LSU Tigers Nearly Lost No. 1 Spot

The Colleges

Losing State University kept a tenacious hold on No. 1, but the Paper Tigers were nearly dethroned by last weekend’s opponent, No. 2 Tennessee.

The Volunteers went into the game against once-victorious LSU as a two-point underdog, one of the biggest insults ever dealt a 5-1 team. What’s worse, they managed only a 45-39 win. The NCAA has since asked accountants from Price Waterhouse to review Tennessee’s claim of having won five games.

Ranked No. 3 this week are AP’s voters, who failed to rank Hawaii (6-2) in the Top 25, despite the school’s 56-14 win over BYU (6-2). Here’s the punchline: BYU is No. 23. “Maybe I shouldn’t have pulled the first team when we were ahead, 56-7,” said Hawaii Coach Bob Wagner.

Meanwhile, in the Top Ten Thug rankings, Miami regained No. 1 from Notre Dame. The visiting Hurricanes attempted unsuccessfully to block Florida State mascot Chief Osceola from galloping onto the field before the game to thrust his flaming spear into the Seminoles’ logo. The chief made it on an end run.

THE RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. LSU (1-6) 39-45, Tennessee Miss 2. Tennessee (6-1) Def. LSU, 45-39 Idle 3. AP Pollsters Hawaii ??? 4. UCLA (3-5) 27-28, Washington Stanford 5 1/2.Ohio St. (5-2) 8-31, Minnisota* N’western 5 1/2. Minn. (4-3) 37-41, Ohio St.** Wisconsin 7. Paterno (0-3)*** 16-17, Alabama Next Year 8. Rhde Isl. (0-1)+ 25-28, Villanova Unknown 9. Pitt (5-1-1) 7-45, Notre Dame Idle 10. Ma. Thugs (0-1) Osceola E. Caro.

11. Syracuse (trailed E. Carolina, 9-16 at halftime); 12. Houston (last week, after the Cougars routed SMU, 95-21, they fell four places in the New York Times rankings); 13. Oklahoma (13-game win streak against Colorado snapped); 14. BYU (15-game win streak against Hawaii snapped); 15. Coliseum security guards (allowed a streaker to run for more yards on field during Stanford-USC game than Cardinal’s backs); 16. Idle; 17.-20. (tie among items banned from Michigan Stadium during football games) Umbrellas, backpacks, chairbacks, marshmallows (students were accused of pelting each other, cheerleaders, and bandmembers with the No. 20 item).

* Halftime score.

** Final score.

***Record against Alabama last 3 years.

+ Record in Italy.

CHEAP SHOT OF THE WEEK (outside the Bottom Ten): ABC commentator Dick Vermeil (an ex-UCLA coach) asserting that the Bruins’ poor season is due to a coaching staff that “assumed” that winning had become “automatic.” (How sad to see Bruins turning on each other.)

LOU HOLTZ RESIGNATION WATCH: None this week. Well-behaved Irish players blocked no stadium tunnels this week and were penalized just 50 yards.

COMEDOWN OF THE WEEK (by 46 points): BYU, a four-point favorite over Hawaii, lost by 42.

QUOTEBOOK: Noting that Fitchburg (Mass.) State Coach Dave Secino is also the town tailor, reader Bob Brigham figures that Secino inspired the Falcons to end their 34-game losing streak against Southeastern Massachusetts by telling his players beforehand: “Men, those guys put their pants on one leg at a time--I know. “

The Pros

Owning a real, semi-live pro football team is certainly proving exciting for Dallas’ Jerry Jones.

His Cowboys, who were dragged off into the sunset by their opponents for an eighth straight time, now seem certain to become the first NFL team to finish 0-16. Old-timers no doubt will claim that NFL legends like the 1925 Columbus Panhandles (0-9) or the 1928 Dayton Triangles (0-7) could have pulled off that feat, but Dallas has the advantage of the longer schedule.

Meanwhile, Jones has been hit with a demand for ticket refunds for Cowboy fans from Robert Goodwin, an unappreciative local attorney, who is threatening to sue the team under the state’s deceptive trade act.

One of the more deceptive trades, of course, was the shipping of Herschel Walker to Minnesota. Dallas’ chief running back is now a guy they picked up on waivers from Kansas City. Meanwhile, rookie quarterback Steve Walsh’s play Sunday inspired chants of “We Want Babe!” a reference to Babe Laufenberg, third-string quarterback emeritus.

THE RANKINGS

(Due to fact that all NFL teams besides Dallas are 4-4, this week’s spotlight falls on the league’s all-time, one-season losers):

1. 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs (0-14) 2. 1942 Detroit Lions (0-11) 3. 1960 Dallas Cowboys (0-11-1) 4. 1944 Brooklyn Tigers (0-10) 5. 1925 Columbus Panhandles (0-9) 6. 1982 Baltimore Dolts (0-8-1) 7. 1989 Dallas Cowboys (0-8) 8. 1934 Cincinnati Reds (0-8) 9. 1928 Dayton Triangles (0-7) 10. 1920 Muncie Flyers (0-1)

QUOTEBOOK: A caller to a New York radio talk show: “The (1-7) Jets’ road to success is always under construction.”