Three Reasons You Shouldn’t Go by the Book

Nobody’s perfect, especially the talented but occasionally daring authors of “Rotisserie League Baseball--the Official Rule Book and Draft Day Guide.” A few excerpts, followed by the various players’ statistics:

On the Kansas City Royals’ Kirk Gibson: “Quick: Who was second on the Dodgers last year in stolen bases? Doesn’t that tell you that, contrary to popular opinion, Kirk’s wheels have not come off? Look for a big comeback.”

Gibson is now batting .209 in 125 at-bats, with 13 runs batted in.

On the Chicago Cubs’ Shawon Dunston: “Dunstonians, as his devoted followers are called, are being rewarded for their years of patience. Bidding on him will go as quickly as one of his throws to first. But he will never be as good as he was at Thomas Jefferson High in Brooklyn. In his senior year, he batted .790 and was 37 for 37 in stolen bases for the Jeffersonians.”

The latest Shawon-o-meter reading: Hitting .218 in 142 at-bats, with 14 RBIs.

On the Baltimore Orioles’ Ben McDonald: “At last, he pitches. You knew he wrestled alligators, you knew he ate mustard sardines before starts, you knew he could hold seven baseballs in one hand, but, frankly, you weren’t sure what he could do for your Rotisserie team. If his 1990 ERA and ratio don’t appeal to you, your ownership ‘is not in the best interest of’ Rotisserie baseball, and Mr. Dowd should be interviewing your associates shortly.”

Big Ben’s earned-run average thus far: 7.03. He’s 2-3, and in his last start Wednesday, he lasted one inning, allowed six earned runs and walked three.

Trivia time: Since the Associated Press began its weekly football poll in 1936, which school has been rated No. 1 the most number of weeks? And which school has had the most consecutive weekly appearances as No. 1?

Crash landing: Figuring that what worked for such successful franchises as the NHL’s Kings, the Lakers and the Detroit Pistons would work for his team, managing partner Gregg Lukenbill of the Sacramento Kings bought one of those fancy-schmancy private jets to fly his players around the country. The thinking was this: The team would arrive in each city more refreshed, more prepared to reverse the sorry record of this sorry franchise.

Yes, well, Sacramento finished the season with a 1-40 road record.

Interested plane buyers should contact Lukenbill. The jet is available for purchase.

You stupid ?&!!$%: Steve Alford’s book, “Playing for Knight,” is a look back at the former Indiana star’s experiences with Coach Bobby Knight. Wrote Alford about 1984 pre-Olympic tour practices: “The guy I felt sorry for was (Oklahoma’s Wayman) Tisdale. Coach was on his case constantly, screaming, ‘Wayman!’ so often that some of the players mimicked the cry when he was out of earshot. At a practice in Greensboro (N.C.), Coach suddenly stopped play and with a pen put a big X on the floor, then the date--marking the spot, he said, ‘Where Wayman Tisdale hustled.’

“ ‘When I get back to Oklahoma,’ Wayman jokingly said, ‘I’m going to hug every mean person I used to think was mean.’ ”

Trivia answer: Notre Dame has been ranked No. 1 in 88 weeks, followed by Oklahoma with 63 and USC with 57. Notre Dame led with 19 consecutive weekly No. 1 rankings, followed by USC with 17 and Army and Nebraska with 15 apiece.

Punk rock: “Nasty Boy” Rob Dibble, the famed and often furious Red reliever, provides a few moments of wisdom each day for a Cincinnati FM radio station. The segment is called, “Pitching and Bitching.”

Quotebook: St. Louis Cardinal reliever Lee Smith, to the Chicago Sun-Times on why he began the season weighing more than his usual 250 pounds: “I had my 2-year-old counting sit-ups for me. He can count to 10, and he skips some of the numbers.”