NFL News You Can’t Bank On

Pay no mind to the flood of magazines, newspapers, newsletters, pamphlets, flyers, skywriters and men on the street trying to tell you who’s going to do what in the National Football League this fall.

That’s easy.

We are here to offer more. We are here to tell you what won’t happen. . . .

The Rams won’t catch the 49ers but it won’t be because of their September problems. December is the real problem--five final games played at Cleveland, against New Orleans and San Francisco at home, at Atlanta and at New Orleans.

The Back-In-Black Atlanta Falcons won’t do anything for Jerry Glanville’s reputation this year. His team will play like thugs, run up the score, be universally despised, and, once it makes the playoffs, lose in the first round to someone it should beat.

Eddie DeBartolo Jr. won’t flinch when he signs over the check to pay his $500,000 fine. He knows he got off easy.

Training camp won’t seem more than an orchestrated waste of time if Don Majkowski comes right in and throws for another 4,000 yards.

Anthony Dilweg won’t make it through one NFL start. If the Rams are ahead in the second half Sunday, it’ll be Majik.

Boomer Esiason won’t have to apologize for his Joe Namath impression. Cincinnati, as Boomer has guaranteed, is going to the Super Bowl.

Best of all, that means Denver won’t.

The average NFL game won’t last longer than puberty anymore, thanks to the new keep-the-clock-running mercy rules.

Won’t the colleges copy a good thing once they see it?

Curt Warner won’t be able to fill the shoes of the little dwarf--but Cleveland Gary might.

The Saints won’t be marching anywhere until they find somebody--not Bobby Hebert, not John Fourcade--who can move the ball through the air.

Jeff George won’t be worth the interest on the $15 million he stole from the Colts--or the Andre Rison/Chris Hinton CARE package Atlanta received as a down payment.

The Rams won’t be hammered for the Eric Dickerson trade anymore.

Tampa Bay won’t have the home field advantage in Super Bowl XXV, but it could qualify for the tournament. Some facts: In 1989, the Buccaneers lost five games by an average of 2.6 points, lost to San Francisco by four points and went 1-6 when they scored less than 20 points. Since then, Vinnie Testaverde has gained a year’s wisdom and a backfield assistant named Gary Anderson, which should make him smarter still.

The city of Phoenix won’t pay to watch this Cardinal team, either.

The Raiders won’t go anywhere except the playoffs. They’re in a weak division, they have Art Shell from Week 1 and they have Greg Bell, Marcus Allen, Tim Brown, Mervyn Fernandez, Willie Gault and, as always, latecomer Bo.

Why won’t they trade for a quarterback?

They won’t find one in Kansas City or San Diego, division rivals in search of the same thing.

Steve Grogan won’t retire. In this decade or any other.

Dallas won’t go 1-15 again. Jimmy Johnson has brought in one of his old runners (Alonzo High smith) and the Cowboys get to play Phoenix twice.

It won’t be easy picking a rooting interest when Jerry Glanville meets Buddy Ryan on Nov. 18.

Mike Ditka won’t chill out. Chicago’s defense, ranked 25th in 1989, should improve with the addition of USC safety Mark Carrier. Neal Anderson is the best runner in the league, but the quarterback cupboard is Bear.

Announcers won’t know what to do the first time Mark Carrier tackles Mark Carrier the first time Chicago plays Tampa Bay.

Detroit won’t outrun and outshoot Houston this year. Andre Ware may have majored in the philosophy, but Jack Pardee holds the Ph.D.

Joe Montana won’t film another TV commercial if Nolan Ryan won’t.

Wade Wilson still won’t be the man who leads the Vikings back to the Super Bowl.

It won’t be Herschel Walker, either. Minnesota should have kept trading with Dallas until Steve Walsh was on board as well.

Atlanta won’t be the most improved team in the league. Look instead to the New York Jets, who now have Blair Thomas in the backfield, Rob Moore at wide receiver, the benefit of a last-place schedule and a coach, Bruce Coslet, who knows how to pump up an offense.

Pittsburgh won’t draft any more players from Liberty U. Rookie Eric Green remains a holdout, making the Steelers the only team in the league to open the season without its No. 1 draft choice. Which is the real tight end in these negotiations--Pittsburgh or Green?

Cleveland won’t have to worry about losing another AFC final to Denver. Finishing last, though, is another topic.

San Francisco won’t win a third consecutive Super Bowl because Cincinnati won’t blow its third Super Bowl shot at San Francisco. The Bengals win by a field goal and Sam Wyche is lifted onto the shoulders of his players, a world champion football coach.

Won’t that be something?