Spraying to All Fields--and Stands

Unconventional wisdom for a Monday morning . . .

Albert Belle: Rhymes with brain cell, one of thousands the Cleveland left fielder must be missing. Once upon a time, players confined their tantrums to the field, throwing baseballs at one another. Now, they’re flinging them into the stands, at fans, turning the stadium bleachers into a Coney Island attraction. If bumping an umpire warrants a five-game suspension, pegging a spectator in the chest ought to draw Belle a cooling-off period of one month, minimum.

Rob Dibble: Could go down as this country’s worst influence since John Travolta.

Lenny Dykstra: There’s an old baseball idiom: “You start thinking too much, you get yourself in trouble.” That’s baseball--the dumb player is the good player. Lenny, unfortunately, has applied the same philosophy to his life.

Rickey Henderson: So Rickey passes Lou Brock and pounds his chest in front of the microphone and a nation goes into convulsions. What did anyone expect? Rickey is Rickey--and what we saw on center stage is what’s always been there, from the playgrounds of Oakland to doorstep of Cooperstown. Besides, did Rickey tell a lie? He is the greatest basestealer of all-time. He is the greatest leadoff man of all-time. No brag, just fact.

Roger Clemens: We’re talking suspension here. Suspension of offense whenever he pitches, suspension of earned runs, suspension of belief.

Jim Abbott: After 0-4, he beats Baltimore and Cleveland, and all is well in Angelville. The critics were right. All he needed was to face a little minor-league hitting.

Minnesota North Stars: If they sweep the Stanley Cup finals, they will finish with an overall record of 43-44-14. And who called the NHL regular season a mockery?

Pittsburgh Penguins: Everyone loves an underdog, but two? In the same championship series? From these cities? “And the NHL shoots for a network television contract . . . Stick save, Barrasso!”

Bruce McNall: Last spotted seething around the Forum offices. If Wayne Gretzky does anything against Edmonton--score a goal perhaps, not too much to ask of the best-paid player in hockey--the Kings would be staring Lord Stanley’s cup in the mouth right now.

Mario Lemieux: The best players have a knack for rising to the moment. Come back, Wayne, come back.

Larry Bird: He’s 33, off-season back surgery awaits, this could finally be the last stand. Put aside all NBA playoff allegiance for the moment; if you’re any kind of basketball romantic, you have to be rooting for a Celtic-Laker final, Bird vs. Magic, one more time, for old time’s sake, for Showtime’s sake.

Golden State Warriors: Smaller may not be better, but it’s definitely more fun.

John MacLeod: Mike Krzyzewski, Pete Gillen, Bobby Cremins and Jim Calhoun are smart men, all of them, and they all turned down Notre Dame. What does that say about MacLeod, who said yes? It says he’s been coaching the New York Knicks.

Jim Harrick: This is what happens when you settle for fourth- or fifth-best. Adam Keefe: That was some hangtime Mike Montgomery had on those back-flips. Lisa Olson: Her house has been vandalized, her tires have been slashed, she receives death threats by phone and mail, she will soon quit her sportswriting job and, for the sake of privacy and sanity, she will leave the country. And she did it for the publicity?

Dante Bichette: For those keeping score, as of Saturday, he was batting .234 with 15 RBIs. That’s 45 points and eight RBIs higher than Dave Parker. We won’t even mention Brian Downing.

Steve Howe: Three strikes and you’re not out? Six strikes and you’re not out? Baseball is our most forgiving sport--lose 60 times a year and you’re a great team--but would it be as forgiving if Howe weren’t Caucasian and a left-handed relief pitcher who throws heat?

Pete Holohan: The Rams will miss him more than they know--certainly more than Jim Everett, Mr. Image Control, will admit on the record. John Orton: Dan O’Brien’s first personnel move was small, but not insignificant. Orton should have been in the minors on Opening Day, advancing his education as a professional hitter of pitched baseballs. If the decision to begin Orton’s 1991 season on the bench in Anaheim wasn’t among the “philosophical differences” Richard Brown had with Mike Port, it should have been.

Mark Spitz: The comeback’s sinking like a stone. He’s swimming like one.

Mary Decker: At least she finished second.

Goodwill Games: The 1990 games lost $44 million, turned Seattle freeways into snarled traffic standstills and illustrated the sorry, sunken state of American amateur basketball, for all the world to see. Nonetheless, Orange County is bidding for Ted Turner’s stepchild for the summer of ‘98, assuming it survives that long. Anaheim Arena should be free.

Nolan Ryan: Is he the Neil Young of baseball? Or is Neil Young the Nolan Ryan of rock ‘n’ roll?

San Francisco Giants: Blame Al Rosen, not Roger Craig. The problem isn’t the split-fingered fastball. It’s the people attempting to throw it.

Jose Canseco: Tabloids link new divorcee Jose with Madonna (!) Truth . . . or dare?