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A Healthy Serving of Scoops du Jour

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Just because I am that kind of reporter, I have been nosing around, digging up all sorts of scoops.

You’ll be interested (or not) to know that:

--Notre Dame’s football players are not the ones taking steroids. Coach Lou Holtz is, on doctor’s orders. South Bend physicians say the last time they saw anyone with muscle definition like that, he was in a cornfield, scaring a crow.

--The Nike sporting goods company is organizing a nationwide protest until Operation PUSH employs a few more white people.

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--You know that ESPN guy who just reported exclusively that the Raiders are moving to Oakland? He is about to issue another exclusive report that Sacramento is the capital of California.

--Pacific 10 Conference officials are still reeling over the news that those two natural rivals, Washington State and Texas A&M;, won’t be getting together. Bookies in Las Vegas continue to wear black armbands.

--Late Tuesday night, after everybody else was gone, I caught Nolan Ryan unscrewing his arm and putting it back inside its leather case.

--A secret poll of major league pitchers is about to reveal that they do hit batters on purpose, even with the bases loaded, because they hate batters and hope to hurt them at every available opportunity.

--The outspoken Wayne Gretzky, in his new book, will reveal that his stick really isn’t curved.

--Somebody is coaching football at the University of Arkansas, but we still don’t know who.

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--Junior Seau of the San Diego Chargers was determined to hold out until he received every bit as much as every other player who never played pro football, even if it meant never playing pro football.

--Roseanne Barr has joined the Johnny Mann singers.

--Last I heard, Pete Rose’s pushing of the yard boss had something to do with a pack of cigarettes.

--It’s already Wednesday, and Bo Jackson isn’t hurt yet.

--Brian Bosworth just started as a fry cook at a suburban Seattle Denny’s.

--Budweiser bottles are threatening to hold out over this hurry-up halftime thing.

--Steffi Graf will soon disclose that she recently defeated her first-round opponent and it was a lot tougher than it looked.

--George Steinbrenner has just been notified that he has been kicked out of the world.

--Darryl Strawberry absolutely insists that he is serious about signing with the Dodgers and will continue to be serious right up to the minute the Mets fall for it.

--George Bush is playing so much golf, he is giving serious thought to entering one of those Senior PGA things.

--Correction: The Dodgers are actually 15 1/2 games out of first place. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused our readers.

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--Cecil Fielder reportedly has just hit a grounder to short, ending his string of home runs and strikeouts at 27.

--The Angels appear to be serious about this Mark Langston rebate business.

--Cal State Long Beach’s George Allen has officially begun marketing his new bumper sticker: “The Future Was Then.”

--In a surprise development, Allen and his assistant coaches say they will go for the victory instead of the tie if the score is 31-30 in the final minute.

--In another surprise development, Allen has assistant coaches.

--Eric Dickerson is holding a news conference today to announce that he wants out. He won’t say out of what, but he knows he wants out of something.

--Brent Musburger already is history at ABC, and is being replaced by that relative of Al Michaels’.

--The Pat Riley-in-a-Buddhist-monastery rumor is an out-and-out lie.

--I checked with Magic Johnson’s fiancee and yes, she really has postponed the wedding because of his insistence that they name their next child Magic Jr., boy or girl.

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--In a prepared statement, the Angels have announced that next season they are prepared to finish third or fourth.

--The Boston Celtics have signed the entire roster from UC Santa Barbara, including incoming freshmen. No reason was given.

--Bo Schembechler is a happy man this week because he just found out that there are actually two Jeff Robinsons and he’d been really confused.

--Schembechler also apologized for mistakenly believing that Jose Canseco was a brand of tequila.

--In a related development, new Michigan Coach Gary Moeller, becoming more like Schembechler every day, got tangled in the cords of his headset Tuesday and was found hanging from a tree like a kite. He later threw his cap in disgust, swore at referees and reminded his players to be more mature.

--The ESPN guy just reported that the Raider dispute has something to do with a stadium. He refused to reveal his sources.

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