SPORTS: THE NEXT DECADE : A Peek at the Stories of Tommorow

Tomorrow’s news today. Some newspapers give you everything .

Presenting:

Tabloid tales of the 1990s:

STEROID DANGERS MULTIPLY Football players, weightlifters attack village, burn barns, graze in grass, kiss cattle.

I AM COSELL’S ILLEGITIMATE SON Dierdorf’s startling confession.

PETE ROSE GOES TO PRISON Uses account and description of broadcast without expressed approval of Major League Baseball.

BOSTON GARDEN CONDEMNED Architect estimates it will take well over $200 to rebuild.

ATHLETE’S FOOT CAN BE FATAL Tests reveal disease can be contracted and spread by stepping through tobacco puddles in baseball dugouts, even while wearing shoes.

SENATOR GARVEY ACCUSED Denies that star of “Look Who’s Talking II” belongs to him and Kirstie Alley.

HOUSTON HUMILIATED AGAIN Loses to SMU in football, 101-7. For fifth straight year, Mustang coaches keep starters in game until final minute, without explanation.

WHITEY HERZOG JOINS PUNK BAND Dyes hair purple. “Don’t know what came over me.”

FOREMAN-JOHANSSON FIGHT SET Winner to get shot at Holmes-Schmeling winner.

BABY SEALS ATTACK POACHERS Bite and kick them to death; hundreds more seen headed toward New York garment district.

LITE BEER MORE FILLING Taste not all that great, either, years of tests finally confirm.

NADIA POSES FOR PLAYBOY Boyfriend hits roof.

CLIPPER COACH GUARANTEES THREE-PEAT Winning NBA titles “getting a little boring,” Casey claims.

PETE ROSE REINSTATED Says he’s sorry for betting on outcome of Hall of Fame vote.

NEW ROGER KAHN BOOK SHOCKER Best-seller “The Roger Verses” shocks literary world. Called first book ever written by Kahn about Kahn that did not pretend to be about somebody else.

BEN JOHNSON DISQUALIFIED AGAIN Miss Jamaica ruled ineligible as contestant in Miss Universe pageant after steroid test results show she used to be a he.

HOLTZ THREATENS TO QUIT Notre Dame coach vows to retire if one more player gets grass stain on pants.

I DEMAND REMATCH: DURAN Angry loser claims judges were biased in 1989 fight just because he kept getting punched in face.

YUGOSLAV ARMY ORDERS LAKER HOME Over objections from L.A. management, Yugoslavia military leaders force Vlade Divac to serve one-year hitch, refusing Lakers’ suggestion to take Orlando Woolridge instead.

McENROE MOVES TO ENGLAND “Far more civilized here,” tennis ace says.

SKIP CARAY KNOCKS FATHER “Can’t sing, never could,” son contends after Harry’s rap album hits charts.

RICHARD PETTY DAYTONA WINNER Averages 54 m.p.h., runs two laps ahead of A.J. Foyt, Paul Newman in Florida Senior Tour event.

MIKE DITKA BLASTS PRESS Finds button missing from shirt, blames media.

ASTRODOME RIPS OUT ASTROTURF Plants AstroGrass instead. Dodger Stadium decision to install blue artificial turf, sky boxes, exploding scoreboard, drive-through Jack in the Box is put on hold.

LAIMBEER JAILED Detroit police suspect Piston center of assaulting self.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SUED Models charge that swimsuits caused serious skin rash.

NORTH CAROLINA STATE ADMITS SCHOLAR Basketball player reportedly can spell both “C-A-T” and “S-A-T” without tutoring.

WOMAN MAKES NHL DEBUT Gets two assists, does triple axel, beats up Vancouver defenseperson in 5-3 St. Louis win.

AK-47 ASSAULT RIFLE BANNED Hunters angry, say it’s difficult to shoot helpless animals with conventional weapons.

CLIPPER TICKET PRICES SOAR Actor, team’s top fan, upset over $4,000 courtside fee.

TARK CASE TAKES STRANGE TURN Nevada-Las Vegas coach surprise choice as new president of NCAA.

SAN DIEGO AWARDED SUPER BOWL Once again, neutral field assured.

DODGER-DENVER GAME POSTPONED Mile High Stadium baseball opener suspended after trainer is unable to stop Hershiser nosebleed.

BO MAY QUIT GOLF TOUR After eight-under-par 64 in first round of Danny Thomas Memphis St. Jude Classic, Jackson complains of slight muscle twinge on backswing, may sit out Friday’s round.

EASY GOER SUICIDE VICTIM Depressed over second-place finishes.

PGA WEIGHS RULE CHANGES Senior Tour golfers demand shorter holes, larger cups.

NEW TED TURNER VENTURE UPSETS WHITE HOUSE ’98 Goodwill Games set for Managua.

PRESIDENT SALUTES CHAMPS Jackson welcomes Clippers to Rose Garden.

SMALLEST BASEBALL CROWD EVER Mariner home game draws attendance of 17. Fans introduced instead of starting lineups to save time.

NO MORE HOCKEY FIGHTING Crackdown proposed after four killed in Philadelphia-Hartford brawl.

BALLPLAYER HOLDS OUT FOR $100 MILLION “Have to think of my family.”

SUGAR RAY RE-RETIRES Punchy ex-middleweight has speech, vision, respiratory problems, says he should have stuck to 1990, ‘92, ’93 and ’97 retirements.

YOUNT NEARS ROSE RECORD Milwaukee DH approaches all-time hit mark; Pete Rose sells “Batboy and Robin” souvenir Louisville Sluggers on TV shopping network for $5,000 each.

STRAWBERRY OVERSLEEPS THROUGH DECADE Met outfielder can’t account for whereabouts from 1990-95, insists he set alarm.

BOB KNIGHT GETS 10-15 YEARS Patient Puerto Rico authorities pleased after surprise extradition of U.S. coach.

MAGIC FAREWELL TOUR ENDS Retiring Laker guard receives Rolls-Royce, Lear jet, Faberge egg, Picasso original, Hefner mansion, cruise ship and eight square blocks of downtown Culver City from fans.

IDITAROD RACE CALLED OFF Dog-sled pursuit postponed in Alaska as dogs keep slipping on oil.

NBC GETS CHINA OLYMPICS Pays $20 billion for 2000 Summer Games in Beijing. Twenty billion Chinese don’t care.

PBA ADOPTS INSTANT REPLAY Bowlers claim: “Now we can tell if pin was knocked down by rack.”

LASORDA RECUPERATING Dodger manager’s spirits up after long bout with anorexia.

WRESTLEMANIA XIV SET FOR FORUM Sellout audience expected for Deborah Norville-Jane Pauley cage match.

TWO MORE HUNTERS KILLED Pushed by angry deer over cliff.

ROME STAR VOTED ALL-STAR MVP Ferry’s 34 points pace European Conference’s 138-128 triumph over North Americans in NBA All-Star contest at Florence. Madrid’s Charles Barkley adds 33.

GRAF LOSES GRAND SLAM EVENT Tennis veteran’s 2,000-match winning streak ends with loss to countrywoman from United Republic of Germany.

BOSWORTH DUE BACK “Any day now,” Seahawks told by linebacker, out 11 years with injury.

SAM WYCHE SENTENCED Indicted coach given option of five years in federal prison or five weeks in upstate Ohio.

REDS BOYCOTT SEASON OPENER Cincinnati players refuse to play for new owner, say it’s “undignified” to work for late owner’s St. Bernard.

SCHEMBECHLER FIRED University of Michigan chancellor prefers “Michigan man to run Michigan athletics,” dismisses Miami of Ohio grad.

FISH CATCHES TED WILLIAMS Hall of Famer pulled into brook by incredibly large salmon.

KANSAS STATE GETS BOWL BID Accepts chance to play Miami for national championship in Jan. 1 Jockey Underwear Cotton Bowl.

JOURNALISM MAJOR HIRED BY CBS SPORTS First one since ‘70s.

BOUNTY ACCUSATIONS CONTINUE Dallas cheerleader insists Buddy Ryan stole her costume, claims he wears it under his own clothes.

LONG BEACH PROBATION ENDS College football program restored nine years after 1990 death penalty.

AGASSI PLAYS WIMBLEDON Wears white denim shorts, hurls shirt into crowd, hits Duchess of Kent in face.

LOYOLA MARYMOUNT SCORES 250 Remains unbeaten with 250-199 victory over gutty U.S. International.

JAPANESE BUY AUGUSTA NATIONAL Own all but six U.S. courses now.

PENN STATE MAY BOYCOTT ROSE BOWL Ninth straight bowl victory by Big Twelve champs attracts crowd of 19,000 to Pasadena. Coach may seek stiffer competition elsewhere.

MARGO ADAMS WINS COURT CASE Sues Boston Red Sox for alienation of affection, is awarded $250,000 and player to be shamed later.

BASKETBALL GOLD MEDAL TO USA Michael Jordan scores 52 points, Wilt Chamberlain 49 as Americans defeat Soviets in Barcelona Olympic title game, 187-32.

BENJAMIN FAREWELL TOUR ENDS Retiring Clipper center receives pair of shoes and hearty handshake from grateful fans.

NEW ZEALAND CHALLENGES CUP DECISION Files official protest over Dennis Conner’s use of outboard motor.

NBA DRUG CRACKDOWN ESCALATES Commissioner insists players will be banned for life after seventh warning.

NICKLAUS WINS ANOTHER MASTERS Greg Norman accosts champion at ceremony, rips pocket off green jacket, screams: “C’mon, retire already!”

TYSON TO FIGHT GRIZZLY Don King claims bear is only one willing to fight champ. New York Post calls it bizarre suicide attempt.

ATLANTA TEAM HAS WINNING RECORD First time in any sport in seven years.

NO OKLAHOMA ATHLETE ARRESTED Coach of Sooners says he believes it “may start trend.”

SEX CHANGE FOR JOAQUIM CRUZ Brazilian enters women’s sprints in ’92 Barcelona Games. Florence Griffith Joyner says: “He looks ugly to me either way.”

SHOTS FIRED AT LOU HENSON Hunter tells police he mistook Illinois coach’s toupee for squirrel.

FRANK LAYDEN, JANE FONDA WED “He’s everything I ever wanted and a lot more,” actress says.

LENDL WINS WIMBLEDON Weather forecast for weekend: Hell to freeze over.

WASHINGTON, D.C., GETS MAJOR-LEAGUE BASEBALL Some say it’s first time.

VIN SCULLY MAKES MISTAKE Some say it’s first time.

KEVIN COSTNER COMMITTED Confused actor swears he actually did play baseball in minor leagues and in cornfield with ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson.

LeMOND SCANDAL BROADENS Tour de France champion refutes latest reports that both front and back tires had too much air.

COWBOY COACH CONTINUES BARBER STRIKE Jimmy Johnson says he will go on shaving head once a week until Dallas wins at least five games.

DEXTER MANLEY SUES COLLEGE Lawsuit contends Oklahoma State did not provide proper education. Manley demands “a thousand million dollars” in compensation.

NBA CHAMPS HONORED AGAIN President Quayle welcomes Clippers back to Rose Garden. Says he, too, “went after my NBA” while in college.

WOMAN UMPIRE WORKS WORLD SERIES San Francisco manager “appalled” by her constant swearing, scratching, spitting.

CUBS FINALLY WIN CHAMPIONSHIP Nahhhhhhh.