She Didn’t Know the Name, Should Have Known the Voice

Dick who?: After Jim Valvano was signed by ABC as a basketball analyst, Dick Vitale told USA Today that he put in a call to ESPN executive producer Steve Bornstein.

“His secretary asked me to spell my name and asked if I worked there,” Vitale said. “How soon they forget.”

Kiner watch: From Bruce Keidan of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: “Ralph Kiner, who is justifiably famous for his malapropisms and non sequiturs, may have topped himself on a WWOR telecast of a Mets’ game recently.

“The Mets’ David Cone was pitching to Benito Santiago of the Padres when Kiner said this: ‘Santiago in Spanish means San Francisco. No. Santiago in San Diego means St. James.’

“I am not making this up.

“Later in the broadcast, Kiner announced: ‘This is Ralph Kiner, along with Frank Cashen, general manager of the San Diego Padres.’ ”

Cashen is general manager of the Mets.

Add Kiner: He has always had trouble with names, and the Sporting News has been keeping track. Here is a list, with Kiner’s versions on the right:

George Foster--George Fisher.

George Foster--George Strawberry.

Darryl Strawberry--Darryl Throneberry.

Dwight Gooden--Greg Goossen.

Howard Johnson--Walter Johnson.

Ray Knight--Ray Nat.

Dave Kingman--Ed Kranepool.

Gary Carter--Gary Cooper.

Milt May--Mel Ott.

Marie Osmond--Marie Osburg.

Mother’s Day--Father’s Day.

Ralph Kiner--Ralph Korner.

Trivia time: Who is the only man in baseball history with at least 2,000 hits, 300 home runs and 300 stolen bases?

Now-it-can-be-told Dept. Detroit’s Mike Heath was so incensed after striking out for the final out in Randy Johnson’s no-hitter at Seattle Sunday, he did a number on the TV set in the visitors’ locker room.

Before leaving, the Tigers were handed a bill for $700.

Add Johnson: “I sure wish my parents could have seen this because they’ve watched me twice on TV and I gave up six home runs,” he said.

Knight strikes: Said Indiana basketball Coach Bob Knight at a roast of Detroit Tiger President Bo Schembechler: “He must be thinking, ‘We’re paying millions to guys who don’t play well.’ He must think he’s coaching at Illinois.”

Didn’t shrink: Said Kansas City linebacker Derrick Thomas, comparing his two coaches at Alabama, Ray Perkins and Bill Curry: “Perkins wasn’t too big to go into the projects. He would drive his Lincoln right up to the front door and go in for dinner. Maybe Curry was afraid. Whatever, we lost a lot of players.”

Good move: Gil Morgan, who holds a degree in optometry but has never practiced, had this to say after winning the Kemper Open: “You’ve got to sell an awful lot of glasses to make $180,000.”

Trivia answer: Willie Mays.

Quotebook: Charles Barkley, picking Portland to win the NBA finals: “The Pistons like to play physical basketball, but they don’t like to be played physically.”