Big Ten, With a 7-15 Record, Gets a New Name: the Bottom Ten

The Colleges Wisconsin’s recent thrashing by Western Michigan has prompted the Mid-American Conference to try to get out of its bowl contract with the lowly Big Ten. “We’re tired of beating those stiffs year after year,” one big MAC official said, noting that the Badgers have also been drubbed by Northern Illinois. “We want a tougher conference, like the Mid-Atlantic.”

The Big Ten, in fact, is 7-15 overall, explaining its merger with the Bottom Ten. Even Michigan appears headed for a winless season following a 30-31 loss to one of the Miamis. Afterward, Wolverine Coach Bo Schembechler gallantly heaped all the blame on his players. Meanwhile, Michigan State, giving its imitation of the U.S. Olympic boxing team, was kayoed by Notre Dame, 20-3.

In other inaction, Texas A$M’s wacky weathercaster Jackie Sherrill claimed that Alabama refused to fly in for last Saturday’s game because its quarterback was injured, not because it feared Hurricane Gilbert. A regular Fritz Coleman.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1.(Tie)Mich. (0-2) 30-31, Miami Wake Forest 1. Mich. St. (0-2) 3-20, Notre Dame Florida State 1. Wisc. (0-2) 17-19, N. Illinois Miami (Fla.) 1. N’west. (0-2) 27-62, Air Force Army 1. Ohio St. (1-1) 10-42, Pitt* LSU 1. Iowa (1-2) 21-24, Colorado Iowa State 1. Illinois (1-2) def.Utah, 35-24 Idle 1. Minn. (1-1) def. Miami(O.),35-3 N. Ill. 1. Purdue (1-1) def.OhioU.,33-10 Notre Dame 1. Indiana (2-0) def. Ken., 36-15 Missouri

11. Clemson Coach Danny Ford’s complaining (he called one official an “idiot”); 12. Texas A$M (0-2); 13. Tennessee (0-3); 14. Nebraska (2-1); 15. The Miamis (Fla., O.) (2-3); 16. Pentagon (excluding Navy, Air Force) (1-1); 17. Texas (1-1); 18. Hastings (Iowa) (fumbled extra-point attempt, which the Colorado School of Mines ran back 87 yards to score the first 2-point conversion by a defensive team in history); 19. Idle; 20. St. Peter’s College (N.J.) (0-forever) (canceled season when only 34 bodies came out for the Pearly Gates team).

*University of Pittsburgh; not the Pittsburgh Steelers.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Wake Forest (2-0) over Michigan (0-2).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Clemson’s Gripers (2-1) at Georgia Tech (1-1).

HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL: Southmoreland High (Pa.) Coach Bobby Thompson, leading 10-6 and facing a fourth down on the 50-yard line with 4 seconds to play, watched in horror as his punter faded back and held up the ball for grabs after the final gun had sounded. A Greensburg Salem High lineman, aware that the game isn’t over until the final play is completed, grabbed it and ran 50 yards for the winning touchdown over Southmoreland.

The Pros Short of announcers because of the Olympics, NBC called on Geraldo Rivera and Oprah Winfrey to broadcast the Denver-Kansas City fiasco, which they subtitled: “Fans Addicted to Losing Teams.”

And NFL sleuths were checking out rumors that Geraldo/Oprah had been duped by a squad posing as Denver. Was that scatter-armed quarterback (2 interceptions) really John Elway? Was that slow-footed runner (35 yards in 10 carries) Tony Dorsett? Tune in to the next show.

Right behind Denvelway in the Bottom Ten are those lovable, fumbling Indianapolis Dickersons, who managed to lose to Cleveland despite the fact that the injury-riddled Browns started Mike Paegel at quarterback with recently signed George Blanda and Zeke Bratkowski on the bench.

Meanwhile, Houston Coach Jerry Glanville, who had left tickets at the box office for Elvis Presley and James Dean in previous games, left passes for the Oilers’ defensive players Sunday. They didn’t show up either, as Houston fell 3-45 to the New York Jets.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Denver (1-2) 13-20, K.C. Irwindale 2. Irwindale (1-2) 17-22, Rams Denver 3. Pitt (1-2) 12-17, Cincinnati Buffalo 4. Detroit (1-2) 14-22, N. Orleans N.J. Jets 5. Dickersons (0-3) 17-23, Cleveland Miami (Fla.)

6. Philadelphia (1-2); 7-9. Bays and/or soap operas (Green, 0-3; Tampa, 1-2; Dallas, 1-2); 10. (Tie) Houston (2-1) and Miami (Fla.) (1-2).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Irwindale (1-2) at Denver (1-2) (special Crummy Edition of Monday Night Football).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Super Bowl-bound Buffalo (3-0) over Pitt (1-2).

CONDESCENDING-COMMENT-OF-THE-YEAR AWARD: ABC’s Dan Dierdorf, asserting that Phoenix fans didn’t seem to know when to applaud and compared them to London spectators watching their first NFL game. (You know, Dan, two pretty fair schools, Arizona and Arizona State, do play in the area.)

THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP: When New Jersey Jets tackle Dave Cadigan (an ex-Trojan) was asked why so many New England pass rushers trampled him in a game, he explained that the coaches told him to let players run over him instead of around him because it would take them longer.