Here’s How to Terminate Controversy

I have just finished writing my new screenplay, “Infra-Ref,” about a robot who referees football games and umpires baseball games.

Since he is not human, he never makes mistakes.

Nobody boos him, ever.

He is always right. He cannot err.

There is no more need for instant replay, no more need for “further review.”

Not with Infra-Ref on the job.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will play him.

No football team ever accidentally gets five downs instead of four. No pass-interference call is missed.

No baseball player can insult him by cursing. He is uninsultable. He has no ears.

Infra-Ref never blows a call.

His electric eyes can detect whether a football player’s toes are in-bounds when he catches a pass. His laser beams can tell whether a runner has “broken the plane” of the end zone.

He needs no assistance as to whether a baseball batter checked his swing in time. He can tell fair from foul without fail.

Better yet, he can dust off home plate automatically, thanks to the special Plate-Vac feature built into his system.

And no baseball can hurt him. Foul tips that strike Infra-Ref between the legs just go “clank.”

Arguments are useless. If you yell at Infra-Ref, he does not react. If you kick dirt on him, he does not react.

His wiring does get crossed whenever a pail of Gatorade is poured over his head, but this flaw is being worked out, even as we speak.

Infra-Ref never has to explain himself. He doesn’t need to defend incorrect calls that were made in the blink of an eye. He never blinks.

There are no human imperfections. He doesn’t get arrested for shoplifting. He doesn’t write books about his personal life. He doesn’t play favorites. He doesn’t get sent to diet farms.

Nobody yells, “Kill the umpire,” because he cannot be killed.

He can work 365 days a year. He never takes a vacation. He never goes on strike.

His inventors are currently working on a model for hockey that skates.

The boxing model already counts to 10, but cannot yet tell when to stop a fight by a technical knockout. The tennis model is 100% perfect on line calls and never changes its mind, even for the brattiest player.

Infra-Ref is locked into a storage closet at night. He never has problems at home, except when a janitor sticks too many brooms in there.

There is no Mrs. Infra-Ref. Gamblers can never influence him. He doesn’t drink or smoke or use drugs. He uses oil.

The wide world of sports welcomes Infra-Ref into the 21st Century. He is the perfect invention.

Of course, he poses one problem: He isn’t very interesting .

By not making mistakes, Infra-Ref is almost too ideal. He hasn’t much character. He isn’t the least bit human.

And a lot of people think referees and umpires should continue to be human. This caused me a lot of headaches with my screenplay. How could I make someone interesting who wasn’t very interesting?

I figured something out.

Since Infra-Ref is an experimental model, the only one of its kind, he needs human partners until other robots can be manufactured.

So, I put him on an officiating crew with Jocko, an ordinary human who has been officiating games for years.

This is Jocko’s last season, because next year he will be phased out. He has become obsolete.

For one final World Series, though, Jocko is part of the umpiring crew. Infra-Ref will work home plate, every game.

And in the final inning of the final game, when Infra-Ref makes a call that costs the home team the game, the crowd goes after him, even though his call was correct.

Infra-Ref has to go into hiding with his human friend. The fans want to take him apart, nut by bolt.

A cry goes up in public that we should give human umpires and referees another chance, since there will always be arguments.

Athletes promise on stacks of bibles that they will never argue with a human official again.

Football fans vow never to boo another penalty that goes called or uncalled.

Baseball managers swear they will act their age and will never throw tantrums in public again.

Jocko? Well, Jocko gets to keep his job.

And Infra-Ref?

Well, a few things happen to Infra-Ref.

He learns how to chew tobacco.

He writes a book and becomes an after-dinner speaker.

He falls in love, I think with Julia Roberts.

And at the next game he works, when somebody makes the mistake of arguing one of his calls, Infra-Ref picks up the guy and snaps him in two.

Hey, it’s a Schwarzenegger movie. It needs action.