movie about a giant, prehistoric bull elephant that thaws out and stomps downtown Tokyo, or it’s the name of the new TV screen message board at Candlestick Park. I think it’s the message board, although the movie idea has possibilities.

Every stadium has to have a message board, you know, because fans can’t enjoy themselves unless they can watch on a TV screen what’s going on live right in front of them on the field. Also, the screen allows fans to enjoy commercials, stupid cartoons and between-inning roving-camera shots of small kids smearing ice cream on their faces.

The reason a lot of fans go to games at Candlestick is so they can sit and watch 50-foot-high flashing images of Orel Hershiser. By the way, if you want to order one for your living room, the JumboTron is manufactured on Darryl Dawkins’ home planet, Lovetron.