This Interloper Might Have Learned Life Is No Picnic

Jack Nicklaus and Tom Watson were playing together in a recent golf tournament when Nicklaus backed off as he prepared to hit from the fairway.

“See that? An ant on top of the ball,” Nicklaus said. “It would have been a hell of a ride.”

Quipped announcer Bob Trumpy, “That ant better have a seat belt.

Replied color commentator Johnny Miller, “Or some Advil.”

Another one bites the dust: When quarterback Jim Everett of the Rams appeared on “Into the Night Starring Rick Dees” Monday night, he was introduced as “one of the nation’s most eligible bachelors.”

Everett then announced his engagement to Kristina Beatty, a Los Angeles model, much to the chagrin of a group of admiring female fans in the audience.

Trivia time: How many numbers have been retired by the Dodgers?

Buddy’s biggest fan: Buddy Ryan might have lost his job, but the former coach of the Philadelphia Eagles hasn’t lost his ego.

“As soon as an owner wants to win, then Buddy Ryan should be at the top of his list,” Ryan said. “I think next year when someone wants to win, then I should have the opportunity.”

Ryan spurned an offer to coach the New York-New Jersey franchise in the new World League of American Football.

“I told them I was a major league coach, not a minor league coach,” Ryan said.

Dream come true: During his confinement as a POW during the Persian Gulf War, U.S. Navy Lt. Robert Wetzel dreamed about going to a baseball game after his release.

“I dreamed of good things,” he said. “Things that I would experience when I got home, things like going to a ballgame with my brothers.”

Wetzel threw out the first ball on opening day at Shea Stadium in New York, along with three other Gulf veterans.

“It is the thrill of a lifetime,” he said.

What a concept: This item appeared in Sports Illustrated, circa 1968:

“Al Franken, the West Coast publicity man who puts on the Los Angeles Invitational Indoor Track Meet each January, has taken a hint from golf and is advertising for a sponsor. Franken says if he can find a company willing to put up the dough in exchange for the publicity value, he’d be happy to change the name of the meet to the Pepsi Games, the Budweiser Games, the Gatorade Games or whatever.”

Franken has promoted the Sunkist Invitational since 1970.

A real Wimp: Alabama basketball Coach Wimp Sanderson, whose real name is Winfrey, said his mother must have been sedated when she named him.

“They must have given her a shot right before she named me,” Sanderson said. “She must have been out of her head.”

Nicknamed by his boyhood friends, Sanderson said, “A wimp wasn’t a wimp then.”

Distant fan: After Duke defeated Kansas to win the NCAA basketball title, Duke President Keith H. Brodie received a telegram of congratulations from Turgut Ozal, the president of Turkey.

Ozal visited Duke late last month.

Sign of the times: Although the Detroit Tigers are considering a proposal to abandon Tiger Stadium for a new stadium in the suburbs, at least one fan opposes the move.

“If you build it, they won’t come,” read a sign in the stands at the Tigers’ home opener Monday.

Trivia answer: The Dodgers have retired eight numbers: Pee Wee Reese’s 1, Duke Snider’s 4, Jim Gilliam’s 19, Walter Alston’s 24, Sandy Koufax’s 32, Roy Campanella’s 39, Jackie Robinson’s 42, and Don Drysdale’s 53.

Quotebook: New York Met pitcher Dwight Gooden on opening day: “I love the hype. I love the crowd. The bigger the crowd, the more of a rush you feel. I feel like I’m in Little League, I’m real nervous. I can’t sleep the night before.”