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THE BOWLS

All these new bowl sponsors have raised several suspenseful questions.

For instance, if no one scores within 30 minutes in the Domino’s Pizza Copper Bowl, will fans get their money back? Will Notre Dame mail in its victory in the Federal Express Orange Bowl? Can fans get in to see Blockbuster Video’s Blockbuster Bowl without a membership card? And will it be shown live?

Then there’s the former Sun Bowl in El Paso. First it was renamed the John Hancock Sun Bowl. Next it became the John Hancock Bowl. What now? Will the avaricious insurance company insist that the city be renamed John Hancock, Tex.?

As for the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the easy thing would be to say that Louisiana Tech and Maryland belong there. So let’s say it.

One of the last holdouts against sponsors is the Rose Bowl. But just wait until its agreement with the Pacific 10 and Big Ten runs out. Then one of L.A.’s most famous landmarks will get involved. Coming soon: The Tommy’s Original World Famous Hamburgers Rose Bowl!

RANKINGS

Dud Teams 1. Weed La. Tech (8-3) vs. Maryland (6-5) 2. Pizza California (6-4-1) vs. Wyoming (9-3) 3. Boredom Oregon (8-3) vs. Colorado State (8-4) 4. Liberty Air Force (6-5) vs. Ohio State (7-3-1) 5. Pit Indiana (6-4-1) vs. Auburn (7-3-1)* 6. All-American North Carolina St. (6-5) vs. So. Miss (8-3) 7. Blockbuster Due in stores in February! 8. Shamu BYU (10-2)** vs. Texas A$M (8-3-1) 9. Probation Houston (10-1) vs. Oklahoma (8-3) 10. (tie) Woes Washington (9-2) vs Iowa (8-3) 10. Saccharine Virginia (8-3)*** vs. Tennessee (7-2-2)

*Rallied to nab bowl bid by losing three of last four games.

**Ended season with remarkable 31-point loss to Hawaii, too late to strip quarterback Ty Detmer (four interceptions) of Heisman Trophy.

***Qualified by losing three of last four games.

LIBERTY BOWL PROMO: Ohio State split end Bobby Olive, on learning his school accepted bid: “It’s very frustrating. I’ve been to Memphis before and I don’t want to go back there. I could have accepted going to the Gator Bowl. It’s going to be kind of hard getting up for the game.”

THE PROS

Warning to NFL coaches: Winning can be hazardous.

Just the other day, Tampa-at-Bay owner Hugh Culverhouse declared that “even if we lost every game the rest of the year, even if (Coach) Ray Perkins wanted to quit, I wouldn’t let him.”

So what happens? Tampa beats Atlanta and Culverhouse fires Perkins, replacing him with assistant Richard Williamson (not his real name). Of course, many fans had called for the ouster of Perkins, who was 19-41 with the Buccaneers, and some even boycotted the first quarter of the Falcon game. (So did Tampa Bay’s offense, going scoreless in that period.)

The 331-yard passing performance by Tampa’s Vinny Interceptaverde was further proof, by the way, that Atlanta has the worst pass defense in the NFL. And you thought that cornerback Deion (Knee On) Sanders wouldn’t make an impact with the Falcons.

RANKINGS NOSE-DIVE DIVISION

Team, Slump Last Loss Next Loss 1. Giants (0-2) 3-7, S.F. Minnesota 2. Jets (0-4) 17-38, S.D. Healing 3. Denvelway (0-5) 20-23, Bo K.C. 4. Atlantis (0-5) 17-23, Tampa Phoenix 5. Cleveland (0-7) 23-38, L.A. Lambs Houston 6. Olde England (0-10) 7-37, K.C. Pitts

MILLI VANILLI DIVISION

Impostor, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Miami (9-3)* 20-42, Washington Philadelphia

*Dolphins have a total of one (1) victory over teams with winning records this year.

POLE-SITTER UPDATE: Tampa’s victory enabled Jason Dixon, a local radio personality, to climb down from a billboard, though Denver DJ Rich Goins is still on a similar perch, vainly waiting for a Bronco win.

QUOTEBOOK: CBS radio announcer Hank Stram, criticizing the conservative offense of Giant Coach Bill Parcells during the 49er game: “It looks like their game plan is not to lose it, rather than to win it.”