What Every Auto Sportsman Needs

Talking back to the news . . .

News: Irving Fryar, New England Patriots wide receiver, is stopped for speeding by a New Jersey State Trooper, who discovers Irving is driving with a suspended license. Trooper also spots a holster, leading to a search which turns up a handgun loaded with hollow-point bullets, a loaded shotgun and a hunting knife.

Comment: Irving gives new meaning to the phrase, “Don’t leave home without it.”

We sportsmen can relate to Fryar’s equipment. Hey, you’re driving through the New Jersey countryside, you never know when you suddenly might feel the urge to shoot and skin a deer, in season of course, or single-handedly repel a Soviet invasion.

News: Angels, Wally Joyner at contract impasse. Again. Says Joyner, “We had a meeting with (General Manager) Mike Port that started off as a shouting match and ended with them giving us their proposal, take it or leave it.”

Comment: Take it, Wally. The offer is $281,000, a good salary for a player of your caliber . . . in 1968. Besides, look what the Angels did to the last player who insisted on being paid what he was worth--they shipped Eric Dickerson to Indiana. Or was that the Rams who did that? I get those two teams confused.

News: Charles Barkley, not voted into the starting lineup for the NBA’s East team, mopes through the All-Star Game, plays a few minutes and then complains, “What a way to waste a (doggone) Sunday afternoon.”

Comment: It could have been a bigger waste, Charles. You could have been in the starting lineup in the NFL Pro Bowl.

News: Calgary Olympic Organizing Committee persuades Ben Zalmanowitz, owner of Calgary’s Banana Max Dining Lounge, to change the name of his contest from “Nude Miss Olympics” to “Miss Nude O-word Contest.”

Comment: Thus preventing a lot of confusion among news editors, Olympics officials and fans seeking tickets to Winter Olympics events.

The OOC might be a bit overprotective, though. Experts inform me it’s easy to tell the difference between the Winter Games and the Banana games, even though competitors in both spectacles wear skin-tight outfits. In the Miss Nude contest, winners are awarded see-through plastic medals. And the opening ceremonies are climaxed when Ben’s short-order cook flips a smoldering cigar butt into a trash dumpster.

News: L.A. Clippers pick up former Boston Celtic backup center Greg Kite. In his first four games as a Mugger--er, Clipper--Kite knocks down at least one opponent per game.

Comment: NBA basketball at its finest. At least the Clippers picked up some new fans, though--Frank Sinatra’s bodyguards.

News: USC signs super prep quarterback Todd Marinovich. The Trojan recruiters win Todd over by taking him to the Coliseum, piping crowd noise over the P.A. system and flashing Todd’s name on the giant message board.

Comment: What an incredible sales job!

Incidentally, the recruiters also reminded young Todd that his grandfather (who played football), aunt, uncle and mother attended USC, that his sister is currently enrolled, and that his father was a star Trojan football player and later a USC assistant coach. If Todd was sitting on the fence, that little reminder might have tipped him toward USC.

News: New Zealand objects to the choice of San Pedro Bay as the venue for the next America’s Cup competition. New Zealand officials say their boat will show up in the waters off San Diego.

Comment: So let them pick the water. We’ll just get ourselves a new skipper--Greg Kite.

News: Mike Tyson marries TV star Robin Givens. According to a report, during an argument Givens once smashed a Mercedes Benz that Mike loaned her into his Rolls-Royce. After the wedding, Robin says: “You see, women are in love with him everywhere. But now I’m Mrs. Tyson. The game’s over.”

Comment: Finally, for Mike, a worthy opponent.

News: Dominique Wilkins, upset with judging in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest, says he’ll not compete next year.

Comment: Too bad The Sporting News no longer features catchy headlines. They could have bannered this story: “Dominique the Sleek, in Unique Fit of Pique, Debunks Funky Dunk-off.”

News: In the Daytona 500, Richard Petty’s car flips six times, crashes into wall and is smashed into by another car. Petty escapes with a sore ankle and a headache.

Comment: Petty describes the moment of takeoff as the second most frightening experience a driver can have. The No. 1 most frightening is when some clown cuts you off on the freeway, you make an obscene gesture at the guy, then realize it’s Irving Fryar.

News: In Olympic figure skating, a U.S. pair is severely downgraded by an East German judge, to the benefit of a Soviet pair.

Comment: If Eastern Bloc officials can monkey around with a basketball score, imagine what creative things they can do with something subjective like figure skating. Still, I won’t condemn the East German judge until I see how he scores the routine of Nude Miss Tucson.