If You’re Talking All-Time Great Hits, These Two Belong

Someday, some year, they’ll meet by chance in a tavern somewhere, and they’ll share a cold one and a memory or two:

Brian Bosworth: Hey, dude. Ain’t you the guy they called Big Daddy?

Rick Reuschel: Used to be. And I recognize you. You were a deodorant salesman on television, weren’t you?

Boz: That was one of my sideline gigs. My main thing was football. Linebacker. The Boz, baby. All-American, All-Pro, All-Universe. Feared by opponents, adored by fans, the usual rap sheet. Sit your big self down.

Rick: You used to have hair, didn’t you? Sure, I remember now. That night in 1987, you’re the guy who got laid out like a flour tortilla by . . .

Boz: Thanks for the reminder, Big Daddy. FYI, I was a gridiron superstar, made six straight Pro Bowl teams. They retired my jersey, and all you remember is one lousy play. I made a few tackles, too, you know, I relocated a few internal organs of opposing ballcarriers.

Rick: I guess you did, Boz, but for some reason, that one play stands out in my mind.

Boz: Mine, too. I admit the man made an impression on me. By the way, weren’t you the pitcher who gave up that legendary monster All-Star-game home run to . . .

Rick: Talk about a selective memory. I won 23 games and the Cy Young award that season. Besides, Boz, we’re talking about baseball, not bass fishing. A home run is a home run, no bonus points for size.

Boz: Right. And a touchdown is a touchdown. As I recall, that home run traveled, oh, roughly 448 feet.

Rick: I didn’t step it off.

Boz: They tell me it woulda gone deeper if it hadn’t nicked the blimp.

Rick: Look, that’s some bull that got tacked onto the story years later, when his legend was getting out of hand. There was no aircraft involved. I do admit he got a lot of wood on that ball, however.

Boz: A lot of wood? You coulda built a living-room group from the wood he got on that ball, Big Daddy. That homer pretty much launched Bo as a baseball legend, didn’t it?

Rick: Launched would be a good word. And that touchdown where he ran you over in Seattle, that was his calling card to pro football, wasn’t it? What did it feel like when he hit you, Boz?

Boz: Hurt. And don’t you ever tell anyone I said that, either. Hurt my ribs, hurt my butt, mostly hurt my pride. Worst part was having to sneak back onto the field after the PAT to pick up my shoes. I still feel that hit whenever it’s about to rain.

Rick: I wish it’d been raining that evening in Anaheim.

Boz: Whattaya mean? It was raining. Raining baseballs in the bleachers. Tell me, Big Daddy, what did the fella hit?

Rick: I think it was a Titleist, Boz. I bent that pitch down around his shoelaces and he went down and met it like it was an old friend. He had no business even swinging at that pitch, let alone taking it downtown.

Boz: That was his style, though. Man played by his own rules. They tell me that when he reported to the Raiders the first time and asked for a playbook, Al Davis drew some Xs and Os on a cocktail napkin and handed it to him. Kid told Davis, ‘Don’t you think I can learn the offense?’ and Al said, ‘Son, you are the offense.’

Rick: That must have been before Davis signed up his famous touchdown combo--quarterback Boris Becker to wideout Ben Johnson. But even with those guys, you-know-who was still the show.

Boz: Ah, so long ago. I’ve sort of lost touch with sports the last few years, since I moved to my own South Pacific island. What’s become of our buddy?

Rick: Not sure. I live in a mountain cabin, with no electricity unless there’s a storm. I hear things, though, from passing fur trappers. He won a tournament or two on the PGA tour, played some basketball in Italy. Last I heard he was America’s No. 1 hope in the Winter Olympics, giant slalom and speedskating. Leads what you might call an active retirement.

Boz: Hey, once you get past 50, use it or lose it.

Rick: So who do you think he hit harder, Boz--me or you?

Boz: Dunno, but those hits have pretty much stayed with us over the years, haven’t they?

Rick: Yeah, we’re like the ski jumper who keeps falling off the ramp at the start of that TV show. Still, the man tagged some other people, too. And our reputations helped make his. Maybe we should be proud.

Boz: So what are we doing, Big Daddy? Drinking to forget, or to remember?

Rick: Either. Both. Doesn’t matter. Let’s have one more.

Boz: To Bo.

Rick: To Bo.