A Little Advice for Those Who Need It the Most

Need free psychiatric advice? The Doctor is in . . .

Dear Undecided:

What are you, crazy?

Just kidding, pal. I like to keep my patients loose and relaxed. I know you’re under a lot of pressure on this big career decision you’re facing, on which basketball team you will coach next year. Midwest U or West Coast U?

I sympathize. We all tend to waffle when faced with major choices like this, so don’t feel alone. Compared to George Steinbrenner, you’re a very stable and decisive person.

It’s an unusual situation you mention, where you turned down the new offer because it was too generous and you don’t feel worthy. I think you’ll find the people in Westville (name changed to protect patient confidentiality) willing to negotiate their offer downward. For instance, instead of painting your office they’ll probably agree to only sweep and dust.

I advise you to approach the situation rationally. Make a list of the pros and cons of each school, then tear up the lists and flip a coin. If you’re still unsure, make it two out of three. Or best of seven.

And stop feeling guilty about the unbelievable amount of turmoil you are causing at two major universities. Regardless of what you do, you have already provided the basketball fans of Westville with more excitement over the last week than they’ve had in years. Happy soul searching.

Dear Downcast Left Fielder:

This is a tough one. Your Canadian-based major league team has moved you from center field to left field. I sympathize. The world is an ugly place.

You are angry. Last Tuesday you played 18 holes of golf, then sat out your team’s game Wednesday, complaining of a pulled groin muscle. What did you shoot that day on the golf course? A high score, I’ll wager. I have a suspicion that you are letting baseball interfere with your game, letting it detract from the concentration so vital to golf.

I’ve known baseball players who became so upset over postion changes that their golf games just went to hell. It’s time to evaluate whether that million bucks or so the baseball team pays you to take that guff is worth the agony of not being allowed to play in the outfield.

Next thing you know, the manager will be trying to tell you when to swing away, when to bunt and when to take pitches. My advice is to get out of baseball now, while you’ve still got your sanity and a semi-healthy groin.

Dear Red-Eared Red Sock:

It’s tough enough managing a big league ballclub without being singled out for attack by USA Today, Sports Illustrated, the Sporting News and ESPN. They all picked your New England-based team to win the division title, prompting you to say: “A lot of people pick you to see if you get fired, to put heat on you.”

I sympathize. The media can be vicious.

Say, how was the sun in spring training? Pretty intense? Forget to wear your cap?

Has it occurred to you that even though you are a sensitive guy, given to launching verbal attacks at sportswriters with little provocation, most sportswriters and TV people aren’t smart enough to launch a conspiracy to get you fired by over-rating your team? Or if they are smart enough, they have better things to do, like play golf with Lloyd Moseby?

Find some shade, pal. Grab a lemonade and a copy of Field and Stream, which was kind enough to pick your team to finish last. Relax and try to enjoy the season, or what’s left of it before you get fired.

Dear Mopin’ Trojan:

Spring football drills dare headed the final week and you were not happy with your team’s performance.

I sympathize. I’ve had spring slumps, too.

After a workout you said: “We’re not a good team right now. Our execution is terrible.”

Check the calendar, Coach. It’s too early to panic. You’ve still got five months to round the boys into shape. To be quite frank, April is a lousy time to have your football team peaking, anyway.

I keep preaching perspective, but it does help to consider that things could be worse. You could be coaching your university’s basketball team, which peaked in the early 1970s.

Dear Happy But Misunderstood:

These are touchy times. You do a lot of good things in your career, then you make one lousy public racial slur, then another, and everyone jumps on you like you’re a bigot or something.

I sympathize. I’m sure you’re a fair-minded person. I bet some of your best acquaintences are of a different skin color than yourself. And I’m sure you would only chuckle if someone were to refer to you, light-heartedly, as a senile bigot. Sticks and stones, right? If we can’t kid ourselves, who can we kid?

Be cool, keep your mouth closed, and say hello to the other six dwarfs.