Broadcast Boos

Bumbling teams--such as the Los Angeles Lambs (3-13) and the Ruins of Troy (3-8)--weren’t the only sources of humor in 1991.

Television and radio coverage also yielded numerous odd moments and unintentional laughs.

After a further review of the season in our private instant replay booth, these moments stand:

Cheerleader of the Year

Ken Hatch, president of Seattle TV station KIRO, shelved a story by one of his reporters who had found that there were arrest warrants out for five members of the Rose Bowl-bound Washington Huskies. Hatch then met privately with university officials and shared details of the story. “All it was was a great embarrassment to a proud institution,” Hatch explained, “and a great football team at a time when we should be cheering them on.”

But Don’t Ask Me About Cleveland

After Steelers fans cheered his removal from a game because of an injury, quarterback Bubby Brister declared that he understood why former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw “hates everyone in Pittsburgh.” Bradshaw, a CBS commentator, responded, “I certainly don’t need Brister to do my talking for me,” and denied that he hates everyone in Pittsburgh.

At Least the Network Didn’t Have Them Suit Up and Play

L.A. disc jockeys Mark and Brian, whose NBC-TV show was scheduled to follow that evening, were briefly allowed to take over play-by-play of a Raiders-Chargers game. USA Today critic Steve Woodward called it “perhaps the most shameless example of network self-promotion of all-time.” M&B;’s show is now on “hiatus,” leaving them free to pursue sportscasting careers.

Well, They’ll Always Have the Indianapolis 500

After the Colts lost their first four games, an Indianapolis radio station called on fans to take a vow of celibacy until the Colts won. It must have been a restless time for true supporters. The Colts lost five more in a row.

“Hello. Mark and Brian?”

Robert Irsay, Indianapolis’ temperamental owner, declared he was going to phone NBC during the Colts-Raiders game to announce on the air that he was firing coach Ron Meyer. He was talked out of it by his son.

She Meant “Sea Hacks”

ESPN’s Robin Robert inadvertently referred to Seattle’s stumbling pro football team as the “She-Hawks.”

First Coach in the Federal Witness Protection Program

Following the Rams’ eighth straight loss, former L.A. sportscaster Keith Olbermann showed an interview with Coach John Robinson in which Robinson’s face was humanely obscured by a gray “electronic dot” similar to the one used over Patricia Bowman’s face in the William Kennedy Smith trial.

Diamonds Are a Boy’s Best Friend

ESPN host Chris Berman was stunned when his acceptance of a Super Bowl ring from San Francisco 49er owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr. was questioned on ethical grounds. “This was a personal gift from Mr. DeBartolo, not the 49ers,” explained Berman, who nonetheless returned the jewelry.

Where Are Mark and Brian When You Really Need Them?

During a power outage at the Orange Bowl game in Miami, NBC studio host Gayle Gardner was called upon to broadcast the play-by-play from New York. At one point she commented that Miami had run the same play twice in a row, only to have commentator Paul Maguire inform her that she was seeing an instant replay.

And Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beers Would Fall

Referring to the much-promoted annual “game” involving beer bottles shown during commercial breaks of the Super Bowl, Minneapolis columnist Dan Barriero listed as one of his New Year’s wishes: “Bruce Dern (star of the film, ‘Black Sunday’) hijacks another blimp and blows up the Bud Bowl.”

Isn’t He the Guy Who Did Pantyhose Commercials?

Informed that NBC analyst Joe Namath had criticized him for a late hit, Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Greg Lloyd said: “Who’s Joe Namath?”

Once Howard, Always Howard

Among the quotes uttered by the subject of the ESPN special, “Howard Cosell: His Life and Times” were: “I happen to be a terribly bright man.”

The Kick, Part I

ABC’s Gary Bender, on a Cal field goal attempt against USC: “The kick is right down the middle and...”

The Kick, Part II

Bender, in the next breath: “He’s missed it--wide right!”

He’s Still Waiting for the Apology

Richard Woods, Bo Jackson’s agent, called CBS’ Pat O’Brien a “liar” for reporting (correctly) that Bo’s doctors would recommend that he forgo playing football in 1991.

Bo Knows Sensitivity

Detroit Tigers President Bo Schembechler fired Ernie Harwell, the Tigers’ Hall of Fame broadcaster, despite numerous protests from Harwell’s fans, then took a part-time job himself as a football commentator on ABC.

Lives of the Rich and Sidelined

One week after suffering an injury that finished his season, Giants’ quarterback Jeff Hostetler was featured in a taped episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”

Guess He Couldn’t Get an Appointment to Interview Himself

Former Giants coach Bill Parcells, a ballyhooed new member of NBC’s “NFL Live” team of analysts, failed to report a big scoop: Tampa Bay’s offer for Parcells to become head coach and his decision to reject it.

Neighborhood Watch

Rams broadcaster Paul Olden reported during a Rams-Redskins game: “Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson is strolling along the Rams’ sideline. The cheerleaders are at least 20 yards away.”

Thank Goodness He Didn’t Diagram It

Spotting Redskins linebacker Wilber Marshall, who was blowing his nose without the aid of a handkerchief, CBS’ John Madden said: “That’s what you do after a long day. You just clean everything out. Unload from both barrels.”

We Don’t Doubt It

After Miami Hurricanes quarterback Gino Torretta threw a 99-yard touchdown pass against Arkansas, ABC’s Dick Vermeil said: “I wouldn’t doubt that’s a school record.”

Best Summation of the Cosmic Importance of Football

“It’s tough to think about Giants and Bills when you’re dealing with Patriots and jets,” said Judd Rose, an ABC correspondent in the Persian Gulf, during the week of the 1991 Super Bowl.

Get the Man a Pocket Calculator

“This game is 1 point away from being tied,” Terry Bradshaw said during the Cotton Bowl, just before Florida State kicked an extra point to go ahead, 7-2.

A Sure Sign That The Presidential Campaign Is Heating Up

ABC’s Brent Musburger referred to the Raiders’ Ethan Horton as Willie Horton--in a taped feature, yet.