A Few Sweeps Topics the Evening Newscasts Missed

Time flies when you’re having fun.

It’s hard to believe that another ratings sweeps month is about to end. And I think you’ll agree that Los Angeles’ stations deserve hearty applause for the way they’ve responded to this crucial audience-measuring period by taking the high road.

If there has been one identifiable trend in November, it’s been the increased tenacity of stations in boldly committing their news resources to promote their entertainment shows. Pretty darned impressive. And critics say TV has no integrity.

But that’s only a partial picture.

Everyone has his sweeps favorites. Mine just has to be last week’s “Eyewitness News” bloopers on KABC-TV Channel 7, a gutsy series highlighted by Jim Hill getting cream pies smashed into the face by his pals, the Los Angeles Dodgers, while he was doing live stand-ups. Who says he can’t do the tough investigative stories?

Next, I’d have to go for David Sheehan’s weeklong series on KNBC Channel 4 previewing that incredible video by his friend, Michael Jackson. What I admired about the series was not only how brutally flattering it was, but also its lack of clutter. No extraneous information here. No mention of the violence and simulated masturbation that would later provoke such outrage when the video aired on Fox. Sheehan either didn’t know about it, or did and decided to keep mum.

In any case, this incident demonstrated his powers of concentration, for not once did he deter from what appeared to be his primary goals: praise and promotion. And in doing a follow-up on Channel 4 after the controversy had broken, he blamed the video’s excesses on Jackson’s “childlike” innocence. I was stunned by the savagery of Sheehan’s critique, but by gosh, it’s just that quality that makes him the uncompromising reviewer that he is.

Channel 4 and Channel 7 have had some other remarkable coups this month. On the same day, in the same hour, for example, each aired a taped interview with Oprah Winfrey that it labeled “exclusive.”

Meanwhile, I was also mightily impressed by the brassy way KCBS Channel 2 gained access to the home of a particular set of new parents in order to get a glimpse of the newborn and monitor their parenting techniques. The new parents were Channel 2 anchors Jim Lampley and Bree Walker.

All of the above is pretty heady stuff. Nonetheless, it’s just possible that despite their best efforts to keep viewers informed during the November sweeps, local stations may have overlooked some especially worthy topics that they may want to include next time. For example:

* “Pardon Me, Pee Wees.” They’re both short. So could it be that the man arrested in Florida was not Pee-wee Herman but Pee Wee Reese? Of course not. All this week we examine the flaws in this charge, should anyone make it.

* “Why? Why Not?” Why not watch us all this week while Dr. Joyce Brothers provides the answers?

* “Who Is This Babe, Anyway?” All this week at 5 p.m., 10 good reasons why no one should listen to Dr. Joyce Brothers.

* “Hey, Sneezers!” You may have been wondering why we don’t sneeze through our eyes. But if we did, and wore glasses to boot, what then? Watch our special report and learn about it.

* “Will They Stop at Nothing?” Whatever happened to ethics in news? Our competitors have gone too far in their coverage of the Magic Johnson story. All this month, we will review the disgusting ways they’ve exploited this tragedy by over-covering it for personal gain.

* “Attention Art Lovers.” Each night this week we open your minds to new possibilities in fine arts. Monday: Cow dung sculptures.

* “That Many?” Prepare to be shocked this week when you meet the People Who Haven’t Committed Murder. There are more of them than you think.

* “Wrong Number.” Of course you’ve thought about it. Who hasn’t? But can you really have telephone sex by talking to your microwave? Tune in all this week at 4, and we’ll show you why you can’t.

* “Hey, Wait a Minute!” Aren’t you taking too much for granted? This week we liberate you from your narrow-minded biases, starting with Monday’s in-depth probe: Sandwiches--must the bread always be on the outside?

* “Two Mikes.” All this week, Dr. Joyce Brothers reveals what was going through Mike Tyson’s mind when Michael Jackson taped his most recent video.

* “Tom Talk.” Their feelings, their passions, their laughter, their tears. You’ll hear it all in this weeklong series of spirited, no-holds-barred discussions featuring Tom Lasorda, Tommy Tune and Speaker of the House Thomas Foley.

* “Out of the Closet.” One by one, they come forward and tell their stories. Tune in all this week and meet The Women Who Haven’t Slept With Geraldo Rivera.

* “America’s Goofiest People.” Yep, they’re our news anchors. See them in unguarded moments, walking into walls, falling into open manholes, spitting when they eat, having difficulty tying their shoelaces and doing all the other things that make them invaluable when it comes to informing you about the world.

* “It Hurts Just the Same.” A series you won’t want to miss about back pain and why you never experience it in your knees.

* “One More Time (for a Total of 1,638).” All this week, Roseanne and Tom Arnold reveal their innermost thoughts to the media.

* “Mystery of the Decade.” If Elvis is truly dead, why do we continue interviewing deranged people who insist he’s alive? Don’t miss the answer.

* “Lighten Up.” Giggling--a five-part investigation.