COMMENTARY : 1991: a Year Full of Ornaments

We can talk about great seasons and great moments. Michael Jordan certainly had a great season, as did Cal Ripken Jr., Monica Seles, Thurman Thomas, Desmond Howard, Brett Hull, Harry Gant, Christian Laettner and Meg Mallon. As for great moments, Jimmy Connors had 12 glorious days in New York, John Daly had four in Carmel, Ind., and Mike Powell and Carl Lewis had one each in Tokyo.

But when it comes to consistent dominance, when it comes to making news all year long -- not just in season -- one name stands above the rest. And that name, of course, is Charles Barkley. Just look at the kind of year he had in 1991:

-- Fined $5,000 for yelling at his own coach in the 76ers locker room.

-- Fined $10,000 for spitting on a fan -- an 8-year-old girl! -- in New Jersey. (He insisted he was spitting at someone else, a heckler, and pleaded nolo aim-o.)

-- Cited for disorderly conduct in Milwaukee after he tossed a tray full with cups of water into the stands.

-- Accused Philadelphia of racism, and predicted the 76ers would keep useless reserve center Dave Hoppen on the roster to avoid having an all-black team.

-- Decided he’d wear No. 32 in honor of Magic Johnson, although the 76ers had already retired No. 32 in honor of Billy Cunningham.

-- Claimed he had been misquoted in his own autobiography. (He later said he would live with the quotes, thus avoiding what Philadelphia columnist Bill Lyon called “litigation history -- the first man to sue himself for libel.”)

-- Arrested in Milwaukee on a battery charge for allegedly breaking a man’s nose with one punch -- with his left, not his shooting hand -- after the man taunted him outside Rosie’s Water Works at 2:30 a.m. Lt. Gregory Baur of the Milwaukee Police Department said the punch moved the man’s nose “about three-quarters of an inch to the left.” (“I can only ignore so much,” Barkley said in his own defense.) Oh, and he was named to the U.S. Olympic team -- basketball, not boxing -- and established that he is the best basketball player in the world not named Mike.

In appreciation of Charles’s commitment to the true holiday spirit of peace and brotherly love, let us say Merry Christmas to:

Dick “Was It Something I Said?” Motta.

Chip Lohmiller, Chip Beck, Chip Akridge, Douglas “I See No Major Negatives” Danforth.

Joltin’ Joe and Teddy Ballgame.

Michelle Akers-Stahl.

Rock “The Ultimate Warrior” Newman and Elijah “Feet Of Stone” Tillery; The Squire and Mrs. Kelly; John and Abe; Craig and Mrs. Hodges; Payne and Jack; Joe and Troy; David “Mr. Freedom” Falk and Daniel Collins; Kenny Anderson and Bill Fitch; Michael Jordan and Sam Smith; Bud “Talk Radio” Harrelson and Howie Rose; Darryl Strawberry and Kal Daniels; Eric Lindros and the Nordiques; Fay Vincent and ESPN.

Mary Docter, Steve Howe, John Kordic, Maradona, Dexter.

Andy Geiger, who’s making a list and checking it twice -- and if all the names on it were laid end to end, they’d reach the moon.

Jose and Madonna; Larry Holmes, Trevor Berbick and Jenny From Jacksonville; Hector Camacho and the female passenger who was sitting on his lap when he was pulled over for only driving 35 mph on a Florida freeway.

Larry Johnson, who has to take that shot; Hoyas, who don’t.

Jon, Scooter, Rick.

Heidi Burge, Heather Burge, Steve DeBerg, Middleburg.

Lawrence Moten, Donyell Marshall, Johnny Rhodes.

Seve uniquely, the Ryder Cup collectively.

Bernard King, Mark Alarie, LaBradford Smith.

Jack “Home, Schmome! Gimme The Money” Morris.

Timmy, Kitty; Jane, Ted.

Charlie “Can You Drop Me Off In The River?” Leibrandt and Lonnie “Sorry, I Don’t Have A Good Sense Of Direction” Smith.

Isiah and Michael. Isiah and Chuck. Isiah and Scottie. Isiah and Karl.

Tony Sands, Marshall Faulk, Kevin Bradshaw.

Ray “This Is My Last Fight, Thank You For Coming” Leonard and Terry Norris; Mike Trainer, who, when asked why Ray was fighting Norris, said, “We’re running out of 38-year-olds.”

Nick Leyva, Don Zimmer, John Wathan, Frank Robinson, Buck Rodgers, etc.

Ron Meyer, Lindy Infante, Dan Henning, John Robinson, Burnsy, etc.

Richmond, Coastal Carolina.

Davey C. Viar, Sean McMullen, Alan Miller, Eric Knapp.

Glenn Brenner, Toy Trice.

Immovable object Brian Harper; George “The Great Wide Hope” Foreman, who said of Evander Holyfield, “He’s got a nutritionist -- I’ve got room service.”

Rod “Major Medical” Langway; Cary Conklin, Tracy Kerdyk.

Littwin, Chad, Lupica, Schaap, Albom, Ostler, Kindred, Deford; Jim Murray, for this line on the Holyfield-Foreman fight: “One looked like a Greek god -- the other looked like a Greek restaurant.”

Mike Utley. Steve Palermo. Bill Shoemaker.

Sandy “0 HRs, 4 RBI” Alomar Jr. and Mickey Tettleton; his brother Roberto Alomar and Julio “If I Don’t Deserve To Start Ahead Of This Guy, I’ll Kiss My Own Behind” Franco.

Leconte, Forget, Noah.

Stupid, immature, dangerously Nasty Boy Rob Dibble; Albert Belle.

Matt Blundin, Deion Sanders, Mickey Rourke.

Jim Palmer, Bjorn Borg, Mark Spitz, whose leaky comeback inspired the line: “That wasn’t swimming, that was bathing.”

Scott Norwood, Scott Simpson, pro bowler Del Ballard Jr., who needed seven pins to win a tournament and rolled a gutter ball.

Tark, Dye, Robert Helmick.

Rocket Ismail, Stan Gelbaugh; Marco Lokar.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Joe Howard Johnson, Roseanne Arnold, CIS.

And finally, Merry Christmas to Magic Johnson, who lent more grace to 1991 than anyone.