Only a Matter of Time for an A’s Victory

Game 5 of the World Series, Sunday, Oct. 21, Oakland:

In a stunning development, the Cincinnati Reds, sick to death of hearing the Oakland Athletics insist that they are the better team, invite the A’s to extend the World Series to best five-of-nine.

Bob Welch pitches for Oakland. Danny Jackson goes for the Reds. The Reds leave Eric Davis out of their starting lineup, partly because Davis is hurt, partly because they feel sorry for the A’s.

Cincinnati wins, 9-0.

“We’re still better than them,” Oakland pitcher Dave Stewart says. “I don’t care what the score was. They could beat us a thousand times and we’d still be better than them.”

Game 6 of the World Series, Tuesday, Oct. 23, Cincinnati, Ohio:

At a news conference, Marge Schott, owner of the Reds, admits that at first she voted against her team’s accepting Oakland’s dare to make the World Series six-out-of-11.

“But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much money the TV people would pay us,” Schott said. “I have to pay my players, and remember, I’m the cheapest person since Jack Benny.”

Mike Moore pitches for Oakland. Tom Browning agrees to pitch for the Reds on the condition that he be permitted to keep his baby’s stroller near the mound at all times. Joe Oliver offers to do between-inning feedings.

Cincinnati wins, 12-2.

“So, they beat us six lousy times,” Oakland pitcher Dave Stewart says. “Big damn deal. They could beat us six thousand times and it wouldn’t make any difference. If we played them 60,000 times, we’d win 40,000 of them.”

Game 7 of the World Series, Wednesday, Oct. 24, Kansas City, Mo.

Reluctantly, Fay Vincent approves an unprecedented plan to play the World Series on a neutral field, in deference to Cincinnati players’ suggestion that no favoritism be shown toward the National League.

Says Reds Manager Lou Piniella: “I know we were supposed to host four of the seven World Series games this year, but we’d like to give Oakland at least a fighting chance to win one of these things.”

Scott Sanderson pitches for Oakland, saying: “It’s about time.” Rob Dibble goes for the Reds, saying: “OK, I’ll do it, but that old dame better pay me overtime.” Piniella permits Jose Canseco to be every other batter.

Cincinnati wins, 14-1.

“I’m not saying the Reds aren’t a good team,” Oakland pitcher Dave Stewart says. “As far as I’m concerned, they’re the second-best team in baseball. No doubt in my mind about that. I’ll bet if they were in our division, they’d have finished a close second. I have to take my hat off to them. I don’t have to give them my hat, but I have to take it off to them.”

Game 28 of the World Series, Friday, Dec. 14, Marion, Ill.

Determined to prove wrong an Oakland player’s off-handed remark that “OK, but they could never beat us if Pete Rose was still managing them,” the World Series moves to the yard of a federal penitentiary, where Cincinnati’s manager wears a familiar No. 14 on his back and an unfamiliar longer number on his front.

“I’ll do the best I can,” Rose says. “Pack of cigarettes says we win.”

Dave Stewart, 0-6 in the Series so far, pitches for Oakland. Bob Welch, signed by Cincinnati as a free agent in November, goes for the Reds. Bob Engel umpires home plate.

Cincinnati wins, 16-3.

“You media people keep trying to make a big deal out of this,” Oakland pitcher Dave Stewart says. “The fact remains, we won 103 games during the regular season, we’ve been to three Fall Classics in a row and we’ve only choked in two of them. We’re the greatest team in baseball, and anybody who thinks the Reds are better than us is simply confused because the Reds keep on beating us. Understand?”

Game 66 of the World Series, Saturday, Feb. 23, Plant City, Fla.

Proposing once and for all that the Series be declared unofficial unless the Athletics finally win a game, the Cincinnati Reds defy the commissioner’s office by starting an outfield of Tony Perez in left field, Minnie Minoso in center field and Schottzie the St. Bernard in right.

“I don’t like this one bit, not one bit,” Commissioner Vincent says. “They’re threatening to make a mockery of the game.”

Rick Honeycutt is scheduled to pitch for Oakland, with special dispensation to wear a thumbtack on his left hand. FiFi, a French poodle and personal friend of Schottzie’s, is slated to work for the Reds. Eric Davis, his injury completely healed, volunteers to play a few innings for the A’s, just to keep things fair.

Oakland wins, 4-3, on a two-run triple by Canseco that skips past Schottzie, who slips in a slippery outfield that was nobody’s fault but her own.

“I told you,” Oakland pitcher Dave Stewart says. “It was only a matter of time. You can’t keep a good team down. It’s always darkest before the dawn. A stitch in time saves nine.

“We’re still the best team in baseball. I’ve got nothing against Cincinnati, even though that’s exactly what we did--nothing against Cincinnati. Oakland was the best team yesterday, it’s the best team today and it will still be the best team when we lose the World Series in ’91.”