Under Light of Day, It All Seems Clear

Pounding the sports beat . . .

In the end, Larry Bird wore down like a bar of soap. Michael Jordan succumbed to the pressure of quintuple-team defenses. Barring a sharp reversal of form over the next week, is there any doubt who is the best basketball player in the world this season?

The Lakers didn’t win Sunday by outrunning the Detroit Pistons. The Lakers won by picking apart the Detroit half-court defense with a passing game that had the Detroit defenders spinning like figure skaters. If William Tell had Magic Johnson’s accuracy, William would have nailed that apple to the tree by the stem.

First, Olympic basketball Coach John Thompson bars the media from watching the team tryouts. Now it is reported that Thompson balked at the idea of letting American servicemen watch team practice sessions if the United States team works out at a military base in Seoul.

Has anyone at NBC asked Thompson if he will allow the network to televise the actual games? And if he won’t, will Thompson at least allow the media to have a courtroom sketch artist sit in the stands?

The American League umpires who characterized Billy Martin’s confrontations with umpires as “taproom behavior” obviously have never seen Billy behave in a taproom. If you run into Billy in a taproom and all he does is throw a handful of dirt at your crotch, you consider it a gesture of friendship and offer to buy the man a drink.

Larry Bird had trouble with the bright sky-lighting for day games in the Silverdome, so everyone assumed the Lakers would have trouble shooting there, too.

But everyone forgot that Bird had a bigger adjustment to make. He’s accustomed to the lighting, or lack of lighting, at Boston Garden. I won’t say that place is dimly lit, but the first time you walk into the Garden, your initial reaction is to look for a wine list or a pool table.

Garden officials tried brighter lighting once, but the rats complained.

Now that Larry Brown is jumping to the San Antonio Spurs, are the UCLA Bruins glad they didn’t hire him after all? It would have been the shortest era in school history. His era would have been shorter than the average grunion run.

At least Larry has followed his heart.

“I just like to coach,” Brown said. “And the purest form of coaching is the NBA.”

Those words should be chiseled in Jell-O.

No wonder Willie Mays got steamed at that recent bookstore autograph session and started charging $10 for signing objects other than his new book. Seems that some kids were asking Willie to autograph their ball gloves and baseballs. Whatsamatter with kids today?

Incidentally, one rumor is that Mays is changing his nickname from the Say Hey Kid to the Make Hay Kid.

A few more Larry Brown questions:

If Larry is worth $3.5 million for five years, what is Pat Riley worth?

Where were the Clippers when Larry was out there looking for an NBA job? Wouldn’t it have been nice to team Brown with another former Jayhawk, Danny Manning? Or did the Clippers think of this, too, and merely get outbid by the Spurs?

First the Lakers lose David Robinson to San Antonio, then the Clippers lose Brown to San Antonio. What next? Michael Jackson sells his Encino mansion, buys the Alamo as a fixer-upper?

News item: Twenty Blue Jays in barroom brawl in Saint John, Canada, after pitcher Todd Stottlemyre tries to approach a female customer.

Reaction: They must have some tough female customers in Saint John. Sounds like the perfect spot for Billy Martin’s next Outward Bound expedition.

Never mess wid a Brooklyn kid:

NBC called upon Mr. Blackwell, renowned fashion critic, to rate the best-dressed NBA coaches for a halftime feature Sunday. Blackwell picked Pat Riley as the top fop of the hardwood hop. As worst-dressed, Mr. Blackwell tabbed Utah’s full-figured Frank Layden, saying, “Too many yards of flesh trying to fit into too few inches of material.”

Mr. Layden, a CBS halftime analyst and former Brooklyn street kid, came on camera and shot back: “Who was that twinkletoes? How’d you like to be fitted for a pair of Bermuda shorts by that guy?”

The Dodgers not only were swept by the San Diego Padres over the weekend, but also flunked an IQ test. First, Kirk Gibson gives a stirring motivational speech--to the Padres.

Then the Dodgers engage in the most mindless baserunning since the last time a dog got loose on a ballfield.

What Gibson said Saturday night, in part, was: “We should be beating the . . . out of those guys. We’re a better ballclub.”

The Padres just don’t know how to take a compliment.

Guess Larry Brown’s First Words in San Antonio Contest.

Will he say:

A. “Golly, I really miss campus life and high school recruiting.”

B. “Leaving Kansas was the worst mistake of my life.”

C. “Leaving UCLA again to go back to Kansas was the worst mistake of my life.”

D. “Hey, nobody told me this place is in Texas .”

In the waning minutes of Sunday’s Laker-Piston telecast, there seemed to be thousands of empty courtside seats in the Silverdome. Must have been all the L.A. movie stars leaving early to beat the traffic.