1988 Is Off to a Spinning Start--and the Mind Reels

Stop the year, I want to get off.

Did the old globe start spinning wobbly in 1988, or is it just me?

Already this year we’ve had drug scandals, missing persons, stolen towels, cowardice in the face of the enemy and several terminal cases of dance fever.

And that’s just in college football. Are we ready for 363 more days of this?

The dancing alone has been dizzying and dazzling. Looks as if this is the year I’ll be forced to admit I’m too old to keep up with the latest moves.

In the Rose Bowl, for instance, if the players had done any more dancing they would have been required to wear corsages or tutus. Here was one meaningful cultural exchange:

Third quarter, Trojan fullback Leroy Holt grinds into the line for three yards and a first down. He leaps to his feet and breaks into a colorful dance that features finger-pointing, woofing and taunting. Imagine if Holt breaks free for, say, 15 yards. They’d have to throw a net over him.

On the next play, Michigan State defensive end Joe Bergin sacks quarterback Rodney Peete. Bergin leaps into the air and starts performing a modified twist. The Bergin Boogie?

Again, maybe I’ve reached my fuddy-duddyhood, but there is something about the sight of a 260-pound, wide-beamed, mud-caked football player impersonating Chubby Checker that makes this reporter want to cry out, “Fellas, fellas, can we play some football ?”

Early in the fourth quarter, Trojan defensive tackle Tim Ryan knocks Lorenzo White back for a three-yard loss and then takes off down the field for a victory lap. Toss this guy a tuba and you’ve got a parade.

Maybe it was the excitement of all the dancing that caused Michigan State Coach George Perles to misplace a player, the aforementioned White, in the fourth quarter.

“In the chaos after the fumble recovery, I lost him,” Perles said later.

Perles sent a kid named Blake Ezor in for White the next several plays. OK, Michigan State won the game, but in this age of beeper-pagers and electronic-tracking devices, you can’t let a coach escape blame for losing his star running back on the sidelines at the Rose Bowl. Perles could have stopped the game and had the stadium P.A. man announce, “Lorenzo White, please pick up a white courtesy phone.”

White was easier to spot after the game, when he put on his jewelry, which included a gaudy watch and a piece of finger adornment that was either a large ring or a small hub cap.

That’s another thing. Is it my imagination, or are college players increasingly materialistic?

Would Paul Hornung, say, embarrass his university by being penalized for illegally retrieving an embroidered towel?

This will not go down in the history of great Fighting Irish finishes--Heisman winner Tim Brown flagged for tackling a Texas A&M; player who snatched Tim’s “T-81” hand towel, personally embroidered for Tim by a teammate’s girlfriend. Next time Brown wears a towel, he’ll equip it with one of those anti-shoplift “inventory-control” devices they fasten onto expensive garments in department stores.

The Aggies should be relieved all Brown did was tackle the thief and take back his towel. Brown is a tough guy to mess with. The Aggies would have been in big trouble had they tried to steal Tim’s macrame jockstrap.

But how can you blame players when the coaches, the leaders, are losing touch with reality?

In the Sugar Bowl, Auburn Coach Pat (It’s My Party and I’ll Tie If I Want To) Dye ordered his team to kick a field goal to tie, instead of going for the win.

How do you celebrate a tie? Pour Gatorade on your bonfire? Take a swig of champagne but don’t swallow?

And what do you do with the Game Ball? Saw it in half and make Dye wear Auburn’s half on his head all next season?

If ever there was cause for a football team to mutiny, this was it. Some Auburn players were reportedly yelling to their kicker, Win Lyle, not to take the field. This was the perfect opportunity for the Auburn players to exhibit the character their sport allegedly builds, and overthrow the coach. Damn the torpedoes, go for that touchdown.

Still, you can’t really blame Pat (E. Cake) Dye. He blew the call, but it never should have been his. There should be a no-tie rule in college football, especially in bowl games. Would we settle for a three-games-all tie in the World Series? A Super Bowl tie? Co-winners in a U.S. Presidential election?

Why isn’t there a tie-breaking provision? Are the rules people afraid the extra play would cut into the student-athletes’ homework time?

Too bad. College football has come a long way. Now it has drugs, greed, big payoffs, scandal, bad sportsmanship and excessive violence, but the college game won’t be big-league until they do away with the ties.

Also, I’m not sure I have all my facts straight, but I really don’t think I like the new National Collegiate Athletic Assn. system where the national championship is decided on the basis of which team has the most players disqualified for flunking a drug test.

But why fight progress? This is a new year, and let’s face it bravely and with open minds. May I have this dance? Let’s twist again, like we did last quarter.