He’s Positive When Answering All Your Negative Questions

Ask Mr. Negative ...

Do you feel Little League officials in Houston acted too harshly? You know the situation: The 15-year-old boy with cerebral palsy was kicked off the team and his coach forced to resign in disgrace, and officials said just because the kid weighs 56 pounds and is too small to play with kids his own age is no reason to break the rules? I’d like to drive my pickup truck over your violin, sport. That wasn’t just some little boy having a good time out there. The kid was tearing up the league. He was hitting .167, but it was an impact .167. Major league scouts were hiding in the bushes. He was destroying the league’s competitive balance, using his maturity to dominate younger pitchers, inflicting potential psychological trauma.

If they let the kid get away with this, what kind of ethics-dodging shenanigans might we expect from him if he ever becomes, say, Speaker of the House? And the coach, by allowing the kid to circumnavigate the rules, was sending the impressionable lad the message that life is a bowl of cherries.

Let the kid play ball with other boys his own age and three times his size and see if he can continue to strike terror in the hearts of opposing pitchers.

The people who criticize the Little League/military/industrial complex in this situation are the same people who reflexively lash out at Exxon for that Alaskan oil-spill thing, conveniently failing to mention that birds, seals and fish pollute the ocean, too.

What do you think of this Dr. Astaphan, who not only prescribed steroids to Ben Johnson, then denied it, then admitted it, but also made secret tapes of phone conversations with Johnson, “so that . . . my tail would be covered, too . “ Gee, and they call me Mr. Negative. Personally, I like a doctor who keeps efficient records. And there’s nothing worse than a doctor with an uncovered tail.

Besides, this Astaphan is a thinking-man’s doctor. I understand that when Johnson complained that, as a side effect of the steroids, one of his breasts had become greatly enlarged, Astaphan replied, “Hey, what do you break the finish-line tape with? That new feature should knock a tenth-of-a-second off your time. I’ll have to charge you extra for this, pal.”

Listen, you can’t believe everything you hear coming out of that Canadian inquiry. In fact, you can’t believe anything you hear. You can’t even believe it’s being held in Canada.

And before you judge Astaphan, remember that not only has he helped a lot of athletes enhance their performances, but a lot of civilians, as well. My sources tell me that under Astaphan’s guidance, Elvis Presley is bench-pressing 350.

Any thoughts on the Kentucky basketball scandal? None that are worth putting in print, but I won’t let that stop me.

Coach Eddie Sutton shouldn’t be made the scapegoat here. How could he notice all the corruption and deceit going on in his program when he’s busy making sure his student-athletes get to class on time and do their homework and get their characters built? A guy can only spread himself so thin.

In resigning, Sutton said, “I still have to take part of the responsibility because I was the head basketball coach.”

I respect a man who is big enough to admit other people’s mistakes.

What’s the deal with rhythmic gymnastics? I read one report that the IOC has eliminated rhythmic gymnastics from the Olympic Games, and another report that the sport would not be eliminated. Which is it? The first reports were wrong. Rhythmic gymnastics lives!

The enormously popular event will even be expanded for the 1992 games, with the addition of an aquatics competition where the athletes create beautiful water patterns in the air by waving garden hoses.

Wasn’t that a great job the Detroit Pistons did on Michael Jordan Monday, holding Air to 23 points? Here’s a player who in this series has suffered from the flu and a groin pull, who is hounded full-court by two NBA all-defensive team players and consistently butchered by the self-styled thugs of the hardwoods. They’ve quadruple-teamed Jordan and held him to an average of 32 points in the series and haven’t let him score 50 in any given game. Marvelous defense.

Tony Mandarich, the 325-pound offensive lineman drafted by the Green Bay Packers, says he would fight Mike Tyson for $10 million. What would Mandarich need to survive in the ring with Tyson? Steroids. Mandarich would have to buy $10 million worth of steroids in those squishy capsules, then spread ‘em all over the canvas to cushion his fall.

If he skips the fight and signs with the Packers, Mandarich should become a very successful and obnoxious NFL player. If he opts to fight Tyson first, Tony’s football price will go down, because NFL teams just won’t pay big money for a 325-pound kicking tee.