REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Going to Back of the Class

D: QUARTERBACKS

The brass passed on Dan McGwire in the draft, and now he’s passed John Friesz in NFL career victories with one. Shoot fire, by this time Billy Joe Tolliver had two wins.

B: RUNNING BACKS

Rod Bernstine lost a bet with Q106 deejays and has to suit up in McDonald’s uniform and work the drive-thru window. Don’t suppose Alex Spanos will be by for a Happy Meal.

F: RECEIVERS

The way he’s been playing, Anthony Miller ought to catch the next plane out of town. Only problem: He’d miss it. Bet none of these guys drop their paychecks today.

D: OFFENSIVE LINE

To quote Al Luginbill: When the game was on the line on fourth and one, the thugs up front played like “dog meat.” Only touchdown comes when Marion Butts refuses to follow his blockers.

B+: DEFENSIVE LINE

George Hinkle finds his calling as speed bump for Christian Okoye. Burt Grossman’s streak of not jumping offsides has now reached one full game.

A: LINEBACKERS

Gary Plummer’s best nine-fingered defender in game. Return of B.R. Smith’s best sight since arrival of Kimberly Hunt. Chargers only hope their future’s as bright as Junior Seau’s.

F: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Pass defenders continue to botch coverage assignments and play as if they have one eye on Charger Girls. Wait until they get a load of the Raiderettes this week.

F: SPECIAL TEAMS

Mark Calcavecchia sat on beach crying when he thought he cost the U.S. the Ryder Cup; John Carney left for the beach after missed field-goal attempt, but was wide right and lost in El Cajon somewhere.

F: COACHING

The Braves have called on Falcon Deion Sanders in the pennant stretch. If they were really interested in winning, they’d figure out a way to get Dan Henning into a Dodgers uniform.