The Ratings Game : If You’re Thinking These Aren’t the Toughest 18 Holes Around . . .

This was not par for the course.

When word got out that two reporters had been assigned to find the 18 toughest golf holes in the Valley area and play them, never before had such a fallout of envy rained upon mortal souls. Even in the sports journalism sphere, carrying a set of Pings to work was considered a sign of indolence. Clearly, everyone was jealous.

The painful truth, though, is that hunting down and playing the Toughest 18 brought on a malediction of golfdom’s gods. A cruel form of torture. Worse even than spending a week interviewing Craig Stadler.

Want to suffer a little? Try driving to Wood Ranch, playing Nos. 1, 5, 10, 12, 13 and 16, then heading over to El Caballero to tackle 2 and 17 before finishing the day at Valencia’s No. 12. If that sounds fun, for an encore you might consider hammering a few small nails through your lower lip.

Besides trudging from Oakmont Country Club to Saticoy Country Club, the week’s hard labor included surviving 95-degree heat, dodging rattlesnakes, being laughed at by Terry Lange, head pro at El Caballero, and losing two dozen golf balls, any future desire to play the game and two heretofore normal minds.

We not only sang the blues, we played them.

In the spirit of sharing the frustration and promoting the sense of masochism that golfers inexplicably seem to embrace, herewith is a by-the-sweat-of-the-brow list of the most difficult (read: miserable) holes, ranked in reverse order of difficulty from 18th to first, from Glendale to Camarillo.

18) No. 8 at Oakmont. When the LPGA came to Oakmont in each of the past three years to play the GNA tournament, this hole was as popular with the lady professionals as varicose veins. The reason was simple, according to Rich Wagner, the course’s superintendent. “They couldn’t play it,” he said. “It caused them nightmares.”

They could see a bad half-moon rising. Ask, for instance, Becky Larson, who took a 10 on the crescent-shaped hole during the 1986 GNA. No. 8 is a 423-yard par-4 that curls to the right, crossing twice over what the members call a barranca--which is a euphemism for a flood-control ditch. The Verdugo Channel, which is about 25 feet deep and 40 feet across, cuts in front of the tee and the green. The amphitheater-like green is guarded by four bunkers with trees in back.

17) No. 18 at North Ranch. This is a finishing hole that isn’t quite finished. The most bothersome feature of the 438-yard par-4 is the racket created by heavy-construction vehicles rumbling along the right side of the fairway, where land is being prepped for a row of new houses.

The hole has the ambiance of Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.

Otherwise, it is relatively no-nonsense. Trees line the left side of the straight fairway which is also narrow, but opens up slightly on the right. Nevertheless, if a drive slices, forget it. It’s earth-mover city. There is water on the right of the green, which is further protected by three bunkers to the left and behind.

16) No. 9 at Valencia. At 569 yards, this par-5 is the longest of the Toughest 18. It mirrors the topography of Nevada--a sort of basin-and-range hole with two deep valleys in the fairway and two hills, including one around the landing area from the tee and another approximately 170 yards from the green. Mixed in are fairway bunkers with eroded cliffs around the edges. A sloping green sits upon a third plateau. Ever play golf in Bryce Canyon?

15) No. 13 at Wood Ranch. The two-year-old course in Simi Valley has more holes (six) on the most difficult list than any other club. In its brochure, Wood Ranch claims to be “the supreme challenge for the accomplished golfer, a fair test for the casual player.” Or, is it the other way around?

Said pro Jim King, during the GTE Senior PGA tournament in March: “The course is too severe for the conditions that prevail here--namely the wind. It’s a beautiful place, but it’s unfair.” Breezes blow across the course alternately from the ocean and the desert, usually around 20 m.p.h., and at times seem to swirl simultaneously.

Throw the wind into the works at the 173-yard, par-3 13th and you decide whether you’re looking down the barrel at a “fair test” or a “supreme challenge.” Perhaps you’d call it something more colorful. The green is surrounded by water with a bunker in front and behind. The shot off the tee must be accurate.

14) No. 14 at Saticoy. A dogleg to the left, this 552-yard par-5 runs along a canyon on the left. From an elevated tee, the golfer must hit to the right of the fairway--but there is trouble a little farther along that side in the form of trees and a bunker. From the second shot on, it’s uphill all the way to the green, with trees and hazards on both sides. Unless you can hit a 340-yard drive, cutting the corner over the canyon is the most expedient way home. Once there, though, the putting surface provides a steep slope from back to front. It’s fast. If the shot into the green flies long and lands above the pin, go fishing.

13) No. 12 at Oakmont. This was the only hole at Oakmont that the women of the LPGA hated more than No. 8 (the 18th toughest hole on this list). More women pros bogeyed No. 12 than parred it. The 432-yard par-4 requires a straight drive and the more length off the tee, the better. The landing area, which slopes toward the tee, deadens the ball quickly. The piano-shaped green is elevated and tucked to the left with a bunker the size of Czechoslovakia on one side and a bunch of trees on the other.

12) No. 10 at Wood Ranch. Even though this par-4 isn’t particularly long (396 yards), it has water along the left from tee to green and an assortment of potential headaches on the right, including scattered trees, a large fairway bunker and rough that requires a banana knife to find a wayward ball. Even a seemingly well-placed drive might end up in the thick grass, depending on how the fairway is cut. The green, sloping and on a hill, is off to the left and is flanked by a pond and a bunker on one side and a creek on the other.

11) No. 8 at Valencia. The two most annoying characteristics of this hole are 1) it’s extremely boring and 2) it’s too long. Otherwise it’s manageable. No. 8 is a 470-yard par-4 with a straight fairway that has twin bunkers on the left and one on the right. Consider this: If your drive travels 270 yards, you’re still 200 yards out. Eucalyptus and pine trees line the path to the green. The putting surface includes lots of real estate, but is surrounded by bunkers. This is the No. 1 handicap hole on a course many club professionals say is one of the most challenging in the Valley area.

10) No. 14 at North Ranch. The outback and civilization meet on the 424-yard par-4, divided only by the fairway. A row of houses borders the right and a gully with thick oak trees lines the left. The fairway opens a little on the right, but unless you want to land in somebody’s backyard Jacuzzi, a drive can’t drift too far that way. The deep but narrow green is bordered by bunkers on both sides.

9) No. 12 at Wood Ranch. A par-4 that doglegs gently to the left, this hole has a body of water between the tee and green that is larger than the fairway. A bunker and troublesome rough crop up to the right. The 393-yard hole wouldn’t be cause for weeping if it weren’t for the eye-blurring wind that blows straight up the fairway into the golfer’s face. The green is typical of Wood Ranch--fast and hilly.

8) No. 1 at Wood Ranch. “A hole that makes you feel sick” were the words Stan Wood used to describe the dogleg right. The former USC golf coach’s assessment of the par-4 opening hole is as accurate as a shot must be off the elevated tee. Below is a landing area with bunkers and thick grass on both sides. A creek, complete with reeds and cattails, runs in front of the green, which is 399 yards from the tee. The wind, normally blowing from green to tee, adds to the mayhem that abruptly introduces the golfer to, as one member put it, “the designer’s rotten sense of humor.”

7) No. 1 at Valencia. Some say the 469-yard par-4 is the most difficult of the Valley area’s opening holes. When the course played host to the PGA Tour qualifying in October, only 10 of 120 players made the green in two. “That’s because you’re forced to hit a 3-wood into a green that looks like you need a wedge to drop it in there,” said Greg McHatton, head pro at Valencia. The green, which is hard and fast with moguls, is surrounded by traps and trees.

6) No. 17 at Saticoy. This 461-yard par-4 is the prettiest of the Toughest 18, but one of the ugliest to play. The tee, which is carved into a mountainside, overlooks Camarillo. The fairway is hundreds of feet below with a swale to the left and a bunker, bushes and pine trees to the right. The green is located to the left from the landing area and the second shot normally flies straight into the wind.

5) No. 2 at El Caballero. Par-4, 434 yards. The shot from the tee must dissect a forested mountain on the left and trees and OB on the right. The unsettling problem is this: the fairway breaks off sharply to the left just beyond the mountain and the right side of the landing area breaks in the same direction. The hole requires a drive that draws around the right of the hill because the fairway slants in that direction, causing a moderately straight tee shot to end up in fat grass at best and OB at worst. Trees line the fairway into the green, which is guarded by bunkers on both sides and trees to the left.

4) No. 16 at Wood Ranch. A 412-yard par-4 that has a vertical drop nearly as deep as the hole is long. The tee is located atop a hill with the fairway down and to the left. The trouble is what’s down there with it--trees and a bunker to the left and a creek and bushes to the right. The drive must be to the left because the wind pushes it right. If the ball follows the wind, it’ll be gone with the wind. From there, bushes could block the shot to the green. Pot bunkers surround the rolling green, which is difficult to putt because--does this sound familiar?--it is fast and slopes in varying directions.

3) No. 17 at El Caballero. A narrow fairway makes this 458-yard par-4 a pain. There’s no other printable word for it. If a drive goes left, it will land on a neighboring street. The fairway will forgive a fade to an extent, but getting to the green from the right gets complicated. Trees come into play and the green slants left, rocketing any shot from the right toward a swimming-pool water hazard on the other edge of the putting surface. Pack a raft.

When asked whether such a monstrosity belonged at a country club or in a prison camp, Lange, El Caballero’s pro, said, “It’s a nice hole. Sure, it’s taken its toll in years when we’ve had qualifying for the L.A. Open and the U.S. Open. But, uh, I think it’s fair. In a sense.” Which is to say, if a golfer is dumb enough to try it, it’s his own fault.

2) No. 5 at Wood Ranch. Jim Cochran, a senior tour pro, summed up this par-4 when he said, “This hole is unbelievable. The green is unbelievable. They ought to bomb that thing.”

At the least. If you can play the No. 1 handicap hole on the toughest course in the Valley area, you can play anywhere. From an elevated tee, you drive into a valley. On the second shot, you hit back out to the green, which is 398 yards from the tee. Fairway bunkers are diabolically placed to capture any ball hit off course. If you’re not within the confines of the fairway, you’ll lose strokes and probably your ball. Sticky, fat grass is everywhere. A creek crosses in front of the built-up green, which is surrounded by eight bunkers.

As Cochran said, reaching the putting surface guarantees nothing--except exasperation. A huge dip in the left center of the green makes putting a guessing game. You might as well be putting through a windmill, over a tank of sharks and into a clown’s nose.

1) No. 12 at Valencia. This 227-yard par-3 has a swampish lake on the right that is murky-black in color and full of bass, carp and Titleists. Exactly what else might lurk out there, nobody knows. But it’s spooky. The lagoon runs the length of a scant fairway and is hard against the green in front and to the right. On the left are trees, two bunkers and no area for an open shot to the green.

Your options, realistically, are limited: Get the ball to the green with whatever club it takes to pop it 230 yards--and it better be straight--or ruin your 18-hole score. It’s that simple. The tee shot here is the most important shot of the day. Nonetheless, no matter how many shots it takes to find the green, the putting surface itself can mess you up, too. It is fast, uneven and hard to read.

“Much of the green isn’t playable,” said McHatton. The same is true for most of the hole. Whether this is really the most difficult of the Toughest 18 is a tossup, but if the feeling you get in your gut before teeing off is a trustworthy barometer, it’s a cruel choice.