26 Reasons for Picking Bills to Win

Twenty-six reasons why the Buffalo Bills will defeat the Washington Redskins next Sunday in Super Bowl XXVI:

I. To avoid a controversy. Because, as you know, if Washington wins, Buffalo would be voted No. 1 in only the USA Today/CNN poll and not by the Associated Press.

II. Hogs need slop. Washington’s linemen call themselves “the Hogs.” They root around RFK Stadium looking for truffles. And when it rains, Washington is in its element. But have you ever seen hogs trying to dig up AstroTurf? All they get is snout burn.

III. Tradition. Buffalo has never lost two Super Bowls in a row. (Look it up.)

IV. Superior brainpower. Buffalo Coach Marv Levy has a postgraduate degree in English literature from Harvard. The only literature Washington Coach Joe Gibbs ever reads is Car & Driver magazine. Levy can give his players wisdom and insight. Gibbs can show his players how to remove lug nuts with a hydraulic wrench.

V. The Denver factor. Beating Denver is a prerequisite for NFL championship teams. Buffalo already has done it. The rest, hey, piece of cake.

VI. Support from the “home crowd.” Fans from Minnesota will be for Buffalo because they still blame Washington for what happened to Humphrey and Mondale.

VII. Support from back home. Among Buffalo’s boosters--as witness their advertisement in last week’s AFC title game souvenir program--is the Bison Products Co., makers of “America’s Finest Italian Sausage Products. They’re So Good to Come Home To!” Which is another way to handle Hogs.

VIII. Carlton Bailey. The man who put Buffalo in the Super Bowl is this very underrated linebacker who probably will score another touchdown and have the Bills’ fans back home singing: “Won’t you come home, Bill Bailey?”

IX. Don Beebe. He is undoubtedly the finest 5-foot-11 football player from Chadron State in the NFL today. (Although I realize arguments will rage about this.)

X. Weather-guard. Buffalo’s players who venture into the cold of outdoor Minneapolis this week will be well-protected, because the team’s strength and conditioning coach is Rusty Jones.

XI. Help from above. Buffalo defensive backs coach Dick Roach has a 12-year-old at home named E.T.

XII. Political pressure. There is concern in the nation’s capital that President George Bush has put more pressure on Washington than Buffalo with his “winner gets a major league baseball team” campaign promise.

XIII. Media pressure. There is concern in the nation’s capital about Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward’s upcoming investigation revealing that Redskin receiver Art Monk is actually 66 years old and beyond the NFL’s mandatory retirement age.

XIV--New NFL rules. After slapping palms with teammates during pre-game introductions, Washington receiver Gary Clark will be ejected from the game for violating the NFL’s new rules prohibiting pre-game celebration.

XV--Thurman Thomas. Expect big things from the Buffalo back, who will rush for 200 yards, be voted the game’s MVP and then go on tour with his band, Thurman’s Hermits.

XVI--Coaching indecision. Gibbs will be rattled during the second half and lose some of his concentration after CBS-TV’s halftime announcement that Bill Parcells is considering taking the Redskin job.

XVII--The third quarter. Buffalo will score three touchdowns during this period, two of which will be blacked out because CBS will be late in getting back from its other halftime features: “John Madden Washes His Bus” and “Gumbel, Bradshaw, Visser and O’Brien: Slides From Our High School Reunions.”

XVIII--Jim Kelly. Because, as you know, virtually all Super Bowls are won by quarterbacks whose first names begin with J.

XIX. A question of toughness. Redskin quarterback Mark Rypien removed himself from a game earlier this season because of a hangnail. Teammates fear a recurrence and are upset over Rypien’s announced intention to quarterback the team--on the advice of Miami’s Dan Marino--wearing Isotoner gloves.

XX. A question of revenge. This appears to be the first real chance for a Buffalo to take the hides of Redskins, rather than vice versa.

XXI. Scott Norwood. While conservatism still reigns in Washington, nobody in America, including Bush, Ronald Reagan and even Pat Buchanan, has ever been farther to the right than Scott Norwood.

XXII. The “home crowd” (continued). Fans from Minnesota will be for Buffalo because they still blame Washington for giving them the Senators but refusing to take the Vikings in exchange.

XXIII. Mr. Smith takes it to Washington. There is serious doubt that anyone from the Redskins can keep Buffalo’s Bruce Smith away from the starting quarterback. (Footnote: There remains some question, after last year’s Super Bowl and last week’s Denver game, as to whether Smith or anybody else from Buffalo can handle an opponent’s s econd-string quarterback.)

XXIV. The Jim Lachey rumors. Anxiety has spread like wildfire throughout the Redskin camp over those rumors that Lachey will be traded before the Super Bowl by Redskin owner Jack Kent Cooke, who for some reason wants Jay Schroeder back.

XXV. The Chip Lohmiller situation. Although the Redskin kicker is, as a rule, quite accurate, the Buffalo team has made a vow never to lose a game of football to a Yuppie team like Washington’s, particularly to anybody called Chip.

XXVI. The fix is in. Because the National Football Conference, in sympathy with the commissioner’s plea for parity, has agreed to lose a few Super Bowls now to keep the American Football Conference from losing interest and going off in a sulk to form its own league.