Winner Can’t Cash It, or Even Carry It

Payne Stewart and Scott Simpson will be playing today for $235,000 in a playoff for the U.S. Open golf title, but that’s a far cry from the prizes that were awarded during the weekend at a golf tournament in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

The winner was awarded a cow. Second- and third-place finishers each got a sheep and those who finished fourth and fifth got a pair of rabbits.

The tournament, which attracted 160 players, was sponsored by Agriculture Minister Sanusi Junid, who wanted to bring players closer to the field of agriculture.

Frankly, a tournament sponsored by the Secretary of the Treasury would seem to hold more appeal.

More animals: The first caution flag in Sunday’s Champion Spark Plug 500 at Pocono (Pa.) Raceway came out after a “turkey” was spotted in Turn 1. While most of the cars pitted, the safety crew collared the bird, which looked more like a chicken than a turkey.

It was rumored that the bird, which was unharmed, refused to identify its species to race officials, leading some to believe it was on the lam.

Trivia time: Name the first team to win the World Series while playing home games on artificial turf.

Mistaken identity: This correction recently ran on the letters page of the Fitchburg-Leominster (Mass.) Sentinel & Enterprise: “Due to a typing error, Gov. (Michael) Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as ‘Mike Tyson’ when this letter was first run.”

Are you listening?: One of the things that makes the pro bowlers tour on ABC great, says Phil Jackman of the Baltimore Sun, is Chris Schenkel whispering, “He’s wired for sound--let’s see if he says anything.”

Sore loser: Eastern Michigan University renamed its athletic teams the Eagles last month. That just didn’t fly with Leonard Kraft, Class of 1948, who responded by cutting the school out of his will.

“I’ve told my family and my attorney that nothing is to be distributed to Eastern,” said Kraft, 67, a former administrator. “Their decision was ridiculous and this is one way I can let them know it.”

Hurons, the nickname adopted 62 years earlier, was deemed offensive to American Indians.

Ship without a Port: Peter Schmuck, who covered the Angels for many years, told readers at the Baltimore Sun that the Angels are the only team that could unseat the Oakland Athletics in the AL West.

” . . . a lot of the credit will have to go to deposed General Manager Mike Port, who is looking for a job while the team he built is looking like a winner,” Schmuck wrote.

“Port was fired by Angel President Richard Brown earlier this season because he was not a ‘people person,’ but he appears to have put the right people in the right places before he left.”

Red, white and blues: Alan Greenberg of the Hartford Courant had this to say about American tennis players who don’t want to play Davis Cup:

“As you might have guessed, great American tennis players aren’t exactly standing in line to play Davis Cup. They’ll play five sets on an active volcano for a $200,000 guarantee in a meaningless exhibition. But putting on the red, white and blue to win one for their team, their country, well, isn’t that what the Army’s for?”

Trivia answer: The Pittsburgh Pirates in 1971.

Quotebook: Steve Hirdt, an editor of the 1991 Elias Baseball Analyst: “The country that can send people to the moon and can win a land war in four days can’t grow grass indoors. In terms of ambience, not many people say ‘Take me to the ball game for the smell of the rug.’ ”