You Just Can’t Dictate Power Any Better Than Mr. Steinbrenner Does

George Steinbrenner turns to his secretary and says, “Take a letter.”

“Oh, no. Not again,” she says.

“Yes, again. I have to issue another public statement immediately.”

“Can’t you just call a reporter on the phone?”

“No. I must issue another proclamation, immediately! Take a letter!”

“OK, I’ll take ‘F.’ ”

“And knock off the jokes. This is serious.”

“Yes, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“This one will be my public statement explaining my previous public statement.”

“Yes, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“OK, take this down. ‘Dear People of New York:’ How’s that for a start?”

“How about: ‘Dear Yankee Fans of America?’ ”

“Splendid. ‘Dear Yankee Fans of America: I would like to expound on and expand on some of the nuances of my last public statement regarding the rumors of my reported, alleged, supposed disagreement with Manager Lou Piniella.’ Yeah, that’s a good first paragraph. I’m really comfortable with that word ‘nuance.’ ”

“Yes, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“Paragraph 2!”

“Oooh. You sounded just like Paul Harvey there.”

“Thank you. Paragraph 2: ‘Let me first say that I am not unhappy with Mr. Piniella, even though in my previous statement I certainly did sound unhappy with him even while I was denying that I was unhappy with him.’ How’s that grab you?”

“Fine, Mr. Steinbrenner. But I do have to alert you that you have gone two whole paragraphs now without once mentioning the word ‘boss.’ ”

“Oh, no! We can’t have that! Good catch! OK, take Paragraph 2 and make it Paragraph 3. Now I’ll give you a new Paragraph 2. ‘I am issuing this new public statement to clarify why my manager failed to return the call of his boss after an appointment had been made for him to talk to his boss and whenever a person is supposed to talk with his boss he should definitely keep that appointment or else explain to his boss why he has to break that appointment.’ Good enough?”

“Good enough, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“OK, let’s keep going. I’m on a roll. Paragraph 4: ‘I am eager to clear up this matter once and for all, because you low-life reporters always complicate matters by printing everything I say, word for word, thereby distorting the big picture. Like when I issued my public statement after the 1981 World Series, apologizing for the play of the Yankees. You made that sound like I was criticizing my players. I wasn’t. I was criticizing the play of my players.’ You with me so far?”

“Certainly, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“Swell. Paragraph 5: ‘Recently I explained that Mr. Piniella wanted to bring up catcher Joel Skinner to the majors and demote catcher Mark Salas to the minors, because Mr. Piniella thought Salas was playing like a bum. This evidently came across as a knock on Mark Salas, which I certainly did not intend, although the guy couldn’t throw you out stealing if you ran like Harmon Killebrew, and it also evidently came across as a knock on Mr. Piniella, whose description of Salas as a bum probably should have been kept private, just like his description of Don Mattingly as a hick and Dave Winfield as a geek and Tommy John as a senile old coot.’ ”

“My, that’s a long paragraph, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“OK, put some punctuation in it. Make it look shorter. Let’s keep going: Paragraph 6: ‘Furthermore, although Mr. Piniella did insinuate to me privately that Rickey Henderson was ‘jaking it,’ this remark apparently was misinterpreted as a criticism of Henderson’s attitude. Let me assure you that where Mr. Piniella comes from, ‘jaking it’ is a local expression that means, uh, ‘trying real hard, hustling every day, giving 101%.’ Henderson jakes it every single day. He’s a great jaker. Pete Rose jaked it. Jackie Robinson jaked it. I just wish we had more jakers out there.’ There. I hope they swallow that.”

‘ “There. I hope they swallow that.’ ”

“Don’t put that part in the letter!”

“Oooh. Sorry, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“Last paragraph: ‘In conclusion, I can only say that as Mr. Piniella’s current boss, and I use the word ‘current’ in the best possible sense, I wish to emphasize that the New York Yankee organization is a family, a real family, and like so many families, we occasionally have horrible domestic disturbances. In the end, I truly believe that the Yankees will win the division, which they should, since I pay them so well, although you’d never know it by the way they’ve been playing, which is like a bunch of bums, which is why I am forced to announce that I am replacing Lou Piniella as manager, effective immediately.’ ”

“Mr. Steinbrenner! When did you decide on that?”

“Around Paragraph 4.”

“You sure do give good dictation, Mr. Steinbrenner.”

“That’s what dictators do, honey. That’s what dictators do.”