Easter Bunny Doesn’t Give Away as Many Baskets

Well, my favorite school is back in the news.

U.S. International--America’s Opponent.

Everybody loves to play U.S. International. The San Diego branch of the school is the laughing academy of scholastic basketball. Any athletic program hungry for a soft touch on its schedule can place an order with the International House of Creampuffs, day or night. They are here to serve.

Looking for a good time? Need a boost for your basketball team? Need a morale-building victory, coach? Don’t call us; we’ll call USIU! Ask for University President Dewey Gardem, or Athletic Director I. Ken Fowlem.

But say, better call fast! U.S. International is “Going Out of Business!”

Yes, hoop fans, it’s true. Having recently declared bankruptcy with the intention of abandoning big-time basketball, USIU is giving up its role as Division I’s literal team to beat. That final score again: Chapter 11, U.S. International 10.

(Writer’s note: First time in years they’ve held anybody to double figures.)

The Gulls left their special imprint--the same kind birds leave on car hoods--on the great sport of college basketball Saturday night by giving up 186 points to Loyola Marymount in 40 minutes of heads-up, hands-down action.

Using their patented “matador” defense, in which USIU players wave to adversaries as they charge by, the Gulls gave up 94 points in the first half alone, making the poor official scorer’s fingers bleed.

This did not break the NCAA record of 97 points in a half, set by Oklahoma last season against--yes, those masters of disaster, those makers of mischief, those secretaries of defense, U.S. International!

Loyola’s final count of 186, however, did break the NCAA record of 181 points, set by Loyola two seasons ago against-- ta-da! U.S. International!

At least Gull Coach Gary Zarecky had a good time Saturday. In fact, he said, everybody did.

“Anybody get up and leave?” Zarecky asked afterward. “When we play, nobody leaves.”

(Writer’s note: Of course not. Nobody leaves the circus, either, until the last clown squirts the last seltzer bottle.)

U.S. International is the Institute of Higher Scoring, the College of Offensive Knowledge, the U. of No D.

Princeton could play four games without giving up as many points as USIU does in one. Michael Cooper and four dolphins from Sea World could have held Loyola under 180.

What’s the trouble here? Do USIU players play barefoot? Could we all pitch in, maybe buy them some shoes? Do they not raise their arms on defense, in fear of offensive armpit smells? How many hoops do they use at Gull games--six? Is the rim lowered to six feet? Who’s the offensive coordinator for this team--Meadowlark Lemon?

USIU’s record this season is 1-16.

(Writer’s note: Early in the season, U.S. International scored a thrilling, last-second, 180-179 triumph over University of Nevada-Love Canal.)

Big highlight from this latest and greatest defeat was the spectacular performance of USIU’s Kevin Bradshaw, who scored 72 points, breaking an NCAA record previously set by Pistol Pete Maravich.

Cap-Gun Kevin took 59 shots, sank 23 of them, hit the backboard with several others, made 19 free throws, dribbled his little heart out all night Saturday and soaked his hands in ice all day Sunday.

(Writer’s note: In checking the box score, it occurs to me that there is some guy named Haywood who is going around campus today telling everybody how he and Kevin Bradshaw combined for 74 points in one night.)

The game was attended by a not-very-crowded crowd of 1,092 at Loyola’s Gersten Pavilion, most of whom U.S. International managed to hold scoreless.

Fans were treated for neck injuries and released.

Partly to blame for all this is, of course, Loyola Marymount itself, which continues to play basketball with all the patience and relaxed pace of a Roadrunner cartoon.

Jay Hillock, a kindred spirit of his predecessor as Loyola coach, Paul Westhead, has only marginally updated Westhead’s instructional playbook, the one that reads:

1. When in Doubt, Shoot.

2. Don’t Ever Be in Doubt.

3. Go Ahead and Pass. Be Benched. See If I Care.

4. Last Guy Who Misses Mops the Floor.

5. If You Don’t Want to Shoot the Ball With Your Hands, Go Play Soccer.

Copies of this coaching manual can be found inside every locker at U.S. International, where season tickets are sold with the slogan: “If We Don’t Give Up 150, You Don’t Pay.”

Speaking for myself, as well as for basketball opponents everywhere, I am truly going to miss the men of U.S. International when they leave this wacky world of basketball of ours.

Let us never forget their favorite cheer:

“Gimme a D!”

“Nahhh!”

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