And Before You Know It, You’re Shoveled Under

You can tell right away Bernie Kosar will never be a big league pro quarterback. He doesn’t throw the ball, he just lets go of it like a guy losing a bar of soap in the shower. It looks more like a complicated fumble than a pass.

He doesn’t have this picture-book arm-cock like a John Unitas or John Brodie or even John Elway. He just sort of jerks his elbow and the ball slithers away.

The ball just floats out there for all the world like a high changeup away. Where an Elway throws a ball that could take your helmet--or your ear--off, Kosar’s you could catch in your teeth.

It’s not that it’s not catchable. It’s highly catchable. Too catchable. Any one of eight guys seem to be in a position to catch it. I’ve seen bridal bouquets thrown with more velocity.

But now comes the funny part: only 8 of 353 of those soap bubbles have been caught by the guys wearing the wrong uniform this year. And 220 of them have been caught by teammates. And that includes 21 for touchdowns.

The first look you get at Kosar’s delivery you think it’s a gag. The Cleveland Browns are playing it for laughs. That’s Woody Allen or Steve Martin out there. It’s a lounge act.

Bernie Kosar isn’t a quarterback’s name, anyway. It’s a brother-in-law’s name. Bernie Kosar should be his agent. Quarterbacks are named “Joe” or “Y.A.” Or “Dutch.”

And they don’t throw the ball side-arm. Side-armers are relief pitchers, not first-string quarterbacks.

So, how come this guy is fast becoming the most dangerous quarterback in the National Football League? How can a guy who throws like a sissy be terrorizing cornerbacks from one end of the league to the other?

Who is Bernie Kosar and why is he doing these terrible things to the L.A. Raiders and the Cincinnati Bengals? Good Lord! Are we going to get this arm in the Super Bowl? Are we going to get a whole generation of kids shooting from the hip, firing the ball underhanded on the playgrounds and in the schoolyards?

Well, you begin to get a fix on Bernie Kosar when you start with the fact that when Bernie Kosar and Vinny Testaverde, the 1986 Heisman Trophy winner, were on the same squad at the University of Miami, Testaverde was backup.

The NFL had a special supplemental draft just to draft Bernie Kosar, to give you an idea. Here is how it happened: Kosar completed his academic schedule at Miami in three years, and he still had two years of college eligibility left.

This confounded the legal departments of the NFL because this particular problem almost never arises in the great pro game. Far more common is for a guy not to complete his academic schedule in five years. There isn’t a graduate in a carload of draftees, normally.

But, the rule reads that a player is eligible when his class--or he--graduates.

So, Cleveland unloaded a truck full of draft choices to Buffalo for the Kosar lottery.

What did Cleveland see in Bernie Kosar? He was a guy who was what baseball called a “submariner,” a junk pitcher. He moved just faster than a statue of Beethoven. You recognized him by the birds on his shoulders.

Well, he is tall--6 feet 5 inches. And coaches like tall quarterbacks, even ones who throw funny. And, he had thrown for almost 6,000 yards and 40 touchdowns in only two seasons in college. No matter how he did it, his specialty was delivery.

He’s a young man (only 24) of steady habits. His idea of a celebration is to go to two Masses after a big win, which he has done. He wanted to go to Cleveland (probably because it was right close to Elyria and Sandusky).

You’re supposed to throw a forward pass by sweeping your arm behind your right ear, balancing yourself carefully with weight back on your right leg and you release the ball with a driving overhand motion like Koufax unleashing a fastball.

The ball is supposed to whistle out there low and hard like a bullet or to soar high and far like something shot from a railroad gun. Kosar’s are more like sliders. They drop in there soft like faded 9-irons to wet greens.

But there have been awkward deliverers before in the Super Bowl. Joe Kapp of the Minnesota Vikings used to wobble a pass out there that looked in motion like a shot duck. But it came down to the guys with the horns on their helmets.

Bernie Kosar has landed 715 passes in the arms of Cleveland receivers so far for 50 touchdowns. He riddled the Class A defense of the Raiders Sunday for 294 yards and 2 touchdowns. And a 24-17 win.

In the locker room later, a wise guy was ready with a question. “Did it ever occur to you to throw the ball overhand like a John Unitas or John Elway, like a real quarterback?” Kosar fixed him with a glare. “Should I?” he growled.

Not necessarily. Some years ago, the great golfer, Lloyd Mangrum, typically grinding down an opponent to defeat on the greens, listened as the fellow grumbled, “I never see you tee-to-green, you hit it out in the bushes, but I’m down to you six shots.” Mangrum smiled. “Are we playing ‘how’ or ‘how many?’ ” he inquired sweetly.

Kosar plays how many. His only problem may be finding a Catholic church open nearby San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium on Super Sunday in San Diego, Jan. 31.